


Harry Potter and the Time Bill F***ed Everything Up

by Medlipop



Category: Gravity Falls, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Stanford Gleeful, Alternative Universe-Reverse Falls, I don't know how to do tags, Lavender Brown is Bestie, Mabel has a duck, Mabel is a theatre geek, Magical Shenanigans, Master/Servant Relashionship, Multi, One-Sided Cedric Diggory/Will Cipher, One-Sided Draco Malfoy/Mabel Gleeful, Will has a kitten, black market
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 46,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23829040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Medlipop/pseuds/Medlipop
Summary: Three years after the events of Weirdmageddon, now besties: Dipper, Mabel and Bill are in the middle of a non-descript dangerous spell when something goes horribly, horribly wrong. Now stuck with their alternate universe selves in a world where apparently you need a stick to use magic, the three must find a way home before Bill fucks everything up.
Relationships: Bill Cipher/Dipper Pines, Will Cipher | Reverse Bill Cipher/Dipper Gleeful | Reverse Dipper Pines
Comments: 312
Kudos: 305





	1. Prologue Part 1: Glitter Is Not a Viable Ingredient For a Sadistic Ritual

**Author's Note:**

> Hey you wonderful readers! Sending my love in these uncertain times! Hope you enjoy the fic!

It was your average summer evening. By that I mean it was about as average as it got in Gravity Falls... in the middle of the night... during a full moon. By everyone else's perspective, it wasn't normal in the slightest. Two teens, twins who were rather well known in the town, and a yellow triangle man, who as of three years ago had become a rather notorious fugitive, were currently standing under the aforementioned full moon around a complex pentagram (the likes of which one would see in a horror movie) in the middle of the woods.

One of the twins, Dipper Pines (aged fifteen, almost sixteen - practically an adult), looked between the other two who seemed way more excited about this than any normal person should be, but then again, Dipper never thought that the other two were anything less than batshit crazy. Hi sister, Mabel (same age, obviously) was currently arguing the effectiveness of adding glitter to the multidimensional, all-powerful dickhead of a demon who refused to leave them alone after the two of them had foiled his plans of world weirdfication.

"Guys, I don't think this is such a good idea." Dipper had said several incarnations of the phrase over the week prior to now and still can't figure out why they're still going ahead with it.

"C'mon Pinetree, stop being a pussy!" The demon, Bill retorted.

"Yeah, Dipper, stop being a pussy!" Mabel agreed, quickly throwing a handful of glitter towards the pentagram while Bill had his back turned.

"This is dangerous. What if something goes wrong?"

"Pinetree, Pinetree, Pinetree." Bill began, leaning his elbow onto Dipper's shoulder. "Have I ever lead you into something dangerous before?"

"Yes! Several times!"

"Well, I haven't done anything recently, have I?"

"Yes you have! Just two days ago- and I'm still finding mutant spiders in my room!"

"Gee, you sure hold a grudge, don't you? My point is, I know what I'm doing so you don't have to worry. Everything will be perfectly fine."

Meanwhile, in another universe:

In an almost identical scene (minus the glitter), the Gleeful twins (Mason and Mabel) and their Great Uncle Ford's demon, Will (Currently in human form and sporting a blue jumper and black eyepatch) were setting up for the same spell.

"M-m-m-master, I'm not sure ab-bout th-th-this..." Will stuttered, his voice not much more than a whisper and his hand fidgeting in front of him.

"It's fine, Will." Mason replied with a sigh.

"Yeah, Will, stop being a pussy!" Mabel smirked, dusting off her hands as she finished painting her part of the pentagram. "There we go! Everybody take your places!" She stepped into one of the three circles within the pentagram, careful not to step on any of the 'paint'. 

"B-but what if M-mast-ter Stanf-f-ford finds out-"

"If we succeed Will," Mason begins, grabbing a hold of Will's wrist and guiding him over to his circle "We won't have to worry about that man ever again." He gives Will a reassuring look and Will gives a little smile in return before Mason goes to his own position. He takes a deep breath and reaches for the pack of matches in his pocket.

Dipper lights a match. "Everyone ready?" He asks uneasily.

"Yes, yes, we've been ready for hours now, brother dear." Mabel answered, voice dripping with sarcasm while Will gave a shaky but firm nod.

"Okay then." Dipper drops the match.

The pentagram lights in a blue flame.

The three say the spell.

A chilly wind blows strongly, nearly knocking them off their feet.

The blue light turns red and violent, the light of the moon flickering.

"What the fu-" Darkness. Falling. Thud.

"Ow." Dipper had fallen onto his back, nearly winded but definitely bruised. He lifts himself up into sitting position and looks around. A thick cloud was covering the moon leaving him almost blind. To his left he hears a groan. "Bill? Mabel?" He calls out. Another groan.

"Calm down, brother dear, you sound almost pathetic." The voice sounded like Mabel, younger but not as childish sounding.

"Shut up, sister of mine," Another voice,male this time, suddenly clearing his throat "That wasn't me." Another cough. "What the hell's up with my voice?" Now that Dipper thought about it, his own voice sounded off as well. Familiar but different.

"Pinetree? That you?"

"Yeah, I'm here. Mabel?"

"Here." Both the Mabel's answered, confusing everybody.

"...What?"

"M-master? Mistress?"

"Oh for fuck's sake. William, light."

"Yes, Master."

A moment, than a soft blue flame lights in the palm of Will's hand. The area is illuminated and the individuals can see each other now. The two groups both showing identical wide-eyed looks as they see their backwards-mirror-versions of themselves but four or five years younger. Clothes a few sizes too large draped over their figures. Simultaneously, they all looked down to see that their own clothes did the same. The only exception was Bill who was now looking pretty happy with himself in human form with a yellow waist-coat, black eyepatch and top-hat.

"Snazzy." He commented, admiring the fact that he now had two extra fingers on each hand. "Hey Pinetree, check it out-" He blinks. "Wow! A mini Pinetree!" He laughs.

"It's not funny, Bill!" He yells. _Fuck!_ He thinks. _My cool older voice... My finally taller than Mabel height... My chest hair!_ He mourns. His sister on the other hand, had made a quick recovery.

"So... I'm Mabel! Nice to meet you guys!" She looked at Will. "Love the hair!"

"P-p-pardon?"

"So anyone want to explain what's going on? Where are we?"

"You don't recognise this place?"

"Nope."

"So it looks like none of us are in our own universe."

"Wow! This guy seems to know his stuff!" Bill leans his elbow onto Mason. "I'm Bill, by the way, Bill Cipher! I'm guessing you guys are from the Revers Falls 'verse."

"The what?"

"Y'know, Reverse Falls! The complete opposite to our universe."

"What makes you so sure that you're the dominant universe?"

"C'mon you guys!" Bill laughs. "Your demon's a Will."

"He has a point, brother."

"Shut up."

"You guys, you guys. Let's all calm down okay? We're all in the same boat so let's introduce ourselves an sort out a plan of action! I'll start us again. I'm Mabel Pines, alpha twin." The Gleeful twins looked at each other with a look that said _really?_

"Mason Gleeful. This is my sister."

"Mabel Gleeful, Also alpha twin."

"Um, I'm...I'm-"

"Bill Cipher! Eccentric Demon!" A thwack to the back of his head. "Ow! What was that for, Pinetree?"

"Don't interrupt. Sorry about him." He smiled to Will. Mason's eyebrows twitched and he moved to stand next to Will.

"This is William, my demon."

"Alright, man, chill out. I'm Dipper Pines." Mabel Gleeful scoffs.

"Dipper?" She starts laughing a bit more manically now. "Didn't you- Didn't you start a fire in my room to stop me from calling you that?!"

"Enough, Mabel." Introductions out of the way, an awkward silence sat amongst them briefly. "So what now?"

"Well," Dipper started "I suggest we go find a town or something. Maybe we can find out where we are." It was in that moment that the group heard multiple popping noises behind them followed by a blinding light. Will dissipated his flame in fright just before they heard a gruff voice yell:

"On your knees! Hands in the air!"


	2. Prologue Part 2: Have You Got Anything In Slightly Less Flammable?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys! Thanks for all your lovely comments and kudos so far! I'm so glad you're all enjoying it. You are all bubbly narwhals and I love you guys so much!

The voice came from an old-fashioned looking man with a bowler's hat and vest, pointing a stick with a light coming from it at them. Several others had surrounded the group (similarly dressed and also pointing lighted sticks at them). Dipper and Mabel dropped down first, followed by Bill who got a stern look from Dipper (though in his defence he did try to return a look that said "C'mon, Pintree. I could take them all no-handed!"). Will looked uncertainly at Mason who sighed, giving him and his sister a nod and joining the rest on the ground.

"Sir!" One of the other men called. "They're-"

"Dammit, I know!" The man growled. "Let's just get them back to headquarters quickly before-" Another popping sound.

"Stop right there!" A new voice, a woman this time. She wore a black suit with a grey trench coat. Her hair was dark and tied up in a neat bun and she had dark purple lipstick which stood out against her porcelain skin. "I think you'll find this is our jurisdiction!" She had a smug look on her face and the main man had to take a deep breath before he turned to face her with a forced smile.

"Clarissa Stonefang! Fancy seeing you here. Ah, don't worry about this one, we'll just finish off quick. Why don't you take the rest of the evening off?"

"I think not." She laughed. "You Unspeakables always get the interesting cases. Besides, they're underage, it was no doubt an improper use of magic, heck- there's even a muggle dwelling just down the road. This is ours." She snaps her fingers and her own people move in. The first group retreats, grumbling complaints under their breath before disappearing.

"Right then. Ladies and Gentleman of the Improper Use of Magic Office, I would first like to say thank you so much for coming in tonight. Now, I know we all want to get home and back to bed, so let's get through this as quick as we can." Clarissa stood before the office beginning the late night meeting. They had all been there for two hours now and were starting to give Clarissa dirty looks. She was certain that if she didn't get them back home quick then she'd find herself strung up in front of the ministry like her predecessor (he's alright! Or at least about as alright as you can be after that). "Mr Porple, your report."

"Six underage wizards found on the outskirts of Abergavenny following a fluctuation of magic of a scale equivalent to ten avada kedavras or sixty three expelliarmuses- musses? Musi? Expelliarmi-"

"Keep on topic, Mr Porple."

"Sorry Ma'am. The individuals claimed to have amnesia, the only information we got off them were their names: Mason and Mabel Gleeful, Dipper and Mabel Pines and Bill and Will Cipher."

"Has their statement been confirmed?"

"Yes Ma'am. Each of the children were given tea which contained veritaserum. Only one of them drank it but he was able to confirm that they had amnesia."

"Which one?" Andrea McGreggor asked.

"Ah, one of the Ciphers, Bill I believe."

"The real question now," Jasper Creed began, twisting his well-groomed moustache "Is what to do with them."

"What would you suggest?" Clarissa asked.

"They have amnesia, don't they? Surely St Mungo's is the best option."

"They're only children, Creed." Porple said. "They deserve a better start at life than that."

"And what's your solution? We don't know who they are, where they came from, who their parents are- You can't seriously suggest we just release them?"

"Of course not. I'm saying we assign someone to keep an eye on them ans then send them to Hogwarts. Simple."

"Sounds great, Mr Porple." Clarissa agreed. "Any volunteers?" She looked across the room to see if there were any takers but everyone just looked down sheepishly. She had almost considered a vote but knew that they would probably vote for here out of spite. In the corner of her eye, a solution appeared. Gerald Puff was their forever intern at age thirty four. He had been with the department since he left Hogwarts and has yet to become a full intern due to a below average performance. But damn did he make a good coffee. "Mr Puff, how about you? Didn't you recently inherit the family estate? Surely there's enough room."

"Ah, well, yes... but-"

"And we'd be more than happy to compensate you for it."

""Yes, but you see-"

"We can give you some time off as well."

"But I-"

"Then it's settled! Mrs McGreggor, if you could please get the necessary papers, we'll get this sorted and we can all go home!"

Finally! The sun had _finally_ decided to make an appearance! It's been two weeks since the group had arrived in this godforsaken dimension and despite the fact that it was freaking August, they had yet to see a day that wasn't raining. When they asked Puff what the deal was, he just shrugged and said "That's Wales for you."

On this particular day, Puff had taken the group to Diagon Alley to get their school supplies after receiving their letters to Hogwarts.

"Oh my gosh!" Mabel Pines (Mabes) was particularly excited about their little excursion. "Look at all the wizards! There's so many!" She approached an older looking man with sparkly robes and a tiny hat. "You're so sparkly!"

"Gah!"

"Mabel get away from the human disco ball!" Dipper grabbed her by the shoulders and steered her away. "What have I said?"

"Don't touch the wizards."

"That's right. Now come on, Puff's about to have a heart attack." Right on cue, the two heard the nervous mama bear calling for her young.

"Dipper! Mabes! Get back here! Mason! I catch you trying to sneak off again and I'll- Mabel! I'm talking to you as- BILL! NO! LEAVE THE POOR MAN ALONE!" This about summed up the past two weeks of Gerald Puff's life. Out of all of them, he was the most excited to get them off to Hogwarts.

They went to Ollivander's first. This took the most time as unbeknownst to Puff and Ollivander, there were two demons in their midst. Any wands the Cipher twins touched immediately burst into flames. Bill complained that they should be using less flammable materials, to which Ollivander produced a set of non-wooden wands he made on a whim. At first, they gave Bill a glass wand which seemed to be the most successful as it produced an array of tiny rainbows, until it smashed into a million pieces. It was eventually decided that Ollivader was going to make them wands made out of granite and if that didn't work then they would just have to make do with wandless magic.

Uniforms were next which both Mabels were unhappy about. Mabel tried to convince Madame Malkin to give her robes a more fitted look, whereas Mabes was trying to get hers more colourful. Both were flat-out ignored.

At the bookshop, it took all of them to drag out Dipper and Mason and when leaving the supplies shop, Bill, Mason and Mabel needed to be patted down as Puff was sure he saw them take a few things.

The last place they went was the pet shop. Puff agreed that they can have one pet to share between them. As none of the others really minded what they got, they agreed that, as long as she behaved, Mabes could pick the pet. She gasped as she was finally let loose with the money and entered the pet shop. The rest waited outside, she was taking her time so Puff decided to go grab everyone an ice cream. While he was gone, Mason heard a noise in the alleyway and went to go check it out while the others were looking at the animals displayed outside.

When he came back, he went straight over to Will, hiding something in his coat.

"Hold out your hands." Will did so and Mason pulled out a smoke-coloured kitten with bright blue eyes and placed it in Will's hands.

"Th-thank you, M-master." Will smiled and Mason struggled to hold in a blush as they heard the tell-tale call of the wild Mabes.

"I have chosen!" She claims. "Allow me to introduce: Ducktective!"

"A duck?" Mabel questions.

"Indeed!"

"...Why?"

"The lady in the shop says he's an excellent bird. He can mail as good as any owl."

"Can owls deliver mail?" Dipper asks and Mason gives him a shrug.

"All finished then?" Puff had returned with a bag of what we assume is ice cream. He gave Mabes an odd look, gripping the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Really? A duck?"

"Yep!"

"Why am I not surprised." He then spotted the kitten in Will's hands. "I believe I said just one pet."

"P-p-please c-can I k-keep her?" Fuck.

"Why can't I say no to you, Will?" And so the group went to have their ice cream and ended their day out with two new members to this messed up family. In another two weeks, they would be boarding the train to their new school...


	3. Chapter 1: Don't Rock the Boat Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up you guys? 'Tis a glorious Tuesday! How are we all? Hope you're all having a wonderful time! Enjoy!!!!

"Now, are you sure you have everything?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" Dipper and Mabes answered. Puff had been fretting over the kids the entire weekend as they prepared for school.

"Winter clothes?"

"Yes."

"Socks?"

"Yes."

"Toothbrushes?"

"Yes."

"Duck?"

"Quack!" Ducktective was currently residing in Mabes' hood.

"Alright." Puff took a deep breath. "Remember to write. Look out for each other. Listen to your teachers and DON'T-" His gaze fell on Mason, Mabel and Bill "cause trouble."

"Us?" Mabel began. "Never."

"Yes, Puff. You're worrying over nothing." Mason agreed. Bill, on the other hand, just laughed.

"I'm not promising anything." Puff gave him a wry stare before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Not my problem anymore." He said quietly to himself. "God bless those poor teachers."

Finding a compartment on the train was easier said than done. Finding one that had enough room for all six of them was near impossible.

"I could always create a pocket dimension." Bill suggested.

"Eh, give it five more minutes." Dipper shrugged. Thankfully, for the sake of space, time and the laws of physics, the group managed to find an empty compartment. The Pines twins and Bill entered it but the Gleefuls and Will just continued onward. "Aren't you going to join us?"

"Nope." Mason waved without turning around. "See you next summer."

It wasn't long into the journey that Bill managed to sneak out and go exploring the train. Who knows what kind of horrifying (potentially eldritch) things he got up to.

Meanwhile, in another compartment.

"George swore he got a bogey flavour-" Ron was interrupted by the arrival of a fellow first year. His appearance really stood out to him and Harry, he had spiky blond hair and a black eye-patch over his right eye. His other eye looked quickly between the two of them before he gave a friendly, though slightly disturbing, tooth-filled smile.

"Yellow! The name's Bill, Bill Cipher. Boy! Sure seems like a party in here- I mean, the old man sitting on your crotch is a bit over my head, but who am I to judge!" Harry and Ron looked at each other in confusion. They were now a whole lot more worried about their sudden visitor. "Anyway, I better skedaddle. You three have fun, alright?" Before he could leave, another first year appeared in the doorway.

"Have any of you seen a toad? A boy named Neville's lost one."

"No, sorry"

"Hey, I'll help you look!" Bill offered- well, more stated than offered, he wasn't gonna give Hermione any choice here.

"Oh! Are you sure?" Bill nodded. "Well then, the more the merrier." This was a mistake Hermione was guaranteed never to make again. Five minutes after they left, a third first year opened the to the compartment.

"Have any of you seen a Bill? I've lost him."

"He went that way!" Harry almost yelled.

"Thanks!" The boy stopped himself. "He didn't do anything, did he?"

Dipper got off the boat slightly seasick from Mabes' constant excited rocking while Bill screamed/sang 'Rock the Boat'. Taking a deep breath, whilst trying not to throw up, Dipper could vaguely hear the two's amazed outcries as they exited the boat.

"Holy jellybeans! It's a castle!" Mabes cried. 

"It's glorious!"

"In the thirty minutes we were on the boat, did you guys seriously not notice the giant medieval castle we were heading towards?!" During his exasperation, Dipper could see in the corner of his eyes Mason and Mabel trying very hard to act like they don't know them.

Mason found the school so far worthy for someone of his stature. It was old but it was practically heaven compared to the house they'd been staying at for the past month. He was used to the finer things in life and was happy to see that this new world was finally starting to suit him.

The main hall was very interesting even with Will's constant twitching, worried that the candles were going to drip wax on them. The teacher, McGonagall, had them all line up and began calling their names in alphabetical order.

"Cipher, Bill." Bill took a seat but the hat was only on for a millisecond before it cried out:

"Slytherin!" The Slytherin table cheered and Bill went to sit with them, relishing in the applause.

"Cipher, Will."

"Hufflepuff!" His was called out just as fast as Bill's which made him jump. He froze for a moment, not sure where to go, when McGonagall gave him a tap on the shoulder and ushered him towards the cheering table.

"Gleeful, Mabel."

"Slytherin!" Mabel flicked her hair and strutted over to the table- sitting as far away from Bill as she could.

"Gleeful, Mason." Mason's sorting hat took about a minute.

"Slytherin!" In an almost identical display to his sister (aside from the hair flicking), Mason made his way over and sat next to Mabel but with a wider gap between them than anyone else on the table. When someone tried to sit next to him, he glared forcing them to sit a bit further over.

"Pines, Mabel." Mabes was so excited to go up that she didn't even notice the odd looks she got from everyone- clearly noticing that she and the other Mabel were identical.

"Gryffindor!" Hearing the cheers, Mabes began chanting "Alpha twin, alpha twin!". The Gryffindors gave her an odd look at first, but the Weasley twins quickly caught on and joined in, bringing the rest of the house into it as well.

"Pines, Mason." Dipper was much more conscious of the stares his sister had ignored. Still, he tapped into his inner confidence, puffed out his chest and marched up to the seat. The hat spent a good few minutes trying to decide his house when he eventually gave up and just asked Dipper where he wanted to go.

"Uh... Gryffindor, I guess?" The room laughed and Dipper suddenly realised he had said that out loud.

"Gryffindor!"

The feast was spectacular. Dipper and Mabes fit in well with their fellow Gryffindors, especially Mabes who made fast friends (potentially besties) with Lavender Brown who shared her passion for theatre and boy bands. While eating, Dipper tried to avoid keeping an eye on Bill who was sticking close to Malfoy and his gang trying to make friends with them (I say 'trying', but it's not like Malfoy actually has any choice in this).

Mabel had gotten straight into the works of forming her harem while her brother sat quietly next to her, trying his best not to roll his eyes at her not-so-subtle flirting and innuendos that flew over the first years' heads but did cause a prefect to spit out his pumpkin juice. Mason was thankful for her though as she caused a welcome distraction from the Hufflepuff table.

The Hufflepuff first years had flocked around Will who was giving everyone a deer in the headlights look. While he had a lot of trouble with his stutter, the group listened patiently and brought him into their conversations. The group secretly vowed to protect this cinnamon roll and Mason hated every second of it.

The feast ended and Dumbledore gave his speech giving a list of things they weren't allowed to do that Bill was most assuredly going to do. And with that, their first night was done and they were all lead to their dormitories.

Mabes and Dipper were ecstatic to hear that the stairs in the dormitory turned into a slide and as soon as Percy Weasley had finished his explanation, they immediately went to work setting up the Ultimate Stair Slide Grand Prix. Starting from the boy's dorm, the aim was to make it all the way to the top of the stairs before they could slide down. The hard part was that as soon as a boy took one step past the boy's dorm, the stairs would turn into a slide.

Fred and George were the two who made it to the final (both were very proud of the new twins who they believed would take over from their mischief when they were gone), neither of them won though. During the pushing and shoving of their ascension, a small figure came from the top of the stairs and slid underneath their feet. Cheers from the bottom of the stairs sounded followed by Mabes' declaration:

"And the winner of the first Ultimate Stair Slide Grand Prix is... DUCKTECTIVE!"

Will lied awake in bed sometime past ten that night. He was too nervous to go to sleep and was trying to decide whether he should try to talk to Mason (telepathically I might add).

_'I should talk to him. Oh, but he's probably sleeping and I don't want to bother him. But what if he's expecting me to talk to him, then he'll be annoyed if I don't. Maybe I should-'_

_'William.'_ Will eeped and quickly covered his mouth, keeping completely still as the person sleeping in the bed next to his stirred. ' _What are you rambling about?'_

_'Sorry, Master.'_

_'William, we've talked about this.'_

_'Sorry... Mason.'_

_'That's better.'_ He chuckled. _'What's on your mind?'_

_'It's nothing. I'm just a little nervous about tomorrow. What if something goes wrong? What if I get lost?'_

_'It'll be fine. Have breakfast with me in the morning and I'll help you find your classes.'_

_'Thank you.'_

_'Don't mention it.'_ There was a slightly awkward silence as the two tried to recover. _'How's the cat from Hell?'_

_'She's fine.'_ Will laughed. _'I think there's catnip growing somewhere down her though. This is the first time she's fallen asleep without climbing on me. How are the people in your house? Are you making friends?'_ Mason scoffed.

_'What do I need friends for, I have you. That's all I need.'_

_'Having friends would be nice though. Please try. For me?'_

_'...Fine. Maybe.'_ Mason groaned.

_'Thank you, Mason.'_

_'Yeah, yeah. I'll see you in the morning. Good night Will.'_

_'Good night.'_

Meanwhile, in the Gryffindor boy's dormitory...

_'Hey, Pinetree. Pinetree. Pinetreeeee-'_

_'For fuck's sake Bill- GO TO SLEEP!'_


	4. Chapter 2: Alchemy Is Hot! Alchemy Is Sexy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey what's up you guys!!!! Sorry it took so long with this chapter but I guess compared to my other works I'm doing great! As usual, you guys are all super awesome unicorns (not the asshole Gravity Falls unicorns but the good kind. Maybe in reverse falls, unicorns are awesome! I have so much to think about...). Enjoy!

Dipper was _done_. Absolutely done and it wasn't even nine in the morning yet. The subject of his doneness was one former-triangle-now-human currently sitting across from him ignoring the dirty looks that he along with fifty other Gryffindors gave him. He just kept rambling on to him about something or other but Dipper was in no state of mind to listen.

"Yo, Pinetree! You listening to me or what?"

"First you disturb my sleep and now my breakfast. Is nothing sacred to you?"

"There, there Dipper. Here, you need some Mabel juice." His sister handed him a glass of the aforementioned Mabel juice.

"Where did you get the plastic dinosaurs? Do wizards even know what plastic is? You there! What is plastic?!"

"What?"

"I knew it!" Dipper accepted the cup of Mabel juice and chugged it down while the Gryffindors next to him scooted over to a safer distance. Finishing his drink, Dipper finally had enough energy to ask: "What did you want anyway, Bill?"

"What? A guy can't come over to a rival house's table and say hi to his besties? Ah, I'm just kidding. I came to see if you guys wanted to check out the so-called out-of-bounds corridor tonight?" Dipper sighed, rubbing his forehead.

"Mabel, Imma let you take this one."

"Of course Dip Dop. Bill, we should totally do that!"

"Mabel, no!"

"Mabel, yes!"

"For God's sake, nobody is doing anything against the rules, okay? We need to fit in and learn so we can find a way home."

"But Pinetree," Bill whined. "He said it was forbidden, over pain of excruciating death, doesn't that just make you want to go more?"

"No." Bill pouted and grabbed his plate of food.

"Fine then. I see where I'm not wanted. Who wants to hang out with you wet blankets anyway. Ah, I'm just kidding. You guys are still mah besties. See you in class!"

A cloud of relief blew past as Bill left the Gryffindor table and went to join his fellow Slytherins. Bill stayed clear of the other Pinetree who was sat at the end of the table alone giving off an air of leg-breaking threat to anyone that tried to get close. Other Pinetree seemed to be a loner and Bill knew that making friends with him will do nothing whatsoever to help with his own social life.

Other Shooting Star was also of no help. Though Bill was impressed with how quickly she'd formed her harem, he had no interest in becoming another drone in the messed-up hive she'd set up for herself.

No, what Bill was looking for was world dominati- I mean, popularity. Popularity's what I meant. You can get far in life with the right connections and the further you go, the more things you can mess with. Bill knew that their situation here was temporary, which meant that he was in a rare and glorious position. Yes, the plan was simple: fuck up as much shit as possible (get it all out of your system), then retire in the original dimension with Pinetree. Bill's thinking about getting a porch... yeah, a porch sounds nice...

Cutting his daydream short, Bill spotted exactly what he was looking for. He had met Malfoy and his goons the night before and though he was pompous, he had connections and he knew how to have a little fun.

"'Sup, dude!" Bill didn't understand the confused look Malfoy gave him.

"What?"

"What is up, dude?" Bill tried again.

"...the roof?"

"Never mind." Bill goes to sit down but Malfoy stops him.

"What was that all about?"

"The greeting?"

"No, you sitting with the enemy." "Enemy? C'mon, man. Be cool."

"Cool? Look it's too early for your common tongue. Explain yourself or go find somewhere else to sit."

"Alright, alright. I know there's this weird team death match thing going on between the houses but dammit man, if star-crossed lovers isn't the most fucking romantic trope out there then I don't know what is!" It was then that Malfoy realised that Bill was absolutely insane and for the sake of his own sanity, decided to avoid questioning his reasoning from now on.

Speaking of star-crossed lovers, Will was on the receiving end of his own set of death stares as he approached the Slytherin table. Mason didn't offer any acknowledgement to Will's presence except for moving his bag to the other side of him. Will was about to sit in the space opened up when a Slytherin from across the table spoke up.

"Hey, Firsty- Your table's over there."

"I-I know. I'm-"

"If you know then bugger off, would you?" Will was about to scarper but Mason grabbed a hold of his sleeve before he could.

"Ignore the commoner, William. Sit." William promptly sat. The boy across the table, a third year by the looks of it, was not happy.

"Who the Hell do you think you are, talking to me like that?"

"Please, I wasn't talking to you. The fact that I am now is only out of pity that you're too doltish to understand when someone is ignoring you." The boy stood up now, his face as red as Mabel's lipstick.

"You think-" But he didn't get to finish. One second, he was getting up to give Mason a piece of his mind, in the next, he was on the floor, his shoelaces tied together. Mason's eyes glanced quickly to his right where he could just catch Will's clenched fists on his knees and one bright glowing blue eye. He reached for his drink to hide the smirk that creeped across his face before looking at the third year in exasperation.

"It seems you are more dimwitted than I thought. Honestly, if you can't even tie your own shoelaces, what makes you think you are worthy of being in my presence."

"Damn you. You'll pay for this." Believing to have made his point, the boy quickly retreated, his friends following after.

"Sorry, Master." Will spoke quietly but there was a clear anger in his voice. "I'll be sure to finish him off later."

"William." Will snapped out of it. His eye dimmed and he stopped tensing up. His head tilted low in shame.

"I-I'm sorry."

"Don't be. He was boorish. I'm just glad I didn't have to deal with him myself. Waste of time." He gave a small smirk which reassured him. The two went back to their breakfast in a comfortable silence.

Mabes wasn't one for long words. Normally, when hearing such words, you'd be in the middle of a science or maths class learning about trigonomonetry or homostatius and the like. Long words that meant a long and boring explanation. So no, Mabes was not happy to see that their first lesson was Transfiguration: A word that definitely sounded like there was a long ass explanation ahead.

When she got to the lesson however, she was pleased to find that not only did her teacher have the most amazing accent she's ever heard, but what they were doing was basically freaking alchemy! Alchemy was hot! Two years back, Candy had gotten her and Grenda to watch this Japanese cartoon thingy all about alchemy. It was awesome! The best part about this class though- it was alchemy without the sciency bullshit. Alchemy with magic- so essentially, alchemy _with_ bullshit. Dipper, who had almost the exact same thought, was rather disappointed and was hoping that this was going to be their science. Oh well, maybe astronomy's the way to go.

The class was handed their matchsticks and told to turn them into needles. Mason along with Hermione were both able to nearly complete the task. Mason wasn't particularly bothered by this unlike Hermione who gave a slight twitch upon hearing she wasn't the only one to do it. Mabes managed to make hers go all glittery because of course she did. Dipper couldn't quite focus due to the existential crisis he was having on behalf of the matchstick and Mabel just got frustrated. Bill on the other hand...

"Mr Cipher? What in God's name is that?"

"...A needle?"

"'Tis an abomination." The 'needle' in question was a small, gloomy black mass growing jagged metal spikes because of course it is.

"It has character."

"And why, pray tell, does a needle need character?"

"That's discrimination, professor."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Just because it's a needle or a matchstick doesn't mean it can't have personality." Professor McGonagall was dumbstruck for a few moments but reluctantly gave him another matchstick. She thought back to her first year with the Weasley twins and remembered a valuable lesson. If it's very broke, leave it were it is and hope no one gets hurt.


	5. Chapter 3: Will Was Having a Bad Day, Now He's Having a Good Day, But Now Mason's Having a Bad Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys! Gonna write this quick cuz I'm in desperate need of sleep. As usual, thanks so much for reading! I love you guys so much! You're spectacular!!!!

Will enjoyed his first lesson. History of Magic was quite interesting despite the monotone voice of the teacher and the numerous historical inaccuracies or perhaps they are parallels to their own world. Will doesn't remember anything about any goblin wars but he does remember the time he accidentally released an army of were-gnomes on humanity some three hundred or so years ago. They might seem like two completely different events to you but as Will kept listening he did start to find them surprisingly similar.

It was lunchtime now and Will had been invited to sit with his new friends in Hufflepuff who he had been exchanging notes with throughout the last half of the lesson. He was a little disappointed that he couldn't sit next to Mason but lunch was a lot busier than breakfast and everyone seemed to be keeping to their houses. He sat in between Susan and Hannah with Justin and Ernie across the table from them. He was rather fond of the group. They were all very friendly and joked around in a bantery way that he'd gotten used to over the summer.

"Looks like we got potions after lunch." Susan mentioned while looking over her timetable again.

"Nice! I've been looking forward to it." Ernie exclaimed.

"Really? Potions?" Hannah scoffed.

"Yeah, it looks interesting."

"Do you think it's like chemistry?" Justin wondered,

"What's chemistry?"

"Y'know, chemicals, formulas, periodic table, ring a bell?"

"You're just talking gibberish now."

"I-I like c-chemis-t-try..."

"Thank you! Glad there's somebody here who's educated."

"Oh shut it, Justin." Hannah snapped. "Anyways, I hear we got Professor Snape teaching us."

"So?" Ernie gave a confused look.

"Cedric told me that some of the teachers are guilty of favouritism and he's the worst of all. So unless you're a Slytherin..."

"Great. There go my dreams."

"I'm sure it'll b-be al-alright."

It was most assuredly not alright. Will cursed himself for jinxing them as he tried to keep up with the task. He was paired with Hannah who was doing a lot better on her half than he was. He couldn't concentrate with Snape looming over him every five minutes. It reminded him of Master Stanford, the way his shoes clicked in a silent room echoing the overbearing pressure of his gaze. Will was trying to cut up whatever plant Hannah had given him but his hands were shaking too much. He didn't like knives on the best of days but his anxiety only made him feel worse about it. Barely able to hold his knife anymore he turned to Hannah, keeping his voice low.

"Um, c-c-can you-"

"Something wrong, Mr Cipher?" Will jumped as Snape suddenly appeared beside him, the knife clattered onto the table.

"U-u-um n-no, sir. I-I-"

"Then why have you decided to interrupt this lesson?"

"I-I was j-just ask-k-k-"

"We were just discussing the potion, sir. This is a team effort after all." Hannah answered, full of way more confidence than there should be in an eleven year old. Snape raised an eyebrow at her, she raised one back, he flicked his robes and walked away. Will breathed in a shaky breath as Hannah held his hand and gave him a reassuring smile. She took the knife off of him and got him to do the stirring instead while he calmed down.

After potions, they all went to have food but Will wasn't in the mood for eating. Hannah spooned some food onto his plate when he didn't reach for any and gave him a rub on the shoulder.

"You okay?" She asked. Will nodded and thanked her for the food. He really didn't want to eat though. The anxiety made him nauseous and his empty eye-socket was aching under his eyepatch. He gave it a gentle rub but it did nothing to help.

"Hey, everything alright?" Will looked to see a boy a few years older than him sit in the empty seat beside him. Will thought he looked familiar but couldn't recall from where except from maybe around the dorm. He was worried that they'd already been introduced and that he'd forgotten his name. Luckily, this wasn't the case. Hannah must have noticed his confusion.

"Will, this guy with no manners is Cedric Diggory. He's a friend of mine."

"N-nice t-to meet y-y-you."

"Likewise. So what's up?"

"Snape was a git, Will's pretty shaken up."

"Oof, that's rough. Don't worry about it though, Snape's all bark and no bite... Unless you're a Gryffindor."

"Except for the Weasley twins."

"Nah, the twins are just smart enough not to get caught around him. One time, they managed to dye all of his robes pink with some weird potion that took a week to wear off."

"They didn't?!"

"Well, no one knows who did it but everyone assumes it was them." Cedric and Hannah were both grinning from ear to ear as they could hear Will quietly giggling. Hannah had turned to talk with Susan and the others while Cedric and Will continued. "So where are you from?"

"I-I'm living in Llanelli r-right now."

"Oh yeah, where's that?"

"W-Wales."

"Ah. Is it nice there?"

"Yes. I l-like it v-very much."

"You live here with your brother?"

"Mhm, and five others."

"Big house. Must be nice, I'm an only child myself."

"It c-can be l-loud. I-I-I'm n-not used to n-noise."

"Must be crazy coming here then. You liking it so far? Except for Snape of course!"

"I like th-the dorm, a-all the plants and m-my new f-f-friends."

"Am I one of these new friends?"

"Y-you are v-very nice t-t-too. We c-can be friends if y-y-you want."

"I do." He smiled but was interrupted when a bone came out of nowhere and flicked him on the side of the head.

Mason didn't like this older boy that was talking to his Will. He didn't like his dorky looking smile or the way he made Will laugh. To put it lightly, Mason was already planning a murder and it was only the second day.

"Sister dearest, how hard would it be to hide a body using magic?"

"Well, considering we tried to turn a match into a needle today, I'm guessing way easier than back home. Why? See something you don't like?" She leaned over close to him to see where he was glaring and spotted the boy talking to Will. "Oh, he's pretty!" Mason turned his glare to her. "Oh c'mon, brother. I just call it like I see it."

"He's girlish."

"Someone's jealo-"

"If you would kindly fuck off now sister, I would like to go back to my food."

"Ah, such a waste." Mabel sighed, staring off at tall, dark and pretty across the room.

Mason wasn't the only one feeling the rage tonight. Bill's eye twitched as he watched his Pinetree try to hold a conversation with some dark-skinned, dark-haired female who was clearly too old for him (or was he too old for her? Time/ dimension travel's tricky). The way the two interacted reminded Bill of Pinetree's relationship with Ice-cube except this time Pintree's got a bit more confidence than before. Bill decided to let Ice-cube live since she broke it off with Pinetree before anything could happen.

But this bitch! She laughed politely at his jokes and kept humouring him and giving him false hope. Bill could not allow this!

"Who is that female?" He asked Malfoy.

"Uh... Angelina Johnson. She plays for the Gryffindors quidditch team."

"Are there fouls in quidditch?"

"Not many."

"Where do I sign up?" A glint in his eye.

"You can't. Not until the second year."

"We'll see about that."

Later that night...

"No, Mr Cipher. You can't join the team, you're a first year."

"Please, Professor Snape. Just give me a shot! I promise I'll be good. I'll keep all injuries within the recommended limit!"

"What?"

"I've read the rules, sir. I know how far I can go before the referee has to intervene." Snape hesitated for a moment.

"Come back next year. Then we'll talk."


	6. Chapter 4: Is It Plagiarism If You Copy Something From Another Dimension That's a Few Years Ahead Of Your Own?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whazzup you guys!!! Hope you're all well. Mostly Bill-centric this chapter so lots of fun! Yay! Also what musicals do you guys like? I've been listening to loads lately so if you've got any recommendations, let me know. As per use, you guys are super awesome and I hope you enjoy!!! xxx

Mabes was currently enjoying her breakfast of pancakes, bacon and maple syrup on this fine Friday morning. Her brother sat next to her, his face deeply planted into some big ass book he borrowed from the library. He was having a quiet rant to himself about how quantum physics makes more sense than this bullshit magic system but Mabes wasn't really paying attention. Friday was bacon day and by Gods was she going to enjoy it.

"'Sup Pinetree, Shooting Star."

"Whazzup triangle man!" Mabes greeted Bill who, as per tradition, has decided to completely ignore his fellow housemates' advice and sit with 'the enemy'.

"Feel like I haven't seen you guys this week. Where've you been hiding?"

"The library." Mabes replied before Dipper could get out a 'no, Mabel, don't-'

"Ah! The one place I couldn't be bothered to check. Been reading those books, eh?"

"Dipper has. I've been working on a project!"

"What project?"

"It was the only way to keep her quiet, man." Dipper cut in, his voice slightly horrified. "I may have doomed us all."

"What?"

"Mabes!" Lavender Brown planted herself in the spot across Mabes (next to Bill), dropping a stack of papers in front of her. "I've read them all and I love it! The drama, the songs, the choreography! I can't get enough! Where did you come up with it all?"

"Oh, just something I remember from back home." Bill flicked through the stack quickly and found the titles of some familiar musicals he'd heard Shooting Star raving about back in their world.

"We have to do them!"

"Absolutely! Let's make the posters at lunch and stick 'em around school."

"Posters for what? A cult?" Bill asked.

"Basically." Dipper replied, slamming his head into his book and desperately wishing he hadn't mentioned anything to Mabes.

"No, sillies." Back to Mabes now. "A theatre club! And it will be glorious!" Mabes rising to stand on her seat while Lavender applauds.

"What have I done?!"

Severus was not happy, or at least, nowhere near as happy as he was expecting to be. All he wanted was a nice, easy lesson where he could yell at some incompetent children (mainly Potter), is that so hard to ask?

Apparently so, as he now had two absolute nightmares in his class. The potion is simple, dammit! So why do they insist on going off recipe?! Where are they even finding these ingredients?!

"What is this?"

"Which bit, sir?"

"All of it!"

"A potion."

"Why is it pink?"

"I added strawberry milk."

"And the shine?"

"Glitter." Severus blinked.

"What?"

"Glitter."

"And where did you get this... glitter?"

"Oh, I always have glitter!" Severus backed away from the clearly insane child and went to see what the other one had done. Honestly, he's mostly surprised that the ones they're paired up with hadn't stopped them.

"And how about you, Mr Cipher?"

"Which bit?"

"Just tell me what you added that wasn't specified in the clear instructions I gave you."

"Bat wings, a bit of hair, some iron filings for that extra shine and a few drops of virgin blood."

"And where did you get the... virgin blood?"

"Oh, I always have virgin blood!" He gives the other Pines a wink that leaves him looking confused and then horrified. Severus was wondering about whether or not he should report that. Then again... does he really care?

Realising that the two were completely out of control, he decided to pair the two together so as to minimise casualties (and hopefully potion ingredients as well). He also docked ten points from each of them as punishment (but later added ten to Slytherin since Malfoy and Miss Gleeful were doing an adequate job).

"Could have been a lot worse, Severus." Minerva tells him when he finally gets to the staff room later that day. "Something could have exploded, like with Filius."

"We were only doing wand movements!" Filius had a look of dread on his face. "I don't even know how it happened. One minute we were waving our wands, the next there was fire everywhere." Severus suddenly grew a lot more worried.

"Tea?" Minerva offered him.

"Yes!"

A week later, Bill was listening to Malfoy go on and on about some fake wizard duel he set up to get revenge on Potter. He laughed along, trying to sound sarcastic but maybe he wasn't doing it right cuz Malfoy still thought it was a brilliant plan. Bill had other things to worry about, though. The first is the giant three-headed dog he found in that forbidden corridor last week. It was pretty cute for a bloody massive mutant dog, but it was pissing Bill off how he couldn't manage to get past the damn thing. It was relentless! Didn't let him get anywhere near that mysterious trapdoor. Of course, Bill could just kill it. It would be so easy. But what would be less easy is doing it unnoticed. It's not like Bill has another giant three-headed dog to switch it with or anything.

The second thing, and far more important thing, is that progress between him and Pinetree was... slow-going. Before, it was easy. He was around Pinetree 24/7 and knew that it was only a matter of time before he wore him down. Now though, he's lucky to get a few hours in the day. Damn this school system! How is anyone supposed to do anything in their spare time when it's spent doing homework, eating or sleeping? Sometimes, Bill remembers just how inconvenient being a bag of flesh is. A new plan is what he needs. But what to do?

"Cipher, are you listening to me?"

"Obviously not, I've got more important things on my mind than your underwhelming plan."

"What's wrong with the plan?"

"I didn't say anything was wrong, I said it was underwhelming. I mean, the guy hurt your pride, right? So you should punch him in the face, dammit. Don't tattle to the teachers, break his knee caps!"

"You make it sound easy."

"Of course it is. Slip something into his drink, drag him to a broom closet and take a mallet."

"Alright Cipher, I think I've heard enough. Remind me not to get on your bad side." Malfoy laughs nervously and Bill gives him a friendly slap on the back.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville had narrowly avoided Filch, taking shelter in some random locked room they found. Having a moment to breathe, they noticed they were not alone. Sleeping in the middle of the random locked room was a big ass three-headed dog.

"If you wake it, I'll break your fucking knee caps." The group jumped at the sight of Bill Cipher, sitting in the corner of the room playing a triangle. Once he had finished his threat, the quartet instantly shut their mouths. "Good, now help me move its paw or get out."

"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked.

"I could ask you the same. Out of all the hundreds of rooms in this castle, you had to pick the one that had a discount Cerberus in it."

"It was an accident."

"Sure it was."

"Well, why are you here then?" Ron asked this time.

"Why else? I got a mystery to solve." The group looked at each other and then started backing away towards the door.

"Right. Well," Harry began, "We're just gonna go then. Um, don't tell anyone you saw us, yeah?" They were about to leave and get as far away from the crazy person as they could, when:

"And what's in it for me?"

"What?"

"What do I get for not telling the teachers?"

"Don't tell on us, we won't tell on you." Ron answered, feeling very annoyed.

"But you see, that only works if I care. I don't but you do. So, I'll ask again, what do i get in return?"

"What do you want?" Neville asked, sounding like he was about to wet himself.

"I need someone to talk me up to Pinetree when I'm not around."

"Who?" Hermione.

"What?" Harry.

"Why?" Ron.

"Aww." Neville.

"Just say some nice things to Pintree about me, as often as you can, and we'll call it square."


	7. Chapter 5: Dammit Woman, It was Self-Defense!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whazzup my beautiful narwhals! Dedicating this chapter to my amazing sister who gives me the best ideas and feedback and typed up the chapters up until now. You're the best!   
> Anyway, I had a lot of fun with this chapter. I've set up this whole long term revenge plan and I've had dipper being badass because he is and I think people tend to forget that.  
> As always, you're all amazing and I hope you enjoy! xxx

The walk from the dungeons to the kitchen was tiresome. It didn't help that Mason had to pass by the Great Hall as well to see if Will had beaten him there. He didn't think he did. It was a Saturday morning and not many were up at this time. There wasn't really any reason why Mason decided to force himself up on one of his days off. He can do what he likes. It's definitely not because Diggory had been hanging around Will far too much lately and Mason felt the need to assert his dominance.

Straightening his clothes and brushing out his hair, Mason made his way through the winding corridors only stopping briefly to hand over a delivery for a fifth year. He found the entrance to the Hufflepuff dormitories and leaned against the wall casually waiting for Will to leave. He checked his watch. 7.23am. Fuck's sake.

It wasn't until just gone ten that Will left the dorm along with Abbot, Bones and... _Diggory_. The group were chatting and laughing but Mason relished the fact that Will lit up even more when he saw him. Not that he showed it in front of the commoners, of course.

"G-g-good morning, Mast-" Will cut himself off, suddenly remembering they were still with company.

"Let's go then."

"Hold up!" _Diggory_. The two had yet to exchange words but Mason made sure to let him know he wasn't welcome. Mainly by telekinetically attacking him with whatever happened to be by him. Diggory didn't know it was him, though.

"Yes?"

"We haven't been introduced. The name's-"

"Cedric Diggory, I know. William's told me about you."

"All good things, I hope?" Mason shrugs and Diggory starts to feel a bit awkward. The bump in the back of his head, from that ink well that came out of nowhere, started to throb when he looked at the over-confident first year. "Well, anyway, we were on our way to breakfast. Do you want to join us?"

"No. William."

"Coming. S-see you g-guys later." Diggory and the others were about to protest but Mason gave them a look that made them take a step back. Satisfied, Mason turned on his heel and left without another word with Will close behind him.

Albus was enjoying his morning so far. He was at his desk with a nice cup of tea and a copy of Witch Weekly. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and-

"What the shit, Professor!" Albus jumped. Witch Weekly is whisked into the draw and his tea put down for health and safety.

"How did you get in here? Who gave you the password?"

"That's not important."

"It was Severus, wasn't it? Severus hates me."

"I've come to talk about the unlawful favouritism in this school."

"Mr Cipher, if you are referring to the fact that Mr Potter has been allowed to join the quidditch team then I am afraid there is nothing I can do about it." Albus could see that the boy wasn't going to drop it, the look in his eye was appalled at the explanation he gave and so he thought to clarify. "Mr Potter has shown that he is more capable than most already on the team and thus we allowed him to play. The game is very dangerous and if I let another first year join a team then they'll all want to."

"That's a pretty piss-poor excuse, old man."

"I'm afraid that's life, Mr Cipher." Albus thought it was a really good excuse but the boy was clearly distressed and wouldn't listen to reason. "Now, I believe you have lessons to get to?" He picked up his tea but when he looked back up, the boy was livid. His voice was like the calm of the storm.

"So, you stand against me?" The room grew darker and the temperature dropped, his tea grew ice cold. Cipher's eye turned a glowing red and Albus began to reach for the wand in his pocket. "Very well, old man. But beware, for I shall pay you back threefold." And with that the room returned to normal, his tea was still cold but the danger was gone. Cipher left the room, slamming the door on his way out and knocking the pictures off the wall beside it. Using a heating charm to warm up his tea, Albus sat back wondering whether or not he had just witnessed the birth of the next dark lord. _Over quidditch?_ He thought, _surely not._

It was Halloween. They had charms in the morning but otherwise they had the day day free. Rumors went around about some amazing feast to happen that evening but dipper was far too 'in the zone' to be thinking about that. while Mabes went up to the dormitory to work on their costumes, (God knows what they're gonna be) Dipper made his way to the library to continue with his research. The book he's had recommended to him by Madam Pince was very hopeful in finding their way home. He was so hopeful in fact, that he had blanked out the rest of the world around him and only realised that he had been ambushed by some of his classmates when the book was taken from him.

"Bill, I swear to- Oh. You're not... Can I help you?" Up until now, he hadn't exchanged much words with the people in his house. Mabes, Lavender, Angelina, Fred and George were the only exceptions he really made so he was surprised to see the Dynamic Duo, Neville and Hermione surrounding him on all sides.

"Um... well..." Hermione mumbled. "We just thought that we haven't really properly got to know each other yet so..."

"Yeah, no offense or anything but we're kinda in the library right now. Do you want to save this for lunch or something?"

"Lunch was four hours ago." Harry interjected.

"Seriously? Fuck, no wonder I'm hungry." He didn't miss the way the 11 year olds around him were taken aback by his swearing. "Sorry, Bill's a bad influence." The group of them shared a look which had Dipper a little suspicious.

"So, you and Bill seem close."

"I suppose."

"He's pretty cool, y'know." Ron brought up.

"Yeah, I guess?" Dipper furrowed his eyebrows.

"I've seen him in flying lessons, he's pretty good. Would definitely make the team next year."

"He's quite funny too." Harry added.

"I bet he's be really good at magic if he put the effort in." Hermione this time- heck, even Neville tried to add:

"He's really good looking-"

"Alright, I'm gonna stop you all right there. Look, i know Bill's got this whole cool kid vibe going on with him, but trust me you do not want to get involved with him."

"We're not-" Ron started but Harry kicked his leg as Madam Pince passed nearby.

"Why not?" Harry asked quietly.

"Ok, I don't know how none of you have noticed yet, but the dude's insane."

"Oh, I'm sure he's not that bad." Hermione reasoned.

"Have you ever woken up and found that instead of fingernails, you had wasps?!"

"Shh" Madam Pince hissed.

"I'm so sorry, Madam. We'll keep it down from now on." Satisfied, she went back to her business. Whispering in frustration, Dipper turned back to the group. "Dammit guys, I've got a nice thing going on with Madam Pince and you guys are ruining it!"

"What?" Honestly, at this point Dipper was exhausted. His hunger had caught up to him and he really wanted to finish the bit he was reading.

"Look, can we just do this later, I'm really busy and I don't even get why you guys are here in the first place."

"We just want to get to know you." Harry replied.

"Why? You want me in your gang? Or Bill? I don't get why you guys are hanging out anyway, I thought you two hated her." He pointed his thumb towards Hermione and instantly regretted when he saw the boys flinch. When he was about to apologize, Hermione was already on her feet, her things gathered and leaving with tears in her eyes. "Fuck, now I've done it." Dipper grabbed his things and quickly followed after.

"C'mon Hermione, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it, I was just tired. Besides, if they didn't like you then they wouldn't be hanging around with you would they?" Dipper had been there for three freaking hours already. He was tired and so hungry but he wasn't gonna leave until he had set things right. By about the second hour, he had completely accepted the fact that he was standing outside a girls' bathroom begging for forgiveness whilst simultaneously scaring away all the other girls who want to use the bathroom.

It must have been around seven or eight when he heard it. A low grunt and heavy stomping slowly coming towards him. Looking down the corridor in the direction of the noise, he barely had time to run into the bathroom when he saw the troll coming around the corner. Hermione had just come out of the stall and noticed Dipper quickly shutting the door behind him.

"What are you doing?!"

"Look, I know this looks bad but it's about to get a lot worse. We are fucked." Hermione could hear it now. The footsteps that didn't sound human now outside the door. Dipper grabbed her and pulled her into the nearest stall with him, a finger on his lips and she nodded in reply. The troll pushed the door open and they could hear it trudging about in the room. They both squeezed each other's hands and sweat dripped from their foreheads as they waited for it to leave. A different sound then. The sound of the door shutting and locking. They both looked at each other in horror and the troll seemed to notice that the door had moved. It went to push it open but it didn't budge. In annoyance, it smashed it open with his club and Hermione screamed thinking that it was them that were about to be hit.

Dipper had no time to think as he pulled Hermione down to the ground just as the troll took a swing to the stalls. The troll didn't go for another attack. Harry and Ron were at the door now, throwing bits of debris at the thing and yelling at them to move. Dipper pushed Hermione past the troll as quickly as he could, the monster focusing on the other two and had now grabbed Harry by the ankle, dangling him in the air and trying to swing at him. He got Hermione to Ron and grabbed a sharp plank of wood. He yelled as he jumped onto the back of the beast and tried to pierce its thick hide. It dropped Harry and attacked Dipper with much more vigor that before. The thing was furious but Dipper was smaller and faster and managed to dodge each of its blows in time.

_'Hey Pinetree. So I saw you weren't at the feast and I thought I'd just let you know that there's a troll-'_

"DAMMIT BILL, I KNOW!!!" He dodged again. The attacks weren't hard to see coming. The thing was dumber than a rock so Dipper took his time in figuring out its weak spot. Knees? No. Back of knees? Yes. Aim for the joint. Wrist. Cut. Ankle. Stabbed. Eyes. Gouged. Throat. Dead. 

The troll was on the floor. Both it and Dipper covered in grey coloured blood. Dipper wiped a bit off his face as the teachers began to pour in. Shock was plastered on each of their faces.

"Mr Pines? What in Merlin's name happened here?" McGonagall broke the silence, her voice thick with... anger? _Fuck,_ Dipper thought, _am I in trouble?_

"It was self-defense, Professor!" He reasoned. The teachers all gave each other a look but Dipper had no idea what it was about.

The group ended up in the hospital wing being checked over for injuries. By the sounds of it, none of them were in trouble. Hermione covered for them and they lost some points but Dipper was happy to see that the three were now getting along. They made their way back to the dormitory in silence still recovering from the trauma. It wasn't until they got back to the portrait that the shock had worn off.

"What the bloody Hell was that, Dipper?" Ron asked.

"What?"

"Don't 'what?' me. You just took down a bloody troll with your own two hands!"

"Well, yeah. I mean, it wasn't hard or anything." The trio looked at him with jaws dropped.

"Wasn't hard?!" Harry argued.

"Please," He scoffed. "It's no multi-bear." He entered the dorm, leaving the others more confused than before.

"What's a multi-bear?" Hermione asked.

"I'm afraid to ask." Harry replied. The trio pulled themselves together and gave the password. As the door opened, they could hear a lot of shouting and pleading. Mabes was currently dressed as Mario while she, Fred, George, Angelina and Lavender (all in costumes) beat Dipper to death with pillows.

"Mabel, please- there was a troll!!!"

"KILL THE TRAITOR!!!!"


	8. Chapter 6: Oh My God, You Guys!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow my beautiful penguins and a Merry Christmas to you all! Yes, what's better than pretend Christmas in July ?(other than actual Christmas in December, that is) Hope you enjoy the chapter and that you're all having a super cool cozy day! xxx

Mabes was frantic. She’d finally been able to book the Great Hall for the theatre club, but now the reality has hit her. With only a little over a month to get everything ready: the costumes, the dress rehearsal, the music… everything!

“How’s it looking, Mabes?” Lavender asked.

“Looks like we’ll have to pull off some all-nighters, we won’t have a free weekend for a while.” The cast looked at each other worried.

“But ma’am, there’s a quidditch match tomorrow.”

“There’s no way we can get this all done in time!”

“Maybe we should do an easier musical?”

“Maybe they’re right, Mabes.” Lavender began flicking through Mabes’ collection of scripts. “I think Les Mis is too big to do in a month, even if we rush. What about… aha!” She hands over a script to Mabes. A dark cloud grew overhead and the anxiety of the cast grew as Mabes began to laugh maniacally.

“Hahaha… very well, then.” She tied her hair in a sparkly scrunchie and rolled up her copy of the script. “Mr Zabini!”

“Yes, ma’am!?” He squeaked.

“You’re my best dancer, have a look through the music and get a group together to sort out the choreography. Everyone read through the script, we’ll be doing audition’s tomorrow morning. I’ll go over the songs this afternoon so you can all practice. Lavender, any ideas for costumes?”

“If everyone brings in their clothes from home, we should be able to put something together.”

“Alright. Chorus! Get out there and advertise the shit out of this musical. Get everyone on the hype train and throw in some recruitment posters as well, we’ll need all the help we can with the set.” She handed the script to Fred who made multiple copies, handing them over to George to pass to everyone else.

“Ma’am?” One of the first years peeped. “What musical are we doing?” Mabes grinned, chucking over her copy.

“Legally Blonde.”

Dipper was never really much of a sports person. I mean, he’d heard of it, this ‘sports’ thing. Apparently it was really popular for some reason, Dipper just couldn’t figure out why. Quidditch seemed alright though. The commentator was bias but that just made everything he said hilarious, and it was cool watching people flying about. He mostly came to support Angelina, the two had been getting along well over the last couple of months and Dipper quite liked her. Not that he knew how to put that into words. To be honest, everything was starting to feel a bit déjà vu.

It was nice to take a break from research though, not that it was going anywhere… The book he found before hadn’t been as hopeful as he thought. He couldn’t find anymore books on the subject of inter-dimensional travel (there weren’t that many to begin with) and so decided it was probably best to just read all the library books and hope that he stumbles on the solution.

He wasn’t surprised to find Bill to his left watching the game with him (also muttering some curses under his breath about something but Dipper couldn’t catch any of it), what he was surprised about was that Mason had parked himself to the other side of him without so much as a ‘hey’.

“Didn’t think this was your thing.” He mentioned casually to Dipper who in turn jumped a bit because the two didn’t really talk that much.

“I’ve got a friend in the team.” He missed the way Bill clenched his fists at that comment. “Not really your thing either though, is it?”

“I suppose not.” He sighed. “I made a bet with some people in 5th year so now I’m forced to watch it to see if I win.”

“Who’d you bet on?”

“Gryffindor. Potter will catch the snitch but only after he has some trouble with his broom. I’d also keep an eye on your demon, he’s planning on messing with that friend of yours.” Dipper quickly hit Bill over the head.

“Don’t you dare!”

“Oww. Jesus, Pinetree. I hadn’t even done it yet!” Bill rubbed the bump beginning to form on his head. “Y’know this pain thing is a lot less fun than it used to be.”

“How’d you know anyway?” Dipper turned back to his doppelganger.

“As much as I hate to admit it, my darling sister can be surprisingly gifted when it comes to fortune telling. But if you teel her I said that, I will kill you in your sleep and transfigure your body into a pebble.”

“Good to know.” He gulped. Watching the game unfold, he gasped as he saw Angelina fall off her broom when she was tackled by those Slytherin players. _I swear, if I find out Bill had anything to do with that…_ “Where’s Will anyway? I thought he’d be with you?” Mason scowled.

“William has been captured by some commoners and I can’t be bothered to rescue him right now.”

“The Hufflepuff Hoes strike again, amirite?” Bill chimed in, smirking at Mason.

“Do fuck off, Cipher.”

“Pinetree, he’s bullying me! Do something!”

“No, you deserved that one, Bill.” Bill pouted for a second but stopped when he saw Harry fall from his broom.

“Well whaddya know. Reverse Pinetree was right.”

“Isn’t anyone gonna do something?”

“Relax, Pines. Some fuzzy-haired brunette is going to set her teacher on fire. That will solve everything.”

…

“Sounds legit.”

Christmas had fast approached. After a strongly worded letter from Puff, the gang had decided to stay at the castle for the holidays in fear of his health. Mabes spent the first day of the holidays completely dead from pulling off the theatre club’s performance of Legally Blonde the night before. Now frothing at the mouth and mumbling some variation of ‘Oh My God You Guys’, Mabes was basking in the sweet afterglow of success.

Christmas day was declared to be a family day though, so Dipper, Mabel and Mason were all dragged to the Hufflepuff dorm by Mabes and Bill (Will happily guiding them along) to open presents. The group sat by the fireplace along with Ducktective and Cerulean (Ceru for short, Will’s kitten – currently keeping Mason from getting too close). Puff had sent them each some chocolate and some ‘fun’ stationary. The group themselves had agreed (read: forced into by Mabes under pain of glitter bomb) to do a secret Santa. Dipper got Bill, Bill got Mabes, Mabes got Will, Will got Mason, Mason got Mabel, and Mabel got Dipper.

Dipper felt like there was some kind of demonic intervention going on when he drew Bill’s name but nevertheless worked hard to come up with a gift idea. The worst part was that it had to be handmade since none of them could go out and buy anything. Will happily handed over a stash of cookies to Mason which he accepted as graciously as he could whilst in public (so like, a nod I guess?). Mabes gave Will a teddy which she dressed as Elle from the musical. He hugged it close while Ceru gave it a few warning prods to see if it would move. Mabel gave Dipper one of the box of chocolates she received from one of her harem members (Of course she didn’t tell him this) and Mason gave Mabel permission to take one item from his inventory.

“What inventory?” Dipper asked.

“Brother’s been known to acquire things you can’t normally get in this school.”

“Like what?”

“Not much.” Mason shrugged. “Got limited resources for now. Potions, ingredients and the like. By next year, I should have much more variety.”

Bill’s turn next, he hands Mabes a purple sparkly wrapped box.

“For my favourite future sister in law.”

“Oh, you!” She giggled, Dipper giving the two of them a confused look. Inside the box was a 50m roll of stickers. “Oh my fucking God! Yes! Yes, Bill, yes!!!”

“What have you done?” Dipper cried before getting a sticker plastered to his forehead. “Oh God, what does it say?” Will squinted his eye to try and focus on it.

“M-moop?”

Allowing Mabes to get all the stickering out her system by decorating the dorm, Dipper finally hands over his present for Bill. He hands over a couple of packets of Bertie Botts’ Every Flavour Beans which, after days and days of not being able to figure out what to get him, he managed to convince Fred and George to pick up for him when they went to Hogsmeade. He did consider very briefly about giving him the instructions for some weird spells he’d found in the library but immediately went off the idea at the thought of the resulting chaos that would ensue.

The rest of the day was spent having Christmas dinner and playing whatever board game they could find in the dorms. Mason at some point pulled Will aside to give him a scarf which he got a 4th year girl to make for him in exchange for a love potion. Bill himself had thought about also getting Dipper a present, but decided to wait until he had him for secret Santa. Then he would give him the best damn present ever and rub in his face just how great he is.

The evening ended with butterbeer and a major headache on Dipper’s behalf. Mabes wanted to keep it going all night but Will had started to fall asleep and Mabel was starting to get grouchy.

“We should do this again sometime.” Dipper mentioned as they went to go their separate ways.

“Absolutely not.” Mason smiled politely. “See you on the train home.” He waved as he walked away. After him, Mabel and Bill had gone, a very sleepy Will called out to Dipper and Mabes.

“Um… th-thank you… f-for invit-t-ting us. It was f-fun.”

“Yeah, no problem. It’s too bad Mason didn’t enjoy himself, though.” Will shook his head.

“N-no. M-master was really happy. It w-was our f-f-first proper C-christmas.” Dipper blinked. He’d assumed that the Gleefuls must have had really extravagant Christmases up until now, but Will seemed very sure of himself.

“Alright then. ‘Til the next one.”


	9. Chapter 7: ‘Hide it in Hogwarts,’ You Said, ‘It’ll be Safe,’ You Said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! I did it! I finished the first book! Huzzah! Just six more to go (crying internally!). I really hope you all enjoyed it and will stick around for the books to come. Do so and I solemnly swear that Bill will continue to fuck shit up. I have a really hard time writing Mabel G's character so if there are any fans out there let me know and I'll try and include her into it in the next books. Anyway, as I always say, you guys are da best! I wish you all well and hope you'll be back for the sequels. Love you lots xxx

Bill passed by the piles of stone corpses at his feet. Those years of playing chess with Stanford had finally paid off as he demolished his opponent. _It was almost too easy_ , he thought as he took off his shoe to shake out a bit of rock that had got in. _So, so far I’ve had to knock out a three-headed dog, burn some plants and kill some stone people… whatever next?_

He opened the door behind his opponent’s pieces and entered an even bigger room than the last. There was a horrible screeching buzz coming from above him and when he looked up to see what it was, he found several hundred flying keys. He looked at the keys, and then at the broom in the middle of the room. Back at the keys… Then the broom. Keys. Broom.

Keys…

…Broom.

“For fuck’s sake. I’m a beater not a seeker. Does your favouritism have no end, old man?!” He looked back between the broom and the keys again and sighed. “This is gonna take fucking forever, isn’t it?”

“Does anyone happen to know where Mr Cipher is?” Dipper and Mabes had spent all morning trying to come up with an excuse. They couldn’t just say he was sick, otherwise they’d go check his room and see he wasn’t there. The excuse they came up with was ridiculous. So ridiculous in fact, that it had to work. But as Dipper sat in the presence of the potions professor, he suddenly really didn’t want to be the one to announce it. Luckily, Mabes was on it.

“We’re playing hide and seek, sir.” She smiled. Snape was… less impressed.

“What?”

“We’re playing hide and seek and I haven’t found him yet.” There were a few giggles in the classroom but Snape paid them no mind.

“How long has he been hiding?”

“Since yesterday, sir. Can’t find him anywhere. I reckon he’s cheating, gone to hide outside or something.”

“How is that cheating?” Mabel questioned.

“If you announce you’re playing hide and seek inside, you can only hide inside. The same if you’re playing outside. It’s basic hide and seek etiquette.”

“Enough.” Snape scowled, he rubbed his forehead to sooth the headache the girl was giving him. “How long do you plan on keeping this up?” Mabes thought for a moment.

“Well, the human body can go 3 weeks without food so as long as he’s got something to drink, we’re looking at about that long at most, sir.”

Classes ended. Snape had decided to let Bill go for now but when he re-emerged he was going to face his wrath. Dipper left the classroom fairly quickly, dropping a note on Mason’s desk as he did. He then made his way to one of the benches outside and pulled out a book while he waited. He didn’t have to wait long though. A few minutes later, Mason casually sat on the other end of the bench and pulled out a book of his own.

“What business?” He muttered.

“I hear you’re a man who can get things.” Mason quickly glanced around to see if anyone was listening.

“I’ve been known to acquire certain items from time to time. What strikes your fancy?”

“I need fire whiskey. I hear Snape’s got a vintage collection hidden somewhere in the castle.”

“My, my. Aren’t you a little young for that?”

“It’s not for me!” Dipper whispered a bit too sharply and had to check to see if anyone had heard.

“Who for then?”

“That’s for me to know and you to never find out.” He snapped.

“Fair enough. I know where what you’re looking for is. I can get it delivered by tonight, but what are you offering in return?”

“What do you want?”

“How’s about we do this old school, I’ll get you the fire whiskey and in return you owe me a favour?” Dipper hesitated, he didn’t like the gleam in Mason’s eye when he said this.

“Nothing illegal, right?”

“Nothing _highly_ illegal. But who knows. Maybe I’ll just ask you to do some research for me or something. What do you say?”

Dipper arrived at the library the next day, a paper bag with a bottle of vintage fire whiskey inside hidden under his cloak. The library was quiet at this time of day (I mean it’s always quiet, I guess) since everyone was having breakfast are still sleeping. He approached the desk casually and slid the bag to Madam Pince along with a pile of books to conceal the transaction. She peeked inside the bag quickly before placing it under her desk. She then pulled out a small book and handed it over to him. Dipper opened it to find a signed permission slip for the restricted section inside and nodded in acknowledgement.

“Pleasure doing business with you.”

Harry stood before the man who killed his parents, clutching the stone in his hands and glaring, hoping that he looks at least a little bit intimidating.

“Give me the stone!” Voldemort hissed. Harry looked at the stone in his hands and was prepared to deny the man his request when he noticed something strange. He did a double take but it was still there. Harry was very confused but then very giddy all of a sudden and did his best not to crack a smile.

“Alright, you can have it.” He chucked it over and Quirrell struggled to catch it. Voldemort was laughing maniacally and Harry was backing away. He didn’t get far though before Quirrell announced:

“What is this?”

“What?!” Voldemort snapped out of his supposed victory.

“It’s a fake!” He cried. “Potter! Where’s the real one? What have you done with it?” Quirrell was advancing on him now, his eyes full of rage.

“Don’t ask me. That’s what came out of the mirror. Someone must have beat you to it.”

“Show it to me!” Voldemort screeched. Quirrell obeyed, showing the stone to the back of his head. There was writing on the stone, it was small but you could just make it out.

_Here’s a stone that’s 1/1000 th of your power. Now you know how I felt._

Voldemort screamed in rage, if he or Quirrell had hair, they’d surely be pulling it out. He glared at Harry through the mirror. “KILL HIM!!!”

Earlier that day, Bill was lying down out in the sun while Pinetree read a book next to him. The book looked really interesting actually, talked about how to make someone’s eyes bleed black at one point. Bill might borrow it later. As he was about to drift off, he could just hear the meddling sound of the Golden Trio going on about Snape trying to steal some stone… stone? _Oh right!_

“Pinetree, here.” He chucked over the flame red stone he’s found a few months ago and kept out of spite.

“What’s this?”

“What do you think? It’s a pretty stone. I’m giving you a pretty stone.”

“Oh… thanks?”

The last day of the year had arrived. Will was packing up his things very neatly while Ceru napped on his shoulder. He didn’t have any problem fitting anything in, unlike Ernie in the bed next to him who was currently sitting on his suitcase while Justin tried to do up the buckles. Will coughed and all of a sudden the things in Ernie’s case had miraculously fir into place and closed without any more trouble.

“Well that’s that then.” Justin dusted off his hands. “Let us know if you need us to do the same for your case, Will.”

“W-will do.” Will finished packing not long later and the guys met up with the girls in the main hall for breakfast. Will couldn’t see Mason anywhere so decided to sit with his friends until he arrived.

“You guys got everything packed?” Hannah asked. “Pyjamas, toiletries, socks?”

“Yes, mum. Everything’s packed.” Ernie jeered.

“Dammit. Socks! I knew there was something.” Justin face palmed. “When we go back up, don’t let me forget them, ok?”

“Who’s forgetting what now?” Cedric joined the table, sitting next to Will. Ceru, who was still on Will’s shoulder, woke up from her nap to glare at the boy, ready to claw his eyes out if he came any closer.

“Justin forgot to pack his socks.” Susan caught him up.

“Ah, Merlin, me too!” Cedric realised, then turned to Justin. “I’ll remind you if you remind me.”

“Deal.” The two shook on it before going back to their breakfast.

“So Will,” Cedric began. “Any plans for the holidays?”

“U-um, nothing r-r-really. You?”

“Me and dad are going to Brazil for a few weeks.”

“O-oh, wow! T-that sounds amaz-zing.”

“I’ll bring you back a souvenir, ok?”

“Hey! What about us?” Hannah yelled.

“Well obviously I’m getting you guys something as well.” He laughed. Hannah gave him an overly dramatic ‘you better’ look before switching to a look of realisation.

“Mm, we need to exchange addresses!” She pulled out some paper from her pocket and wrote down her address. She passed it around the table for everyone else to put there address on before passing it to Cedric for him to make copies. Cedric passed the copies around, handing the last one to Will.

“Promise you’ll write?”

“O-of c-c-course!” Will smiled. Cedric smiled back and Will went to grab some more toast. Cedric was soon scowling though when a goblet thwacked him in the back of the head. He turned to glare at Mason Gleeful who had just arrived and taken a seat at the Slytherin table. He noticed that Will had seen him as well and the two were staring at each other for a moment before Will smiled and turned back to the table. Mason returned Cedric’s glare with a smirk and though Will had decided to sit with them for breakfast, Cedric somehow felt that Mason had won this one.

The train ride back was quieter than the one on the way. Dipper had all but chained Bill to his seat to stop him from wandering off again and causing any more chaos. The three of them were playing Russian roulette with a pack of Bertie Botts’ for a bit before Bill dared Mabes to eat a handful at once. This lead to her puking outside the window as the cacophony of flavours (from strawberry to belly button fluff) caused her taste buds and her stomach to commit suicide.

When they arrived at the station, Puff was pleased to find that he didn’t have to wrangle them all together or that no one was missing any limbs. Over the year, he had only received two letters from Hogwarts about how Bill had gone missing for a week and a half and how Dipper had murdered a troll. He didn’t reply to either of them in the hopes that they wouldn’t make it his problem. All in all, it could have been much worse so Puff was grateful for that at least.

Just 6 more years to go!

Albus was enjoying his end of year Appletini (complete with little umbrella) in his office. He was a little bit worried that the stone had gone missing but decided to leave it for today. Today is sacred, just relax and let future Albus deal with it-

“What the shit, Albus?!” Or present Albus.

“Nicholas! Good to see you. How’s the wife?”

“Oh no, you’re not getting off that easy. Where the fuck is my stone, Albus?!”

“It’s safe.” He lied.

“Bullshit it’s safe. I hear someone’s stole it! You had one job! ‘Hide it in Hogwarts,’ you said, ‘It’ll be safe,’ you said. If a bunch of first years can get to it, what made you think anyone else couldn’t?”

“I swear, I did everything I could, Nicholas.”

“You know I need that stone to live, Albus! Do you want me to die?! Is that what you want?!”

“Actually I was hoping we could discuss that.”

“WHAT?!”


	10. Chapter 8: To be Fair, If I Saw a Spider I Would Set the Kitchen on Fire Too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Yeah, second book! Whoop whoop!!! It's the murder mystery year yay! I'm looking forward cuz there's no way that Dipper and Mabes wouldn't get involved this year cuz y'know, Mystery Twins and all that jazz. Finally watched Hamilton yesterday so I'm buzzing! It was so good! Thoroughly recommend it if you haven't seen it already. But anyway, you guys are the best fluffiest unicorns a girl could ever wish for and I hope you all enjoy xxx

It was a beautiful mid-August morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the kitchen was on fire. Yep, everything was just right. Gerald Puff breathed out a sigh of relief as he sat in his sun lounger enjoying the lovely day with a martini in his hand. The summer had been… stressful so far but after a very _thorough_ family meeting the night before, life was coming up Gerald.

Yes sir, from now on no more testing experimental potions on each other, no more barbaric divination on the dining table, no more ‘surprises’ in the broom cupboard. Life was gonna be alright now. The kids were nuts but he was sure they were nice enough to respect his wishes… why did he smell smoke?

“MABEL, QUICK GET THE HOSE! FOR FUCK’S SAKE BILL STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME!!!!” Puff could hear Dipper’s voice somewhere near the source of the smoke and leapt to his feet. He sprinted into the house and through the windy passageways, pulling out his wand as he pushed Dipper and Bill out the way and promptly put out the fire that had taken out half the kitchen already. Once the smoke cleared, he turned to the culprits.

“One day. You couldn’t even last one day!”

“We didn’t start the fire!” Dipper protested.

“It’s been always burning since the world’s been turning.”

“Shut up, Bill, you’re making it worse!”

“Then who started it?” Puff asked sceptically.

“I don’t-“

“I’VE GOT THE HOSE!!!” Mabes came running down the hallway, hose in hand and screaming a war cry as she blasted water along the way.

“MABEL NO!!!”

Sitting in the living room, half of them with hair messy from the sudden drying spell after the fiasco with the hose. Puff was furious.

“I don’t understand. I thought we covered spontaneous fires last night. Why is it still happening?!”

“To be fair, you only covered ‘on-purpose’ fires, nothing about accidental ones.” Bill mentioned.

“So it was you!”

“No, I just… helped it along.”

“Bill!”

“You also said nothing last night about not keeping a fire going.”

“It should have been obvious!” Puff took a deep breath, reigning in his anger. “You’re cleaning it up. And you’re grounded, for the rest of the summer.”

“Oh come on, man. Be cool!”

“No, I will not be cool! Who lets a fire burn down their kitchen?! No one, that’s who!”

“Well, I’m not the only culprit here. This fire was a two man job.” Bill pointed out.

“Fine, who started it?” Puff looked amongst the potential suspects as intimidatingly as he could waiting for someone to crack.

“I did it.” Mason sighed raising his hand. “I started the fire.”

“Bull shit.” Puff replied. “If it were you then you wouldn’t have said anything. Heck, we wouldn’t have been able to prove it was you. That means you’re covering for… no…” Puff turned dejectedly at Will who looked on the brink of tears. “Not you, Will.”

“I’m s-sorry.”

“But you’re the good one!”

“Th-th-there was a sp-spider…” Mason patted him on the head while Puff collapsed into his armchair.

“Help clean the kitchen and you’re grounded for a week.”

“Favouritism!!!” Bill declared.

“It’s his first offence, Bill, have a heart!”

Mabes was ecstatic. She clutched her copy of Magical Me close to her chest as she dragged Dipper and the others to the long line outside Flourish and Blotts. Over the summer, she had gone through Puff’s entire collection of books by Gilderoy Lockhart devouring every word and maybe writing a fanfic or two. When she’d heard there was going to be a books signing, she just knew she had to be there. Puff seemed just as excited as she did as they waited in line. The rest of them… not so much.

“Can we go?” Mabel asked. “Surely you don’t need all of us here.”

“Exactly,” Her brother agreed. “We could get started on the rest of the supplies while we’re waiting.”

“Oh no.” Puff shook his head. “I know that’s just asking for trouble. You’ll all stay where I can see you.”

“Wow, no trust.” Mabel complained.

“After last year? It was hard enough when I was with you lot, Merlin knows what you’ll do without me keeping an eye on you.”

“Oh come now, Puff. That was a year ago, we’ve all grown since then. Some of us are far more mature than others. Puberty does wonders y’know.”

“Don’t.” Puff shuddered. “I don’t want to think about it. Promise to never mention it again and I’ll let you have half an hour.”

“Deal.” The group started to leave (sans Mabes) when Puff quickly grabbed Bill by the collar, stopping him in his tracks.

“Not you, Bill.” Bill pouted, he knew he was still grounded and the only reason he was there was that he wasn’t trusted to watch the house.

“Curses!” He cried.

Dipper felt a bit weird following around the mirror trio. He’d never really spent any time alone with them and he felt like a kind of fourth wheel right now. Mabel was trying to drag them into some other shops but Mason would steer her back in the right direction.

“Come on, brother dear. He’s not going to know.”

“If you want more freedom in the future then you need to establish trust. Like you said, we need to show how much we’ve grown.”

“Or we could give the list to Dipper and go do our own thing?”

“Or we could do that, yes.” And so, he was ditched. List in hand and a Will by his side (who felt bad about making him do the work by himself) they set about completing their task.

They met back up with the Gleeful twins a few minutes before they had to go back to the book shop. Mason moved the items in the bags around a bit so that he had all his school supplies in his bags to hide God knows what.

When they met up with the other three, they had just finished having their books signed, Puff was dragging Mabes away while also holding a grip on Bill and trying to avoid on lookers.

“Got everything?” He asked the four of them. Dipper said that they did and the group were just leaving the shop when Puff recognised someone. “Arthur? Arthur Weasley?”

“Gerald!” Arthur greeted, a familiar group of red heads by his side. “Good to see you! How are things?”

“Nuts. And you?”

“Absolutely insane. Kids stole the you-know-what the other day for a daring rescue mission.”

“That’s nothing, I had my kitchen burnt down and there’s some strange plants growing in my garden.”

“What strange plants?”

“I don’t ask.”

“September can’t come fast enough!”

“I know right!” The two laughed, patting each other on the back.

“Well, anyway, best be off. Truth be told we had Harry with us but we’ve lost him.”

“I’ll leave you to it then, we still on for the 5th?”

“Of course. Molly’s asked me to pick up a bottle of port.”

“I look forward to it.”

Puff had the group gather one last time before they got onto the train. He’d checked they had everything at least eight times already before they left the house and at the ninth check at the station did Bill point out that he left his socks behind. Mabes reluctantly handed Ducktective over to Puff so that he could send the socks to the school when he got back.

“Alright now. Let’s go over this one last time. Hide and seek is…?”

“Banned.” They chanted.

“When you see a troll, you…?”

“Go get a teacher.”

“When you see a fire, you…?”

“Put it out.”

“No! You evacuate and tell everyone there’s a fire! Oh my gosh, do they not teach you fire safety at that school?!” Puff sighed. _Just another minute, you can do it._ “Don’t do anything stupid, listen to your teachers and don’t traumatise the other students.”

“But what if-“ Bill was cut off.

“No ‘but what ifs’! I don’t care if the school’s under attack by a monster, you keep your heads down and study like normal children! Understand?”

“Yes.” They chanted. Puff watched as they boarded the train, waving as it left the station.

_Yes,_ he smiled, _now I can drink!_


	11. Chapter 9: Traumatizing People is a Valid form of Entertainment on a Train

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whazzup you guys!!! First time trying to update more than one fanfiction in a day and it doesn't work. I'm sorry but it's too tiring. I feel sleep crawling over me like an evil sloth or something clinging to my back. But whatevs, at least I feel like I had a productive day. Anyway, you guys are super duper awesome and I hope you're all having a fantabulous week xxx

Dipper, Mabes and Bill had managed to find the compartment that Fred, George and their little sister Ginny were sitting in. Mabes left for a few minutes to find Lavender and promptly dragged her back to sit with them. Dipper was amazed at how quick she managed to find her, and half wondered if she had some sort of Lavender-radar or something. A Laven-dar if you will. About halfway through the trip, there was a knock on the compartment door followed by a familiar shaggy-haired brunette looking rather confused.

“Have any of you seen Harry or Ron? I can’t find them anywhere and I’ve been up and down the train twice already.”

“They were with us-“ George started.

“-And then they weren’t.” Fred finished.

“Hm. Maybe we should have kept an eye on them?”

“Nah, Percy’s the eldest, it’s his problem.”

“Well then,” Mabes declared, “suppose we’ll all have to form a search party then. Onwards, to victory!” And so they set off on their quest, through the windy passages of the rattling train, narrowly avoiding death and danger and all of that cool shit at every turn.

It wasn’t until they’d gone up and down the train for the third time that they started to get really suspicious.

“Where the heck are they?” Dipper scratched his head. “It’s like they disappeared or something.” At that Mabes’ eyes widened to three times their size.

“Hey, have you guys ever heard of the Rail Tracer?”

“Mabel, no!”

“Mabel, yes.” Bill cut in. “What’s the Rail Tracer?” The corridor darkened and seemed to glow red as Mabes exhumed a serious yet sinister aura.

“The Rail Tracer is a monster that chases trains under the cover of moonless nights, it merges with the darkness to take on all sorts of forms as one by one each of the passages fall victim to its attack and disappear forever.” The group gulped in unison then glanced out the window to see the sun hadn’t set yet. There was still time.

“H-how do we stop it?” Ginny squeaked.

“You can’t. The train is doomed. However, there is a way to save yourself. You must find someone who hasn’t heard the story and tell it to them. Then the Rail Tracer will pass you by safely.” A beat passed before the group scattered, off to find someone else to become the next victim. Only Mabes and Dipper remained.

“You’re insane, you know that right?”

“… And on a final note, I understand that there was some sort of disturbance on the train this afternoon and I would like to clarify that there is no ‘Rail Tracer’. The school and the train are both perfectly safe, the only thing you need to worry about is whatever’s in the forest.” Bill looked particularly proud of himself that evening. When the old man finished his speech, he struggled not to laugh out loud as he sipped his drink.

“What’s with you?” Draco asked suddenly regretting his decision.

“I told 12 different first years that Rail Tracer story and watched as the chaos unfolded. Humanity is so funny!” He laughed. “It’s a wonder how you guys survived this long.”

“You make it sound like you’re not- Never mind, forget I said anything.”

It was year 2 in Bill’s 3-year revenge plan and Bill watched carefully during the old man’s speech to try and find out where best to fuck with him this year around. He found it curious how he decided to hire the absolute imbecile that was Gilderoy Lockhart, whom Bill had only had the ‘pleasure’ of meeting once before this.

Bill liked humans. He liked how funny they were, the crazy things they got up to, how they turn on each other so easily. Bill especially likes the clever ones. The ones that could probably end all of humanity if they put in the effort. Bill liked most humans, though there were exceptions. Bill had no patience for stupid humans who thought that they were one of the clever ones.

Gilderoy was at least one of the obvious ones, which begged the question: why hire the man? Whatever the reason, Bill knew that the old man needed Gilderoy for some plan he had going on and Bill couldn’t let that happen.

“How long do you think it would take to get a teacher to quit?”

“If it’s you Bill, I’d be surprised to see him for the first lesson.”

Will really liked herbology. He found it all very soothing and plants were a lot easier than people, even if wizard plants have all these little quirks about them. Hannah was next to him giggling as Justin went to go talk to Harry, Ron and Hermione. Ernie was next to him as well though he was looking a bit confused.

“He’s mentioned that before, right? Any of you know what an Eton is?”

“Isn’t it a cake?” Susan chipped in. Justin returned to the group fairly satisfied with himself.

“What was that about?” Ernie asked.

“That, my friend, was making connections.”

“Ah yes,” Hannah sobbed. “Gather round friends and rejoice, for soon Justin will be leaving us for better friends and we will all be better off.”

“Oh shut up!” The conversation was cut short as Professor Sprout started the lesson, explaining all about mandrakes. Will named his one Mona and potted her fairly well despite the constant screaming that had him flinching even after he’d finished.

“You seem happy.” Hannah pointed out as they sat for lunch.

“I l-like the m-mandrakes.” He smiled, “Th-they’re like babies.” Hannah and Susan’s hearts panged, and they struggled not to audibly coo at the bluenet.

“I think you’re the only person in this entire school that actually enjoyed that class, Will.” Justin joked but was quickly punched in the arm by Hannah. “Ow. Why?!”

“You’ve been asking for that all morning.”

“Why, because I’m making new friends, is it? Jealous much?”

“Who needs new friends when you’ve got this gang?”

“Y’know Will’s brother calls us the ‘Hufflepuff Hoes’, right?” Ernie points out.

“Seriously?”

“What’s a h-hoe?”

“Never you mind, Will!” Cedric jumps in covering Will’s ears. “What are you teaching him?!” He suddenly twitched before getting hit by a flying spoon. He doesn’t bother looking to see where it’s from as he already feels the glare coming his way from Mason.

“Where’ve you been?” Hannah asked.

“Had Defence with Lockhart.”

“How was it?” Susan asked at the same time Justin asked, “How was he?” Both resting their heads in their palms.

“Eurgh.”

“Th-that b-b-bad?”

“Let’s just say, I’m glad my OWLs are next year.”

“Dear God man, what happened?” Hannah cried in mock concern but didn’t get much further as Cedric went about banging his head against the table.

“Are y-you alright?”

“Leave him, Will. Sounds like he really needs that concussion.”


	12. Chapter 10: In which High School Musical is the Route of all Evil and Dipper needs to be more Specific when he says 'Something'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey you guys!!!! Took forever to start writing this chapter as I had a major case of writers block but once I finally got started all was right with the world. I apologize to any of the readers that actually like High School Musical but y'know what, you kind of deserve it. Anyhoo, thanks for reading you fabulous penguins and I hope you enjoy! xxx

Mabes was rather pleased with her beetle buttons. Professor McGonagall couldn’t understand how they turned out rainbow-coloured and sparkly and made of plastic to which Mabes responded how she couldn’t understand how they wouldn’t be.

Pulling out the miniature sewing kit from her pocket, she proceeded to replace the buttons on her cloak with her colourful new ones. Realising that the cloak only had one button, she did a few other people’s cloaks that were at the table.

“Do you think the beetles are still conscious?” Dipper asked, hauntedly inspecting his new orange button that was forced onto him. “Are they alive? Where did their organs go?”

“Some days I wish I was a button.” Mabes remarked, stitching her seventh button. “So peaceful…”

“There’s one way to check if it’s alive.” Bill pulls out a knife and reaches towards one of the spare buttons only to be stopped by Mabes.

“Don’t touch my babies!”

“C’mon Shooting Star. Let me just stab one of them.”

“No! Stab your own buttons!”

“Mine got confiscated.” Dipper looked up from his cloak, deeply regretting what he was about to ask.

“I know I shouldn’t ask, but what did you do to the beetles?”

“Well, one minute they were beetles…”

“Yes?”

“Then they were buttons…”

“Yes?”

“Then they started bleeding from their buttonholes.”

“Y’know what?” Dipper sighed. “That’s not as bad as I thought it would be.”

“Yeah, I know. You didn’t even notice it happening during class either. Makes me think I’m not trying hard enough.” Dipper was about to protest but was interrupted by Lavender who had just returned from the dormitories, script in hand.

“Ok, so I’ve thought long and hard about it and I think we should do High School Musical.” Dipper looked up in shock.

“Mabel, no! You didn’t seriously write that one as well?!” Mabes was also looking similarly shocked.

“I didn’t realise I did.” She looked at her hands in horror. “I remember blanking out for a whole afternoon last year, but I didn’t think I would-“ She grabbed Lavender by the shoulders. “You have to burn it!”

“What? But why?”

“Burn it!!!” Bill snatched the script off of Lavender and read the first few lines. He immediately dropped it and clutched his face.

“My eye!!!” Everyone in the hall had gone quiet now, watching the four of them perplexed.

“Dipper! Lighter!”

“I haven’t got one!” Bill pulled his knife back out and started stabbing the script.

“Die! Die! Die!” Amidst the confusion, Mabel came over from the Slytherin table to see what all the faff was about.

“Hey, what’s going on? You guys look like you’re having fun…” Her eyes widened at the title of the script. “Dear God, what have you brought here?!”

“I didn’t mean too!” Mabes cried, grabbing a fork and joining in the stabbing.

“Dammit, you’re not gonna kill it like that, the thing’s a parasite!” She pulled a pack of matches from her pocket and tried to light it on fire, but the paper wouldn’t catch. “Useless pieces of shit!” She threw the matches away. The rest of the hall started murmuring to each other now, getting a bit worried over all the fuss. Even the few teachers that were present (who understandably didn’t want to get involved) started to think that maybe they should do something. Luckily, they didn’t have to as McGonagall entered the hall just in time.

“What the devil is going on here?” Neither of them knew how to explain it, so instead, Dipper opened up to a random page in the script and held it up for her to read. Not ten seconds later did they hear her response. “Incendio.”

The group relaxed and McGonagall went to the staff table without another word. Mabes collected the ashes into an empty goblet and resolved to have them purified in holy water when she got the chance. Only after a few minutes of silence did Lavender speak up.

“So, is this a bad time to mention I saw two other scripts upstairs with the same name?”

Honestly, it was a miracle they made it to their first defence against the dark arts class of the year in time. The crisis was behind them and they vowed never to speak of it again or to let Mabes write any musicals unsupervised.

“We’re not out of the woods yet.” Mabes pointed out to Dipper and Bill as they left the dorm. “In fourteen years nowhere will be safe.”

“Well hopefully we’ll be long gone by then.” Dipper said.

“For once, Pinetree, I agree with you.”

The test they were given in the lesson was bullshit. Mabes was the only one out of the three to score full marks, placing her top of the class along with Hermione. When the two were praised, Dipper could hear Mabes whisper: ‘your hair is so beautifuh~’. He was quite exited to see that the man had brought in some magical creature to their lesson. Dipper didn’t get much of a chance to see them last year so was really excited to see if they were anything like the ones back home.

The cage was uncovered to reveal a flock of ‘Cornish pixies’ as he called them. Dipper thought they looked pretty neat but apparently not a lot of people in the class shared his opinion. Jokes on them though when the pixies were unleashed unto them, causing more havoc than a swarm of hornets.

Dipper managed to hit a few with his book and knocking them out while Mabes tried to catch them in her cloak. Lockhart as well as a bunch of other students legged it when they got the chance and there were only about seven or eight of them left by the end. Bill was laughing as Neville got himself grabbed by the ears. Dipper was getting a headache now from all the high-pitched fluttering and started yelling at Bill.

“Dammit Bill, do something!”

“Pfff, ok! You’re the boss!” He laughed, clapping his hands together and releasing a wave of magic.

The seven of them were each resting in the infirmary with a few of them being treated for trauma. Mabes especially who had retreated into her sweater and rocked back and forth. Dipper glared at Bill.

“What? You told me to do something.”

“I didn’t mean that!”

“What’s the problem? Everything got sorted out, didn’t it?”

“There was blood everywhere! I don’t think any of us needed to know what the inside of a pixie looked like! And now Mabel’s stuck in Sweater Town.” Mabes continued to rock, paying no mind to their conversation and muttered to herself.

“Everything’s fine. There’re no dead fairies in here, only outside. Outside is evil.” Dipper felt most sorry for the other four (the golden trio and Neville) who were still in a state of shock and hadn’t spoken since the incident.

Even Lockhart was there, sitting with a bottle of fire whiskey trying to forget the scene he stumbled onto when he went back to see if they were finished. Bill in particular was most please that he almost got him to pass out when he showed him the tiny pixie heart he picked up in between his fingers. Dipper sighed and rubbed his head.

“We’re so gonna get it from Puff, aren’t we?”


	13. Chapter 11: Mamma Mia, Here we Go Again!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Yellow everybody! How's it hanging?  
> Bill: Like a dead cat!  
> Me (slightly traumatised): ...what?
> 
> Anyway, hope you're all good and enjoying life! May your days be forever filled with glitter and rainbows xxx

As it turns out, they did not get it from Puff. The man received the letter, calmly read it through, hummed in agreement, then proceeded to light the letter on fire and pretend he never saw it.

Of course, the others didn’t know this and were honestly just happy that they weren’t getting another lecture after the teacher’s chewed their ears out for the whole afternoon. Dipper was surprised that he was being punished alongside Bill when he himself hadn’t even done anything. According to witness reports though, he was the one who gave the order and now the two of them were stuck cleaning the classroom before the next lesson.

When they finally finished scrubbing the blood out of the floor (and desks, and curtains, and rugs, etc), they could finally retire for the evening. Dipper not saying a word to Bill no matter how hard he tried to get his attention until the two went their separate ways to their dormitories.

Bill was in a very good mood the next day. A better mood than he’d been all week (and he’d been in a well good mood). He was practically jumping in his seat at breakfast as he sat next to Malfoy, waiting for him to finish. He was starting to get impatient as Malfoy finally finished his bowl of cereal but then started reaching for the toast. Even more so when he finished two slices and went for a third.

“Yeah you take that third slice, see what happens.” He threatened, Malfoy stopped reaching for a moment.

“Calm down, Cipher. Practice doesn’t start ‘til 8. I have enough time to finish my breakfast.”

“Just do what I do and stuff your pockets with pancakes.”

“What? No. Why would hoard food for later when I’ve got plenty of time to eat it now. We still have half an hour.”

“But I wanna go now!”

“What are you so excited for? It’s not even a match, it’s just practice.”

“Of course I’m excited. It’s part of my 5-step plan.”

“Your what?” Bill, eager to finally tell someone his ultimate plan, pulled out a bit of paper from his pocket hidden between a couple of pancakes.

“Ahem,” He began, as you do. “Bill Cipher presents his ultimate plan to get Pinetree to fall in love with him:

Step 1: Have a bunch of people go around telling how great I am.

Step 2: Join the quidditch team.

Step 3: Kill Angelina Johnson.

Step 4-“

“Wait, what?”

“Draco, don’t interrupt. It’s very rude. Anyway, where was I? Oh right:

Step 4: Become so obviously impressive that Pinetree can’t possibly resist.

Step 5: Marry Pinetree.

Bonus step: Ruin Dumbdoor’s career when you get the chance.” He folded away the paper. “Any questions?”

“Did you say you were going to kill someone?”

“Yes.”

When they finally got to the quidditch pitch, Bill was even more excited than before. He’d already convinced the team to let him be a beater and they gave him his bat at the ready for the test run. He decided to name her Stephanie (His broom, Desmond) and had already carved the name onto her when the others weren’t looking.

The Gryffindor team were already at the pitch before they got there and declared their right to the pitch by the age old law of Early Bird. To which Flint rebutted by producing the S-class level item of the Teacher’s Note. They continued to bicker for a bit, Bill noting the sexual tension between the two, and Flint announced Malfoy as their new seeker.

Malfoy sounded pretty pleased with himself until Granger threatened his pride.

“At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in. They got in on pure talent.”

“No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood.”

“Ooh, burn!” Bill said sarcastically but no one seemed to notice and Bill was surprised when shit went down. He leaned over to Bletchley next to him. “Ok, I know I was being sarcastic but what did I just burn?” Bletchley looked confused.

“You’ve never heard the term Mudblood before?” Bill shook his head. “It’s a derogative name for muggle-borns.”

“So, like a wizard swear?”

“Pretty much.”

“Wow, that’s kinda underwhelming, y’know.”

“What do you mean? That’s one of the worst things you can call someone.”

“Well that’s exactly what I mean. With the way they’re reacting you think he called her a cunt or something.”

“The heck’s a cunt?”

“Oh, my man, I’ve got so much to teach you.”

It took Mabes over a month to leave Sweater Town. At which point she devoted herself to her club, announcing that they would be doing Hamilton this Christmas. Everyone was a bit unsure about it all, since it was one of those big production ones that took a lot of prep and practice to pull off. Mabes was determined though and that determination rubbed off on the others until they were all raring to go.

Mabes herself was going to play Eliza, with Lavender as Angelica and the role of Hamilton to Lockhart whom she managed to convince to play the part. He was very enthusiastic about the role after he read the script, believing himself to be the only person capable of the role. She had Zabini on stand-by as his under-study since him being a teacher and all meant that he couldn’t show up to all the practices and they needed a stand-in.

Despite the majority of her spare time being put towards the musical, Mabes still found that she wasn’t busy enough and tried to find extra projects to do. Helping with costumes and set, joining study groups, helping Dipper with the research, etc.

It wasn’t until late-October that she found herself wandering through the castle looking for her next project and bumping into Nearly-Headless Nick along the way.

“Good day to you, kind sir!”

“And to you, my Lady. Though I had a bad start to the day, things are beginning to look up.”

“That’s nice. Something good happen then?”

“Oh yes! You see, I’ve managed to persuade _Harry Potter_ to come to my Deathday Party.”

“It’s your Deathday? Oh my gosh, Nick, why didn’t you say so? I would have got you something.”

“Well it’s not quite yet, but I’m having a party this Halloween and Sir Patrick will be there and Harry’s going to talk me up to him, make him see he was a fool for not letting me into his club. Ah, you’re welcome to join if you’d like. It would make me very happy to see you there.”

“Yes! Of course! That sounds fantastic! Do you need help with anything? Need me to bring something?”

“Ah, actually, I confess that I’ve never had live guests before and I’m not quite sure what they might like.”

“Nicholas, leave it to me! Just you wait, this’ll be the best damn Deathday Party the world has ever seen.”

“Better than Sir Patrick’s?”

“A million times better! Come now, we have a party to plan, one that we can be proud to shove in Patrick’s stupid face.”

Mabes was incredibly proud of the party. She went for purple and silver decorations in a way that said ‘yeah I died, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun.’ But in a classy sort of way. There was music and karaoke, which the ghosts loved since they could all take turns singing their favourite songs from their eras.

She managed to bring Bill and Dipper with her, the three going acapella on some Abba songs. Even the Golden Trio looked like they were enjoying themselves. By the time the Headless Hunt showed up, Nick was in too good a mood to let them bring him down. Sir Patrick himself was surprised how great the party turned out and a little miffed at how everyone else was ignoring him and his gang in favour of watching Dipper’s solo of Dancing Queen.

The three of them left not long after, following a few steps behind the Golden Trio as they started on their way to the hall hoping there was some food left. They weren’t that far along though when the trio in front suddenly stopped, Harry looking around confused. Dipper in the meantime could hear Bill nodding to himself.

“That’s nice.” He remarked, seemingly talking to nobody. The three in front were running now, and the other three followed them, trying to keep up as they ran through the windy passages and up the stairs, eventually reaching an empty corridor with water over the floor.

“Look!” Harry called, pointing at something down the corridor. When the three reached it, they found red letters dripping across the walls spelling out:

THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.

“I-is that b-blood?” Hermione squeaked. Without hesitation, Bill reached up to the wall and wiped a bit on his fingers, sticking in his mouth and pausing a moment to consider while the others stared at him.

“Yep, some kind of bird I reckon.” He starts reaching for more.

“Bill, no!” Dipper slapped his hand away.

“I’m sorry, _this_ is what shocks you? Not the dead cat hanging from its tail?”

“The what now?” Mabes was about ready to return to Sweater Town when she spotted Mrs Norris, clearly in rigor mortis, hanging from the wall. None of them had time to process it though as a crowd began to gather, looking at the six of them in shock, but mostly at Bill who stood closest to the cat, blood on his fingers. Noticing the stares, Bill laughed as he raised his hands in mock surrender.

“Ok, I know this is gonna sound shocking, but for once I didn’t do it.”


	14. Chapter 12: Knobheads and Broomsticks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Wrote a longer chapter than usual, or at least I think it is, maybe it isn't. Ah well, the point is that I wrote it and that's what counts. I also read up on some quidditch rules and while I haven't read all 700 of them, I have a rough idea of what's allowed and what isn't. If anyone knows for a fact that something is against the rules, please let me know and I'll sort it out. Until then, have a spectacular day you bloody brilliant penguins xxx

For the next few hours, rumours around the school spread about how Bill was the heir of Slytherin. I mean, you would think so too if you saw him at the scene of the crime, blood on his hands and laughing like a loon. Of course, that meant that, as his twin, Will was also considered to be co-heir of Slytherin since that’s how genetics work and all that.

“That’s absolutely ridiculous,” Hannah points out while they were hanging out in the common room that Sunday morning. Sitting around the seating area and waiting for Susan and Cedric to wake up before they head to breakfast.

“It’s what everyone’s saying,” Justin said, “I mean, logically it makes sense, not that I believe a word of it.” He reassured Will who was sitting with Hannah across from him.

“See, that’s where you’re wrong. No matter how you look at it, Bill is clearly adopted.”

“Hannah, they’re twins.”

“Doesn’t mean they’re not adopted.”

“They are nearly identical twins, Hannah.”

“Alright, let’s say they are twins,” Ernie adds in.

"They are."

“Maybe while they were in the womb, Bill sucked out all the evil from Will. That way, even if they are related, there’s no way that Will could have any ounce of Slytherin in him.”

“I don’t think that’s scientifically correct,”

“What does science have to do with it?”

“Everything!”

“W-what’s a womb?” Will had hi hand raised, the other three looked at each other slowly before answering very carefully.

“Will, where do babies come from?” Justin asked.

“Mason says th-that if I want a b-b-baby then we j-just have t-t-to call someone.”

“On the phone?”

“Yes.”

“What’s a phone?”

“Not now Ernald, this is more important!” Hannah shushes.

“My name’s not-“

“Do you know where the babies come from before that, Will?”

“S-storks.”

…

“Yes Will, that is exactly where babies come from.”

Bill was all of a sudden very tired of the rumours about him. At first, he thought it would be fun, heir of Slytherin had a nice ring to it. But then it got annoying. Everyone talking about him and looking at him all the time, more so than usual at least. What annoyed him the most was that it was for something he didn’t even do.

Even more than that was the fact that the old man stood up for him in front of the other teachers. Sure, it meant that he didn’t get expelled but dammit his pride had never faced a harsher blow. If Pinetree wasn’t restraining him, then he would have lit the man’s beard on fire for daring to claim that he couldn’t possibly do it.

He could do it! He could nearly murder all the cats in the world if he wanted to! He just didn’t want to is all. ‘Couldn’t possibly do it’, he’ll show them, maybe he will start nearly murdering cats!

At least Malfoy believed him. He could take some pride in that. Bill believes that his exact words were:

“Cipher, you are a lot of things. A nuisance, a murderer, a thief, a pain in my ass, an abomination, a psychopath, a homosexual-“

“Hey! I take offence to that! I’m a sociopath, not a psychopath.”

“My point is Cipher, if this was you, we all know it would have been Angelina Johnson strung up there and not Mrs Norris.”

Bill had never been more proud of the boy. He knew that behind the pompous asshole there was an intelligent human!

Despite this, Bill really was getting sick of the rumours and needed his name cleared before he really did get expelled or something.

“Pinetree!” He found a place next to him during breakfast. Dipper wasn’t ready for the boy to join him. He was having a hard enough time staying awake as it was, his research doubling over the last few days as he low key investigated the attack the other night while still trying to find their way home. He thinks it’s Wednesday but he can’t be sure.

“Bill, can you for once just wait until I’ve had my morning coffee.”

“Didn’t know they served coffee here.”

“They don’t, I bought it from Mason and I’m already down to my last bag so please just let me enjoy my liquid goodness before I run out.”

“But Pinetree, I need your help!” He shook him violently.

“With what? Did you do something? Whatever it is, I don’t want to know.”

“No, I need you to clear my name. I’ve been framed!”

“You haven’t been framed, Bill, you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time with blood on your hands. You set yourself up if anything.”

“Come on Pinetree. Y’know you want to.”

“…I’m busy.” He said hesitantly.

“But it’s a mystery, Pinetree. Don’t you want to solve a mystery? Take a break from all this research stuff and I’m sure you’d crack it in a couple of weeks.”

“Couple of weeks?! I could solve this mystery in a day!”

“Wanna bet?”

“What are we betting?” Mabes had joined them at the table, half sewn costume in hand. “When Dipper will lose his virginity? My bet’s on in his 30!”

“We’re not betting on that, Mabel!” Dipper scorned at the same time Bill said: “20 bucks says it’s before then.”

“You’re on!”

“We are not betting on my virginity!” Dipper yelled, a little too loud as everyone was now looking at them. He ducked his head and everyone went back to their own conversations. “We were on about solving this mystery.”

“Pinetree thinks he can do it in a day.”

“Well it’s not gonna be today, we’ve got classes.”

“How about a week then. If you win, I’ll magic you up the best damn coffee you’ve ever had whenever you want.”

“And if you win?” Bill scratched his chin a moment in thought, Dipper began to worry what he was going to ask.

“A date.”

“What? A date? You mean like you and me?”

“Yeah. This summer, you, me, dinner, a movie. It’ll be fucking romantic.”

“I don’t know…” Bill conjured up a tiny mug with an equally small amount of coffee inside.

“Maybe this’ll help convince you.” He handed Dipper the coffee. He took an experimental sniff of the liquid, deeming it to be coffee, and hesitantly had a small sip. The sip, turned into a gulp as he drank the heavenly beverage down instantly. His eyes tearing up at its taste.

“… I’m in.” He sniffed, knowing he could die happy right there and then.

Mason was enjoying his nap right now. He was outside enjoying the unusual November sun, lying on a bench, his head on Will lap who sat there day dreaming happily. He shivered earlier on in his nap and since then, Will has been unconsciously keeping the two of them warm with his magic.

They had found this spot where not a lot of people passed by, especially at this time of year so he didn’t expect to be disturbed. He should have known to lower his expectations though as a small cough interrupted his dream. He opened one eye to see some girl from Gryffindor waiting for either of them to acknowledge her.

“Can I help you?” He asked her, slightly annoyed at having been woken.

“Um, yes. I mean, I know we haven’t really introduced ourselves properly but I hear you can get things that would normally be hard to get.” Mason sat up, looking at the girl again, thinking she looked familiar.

“Grant? No… Green?”

“Granger.” Hermione looked rather offended. “Hermione Granger, we’re both top in our classes.”

“If you say so.” Hermione breathed in deeply, trying not to get frustrated. “What do you need?” She eyed Will nervously.

“Can we talk in private?”

“It’s fine. William’s my… _assistant_ , he won’t tell anyone.” She reluctantly handed over a note. Mason noted the ingredients written on it.

“Polyjuice potion?”

“How do you-“

“I know someone who’s got full access to the restricted section. It’s amazing what a few bags of coffee will get you. I’m guessing you’re wanting to get some information out of someone. Who?” She eyed Will again and Mason nodded in realisation.

“Ah, the other Cipher. You’ll be wanting the Pines twins’ hair then?”

“Ah, well, yes but-“

“I can get you the ingredients you need. If you want me to get you the hair though, it’ll cost you extra.”

“I’ve got 20 galleons.”

“That’ll cover the basic ingredients. For the hair, bring me any information you get from your investigations.”

“What do you care?”

“I hear they’ll be targeting muggle-borns,” Him and Will exchanged a look, “Not really sure where that puts us.”

“Do you not know?” Hermione asked.

“Not a clue. Do we have a deal?”

“Alright Bill,” Flint began, “Anything to declare?”

“Nope.” Bill smiled innocently.

“Spread ‘em.” Bill assumed the position and was patted down by Flint who pulled out a couple of knives, his wand, some fireworks, some potions and a jar of spiders.

“Why is your wand made out of stone?”

“Everything else exploded!”

“Ok… I’m confiscating the knives but the rest are allowed.”

“Yes!”

“Do you remember the rules?”

“Yep!”

“Grabbing the broom is…?”

“Bad.”

“Contact is…?”

“Not allowed.”

“Your bat is for…?”

“Breaking faces.”

“Knees, Bill. We’ve talked about this.”

“I’m sure I don’t remember seeing anywhere in the rules about not being able to hit them in the face.”

“Look, Bill, I’m letting you keep the jar of spiders, the fireworks and whatever you’ve got in those potions, just trust me on this one.”

“Fine.”

The match began. Wood was cursing as Slytherin got ahead by 60 points. His own team was in chaos. Alicia hanging on despite her broken leg, Katie covered in spiders and currently screaming and Angelina throwing her coat to the ground as a potion tried to burn its way through it.

Angelina had nearly managed to score for them when a Bludger damn near took her off her broom. She was shivering up there without her coat, her face scorched from a firework. She was fucking pleased when Wood called for time out. She landed next to them, going to help Katie get the last of the spiders. Alicia, Fred and George arguing with Wood about some rogue Bludger going after Harry.

“You guys alright?” Wood asked awkwardly, finally acknowledging his chasers, Alicia was forced to go to the infirmary leaving just the two of them left.

“Just peachy.” She grabbed her flask of Mabel juice that was made for her that morning and downed it, trying not to choke on a plastic dinosaur. “You doing good, Katie?”

“I’m gonna murder that kid!”

“Pretty swell then. No worries Wood, we’ve got this.”

“Angelina, your eyes are bleeding black!” Fred gaped.

“Pfff, they’re fine. Right, Wood?”

“Yep. No problems here.”

“Let’s go shoot some hoops then!”


	15. Chapter 13: At This Point, You Can't Convince me That Angelina isn't Descended from the Black Knight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whazzup you guys! How's it hanging? Summer's nearly over and it's finally cool enough for me to sleep in my duvet. Gonna be starting college again soon but don't worry about updates and all. I'll get the chapters writ and die trying! (Yeah, you heard me!)  
> Hope you guys enjoy the chapter and bless all you lot that have seen Monty Python's Holy Grail. You're the best of all of us xxx

“Honestly, Minerva, I’ve never seen it so bad.”

“Could have been worse, Poppy. The point is, we won.”

“Wood’s got major head trauma.”

“He’s fine.”

“Potter’s missing all the bones in his arm.”

“They’ll grow back.”

“Angelina’s lost a leg!”

“This?” Angelina chirped, hearing her name. “It’s just a flesh wound.”

Poppy sighed as she looked over the battered Gryffindor team who, despite their numerous injuries, had the nerve to look pretty damn proud of themselves.

“Suppose I better get to it then.” She turned to Angelina. “Do you have the severed limb?”

“…no? Do we need it?” Angelina asked anxiously while Poppy looked appalled.

“Yes! Did no one think to collect it?!”

“It was gone before we could get to it, Poppy.” Minerva explained.

“Gone?! Who in their right mind would take a severed leg?!”

“Can’t you regrow it?”

“This is flesh we’re talking about, not bones! Why do you think Alastor goes around with a prosthetic leg and glass eye? I can assure you it’s not a fashion choice.” Angelina was wide-eyed at this point. Poppy offered her a look of pity before sighing. “I suppose I’ll send word for a leg to be made for her.”

Madam Pomfrey left to do so, while McGonagall looked over the students in the infirmary. Not two minutes later did the Pines twins, Brown and Cipher come parading through the doors, Lavender and Dipper looking worried and offering their sympathies while Mabes raved about how amazing the game was. Dipper dragging along a reluctant Bill by his sleeve.

Angelina wasn’t particularly happy to see Bill but had to admit that that was probably the most exciting game she’s ever had. There was something about being burnt by fireworks, bleeding through your eyes, losing a leg and nearly being covered in acid that gave you a whole new outlook on life.

“Whazzup.” She waved to the four of them, feeling pretty alright. She began to wonder if she was in shock or if the potion that Pomfrey gave her for the pain really was ‘the good stuff’.

“Oh my gosh, are you alright, Angelina?”

“We were so worried, are you ok? Is your leg gonna be alright?”

“You were so freaking awesome out there!!!”

“Tch.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright. And hello to you too, you yellow bastard.”

“Fuck you, Johnson- Ow! Pinetree, why?!”

“You know why!”

“It was only a game; she knew what she was getting into.”

“Now, Bill.” Bill pouted at the glare he received from Pinetree. Seeing him that angry nearly made the attempted murder of the female not worth it. Nearly. He took a deep breath.

“So, I may have went a teensy bit too far.”

“Teensy bit-“

“Not now, Johnson, I am trying to apologise.” Honestly, the girl should be grateful, he was _actually_ apologising for something. Not that he meant a word of it, he just needed to make Pinetree think he meant it. “I’m sorry for removing one of your delicate human limbs.”

Dipper coughed and Bill looked at him trying to figure out what else he wanted from him. Pinetree gestured his head towards Angelina and Bill got his meaning but was not happy about it.

“But, Pinetree-“

“No buts!”

“I won it fair and square!”

“You’re not keeping it!”

“I was gonna make it into a lamp!”

“We are not having this conversation again, Bill.”

“…fine.” He pouted, opening up his bag and started pulling out Angelina’s severed leg. He was surprised to hear Johnson stop him though as she spotted the grimy looking thing that already had a few flies around the fleshy bit.

“Y’know what, Cipher. I think I’d rather have the robot leg.”

By Monday, word had spread about Colin’s petrification. Bill sulked under the stares of the other students as he entered the Great Hall but began to liven up as he spotted Pinetree hunched over some book looking like he was about to start pounding his head against it.

“Happy Monday, Pinetree!”

“Fuck off, Bill.” He muttered; his head finally planted into the book at the sound of Bill’s voice.

“Only two more days!”

“I know!”

“Gooooooooood Morning!!!!” Mabes joined at the table, feeling spritely despite the massive bags under her eyes that indicated she had spent all night working on costumes again.

“You two are way too happy. Colin got attacked, y’know.”

“Who’s Colin?” Bill asked.

“Remember that first year that took our picture during the first week?”

“Oh yeah. Cute kid, bless him.”

“What did he want a picture of you two for?”

“Said he’d never seen a gay couple before.”

“That’s what he wanted?!” Dipper blushed and Bill relished it. Mabes was nearly in tears laughing and only calmed down after about five minutes.

“Oh, before I forget.” She rummaged through her bad and pulled out two identical keychains with a mini voodoo doll at the end covered in runes. “These are for you two.”

“What are these?” Dipper asked.

“Macy’s selling them. Says they’re for protection.”

“Macy?”

“Other Dip Dop.”

“Don’t let him hear you call him that, he’ll set your room on fire. Besides, I don’t know why you bothered Mabel; they’re almost definitely fakes.”

“Not fakes, just worthless,” Bill claimed, “Though the craftsmanship isn’t bad.” He bit into his one and swallowed one of the arms. “Haha, the runes taste like dark magic and crayons, definitely Will’s handywork.” Mabes snatched them keychains back.

“Well, if you two don’t want them. Don’t blame me when you’re stuck like something from Grunkle Stan’s wax museum.” Bill whined like a sad puppy when she took his, so she handed it back to him to which he perked up again and proceeded to finish eating it.

“How’s the investigating going anyway?” Bill asked.

“Amazing!” Mabes cheered.

“Not amazing. We’ve looked over the crime scene several times and we still can’t find any clues. Didn’t help that those idiots wiped the scene clean before we could look it over properly. Honestly, it’s like they’ve never even heard of fingerprints.”

“So, no leads?”

“No, Bill. I haven’t got any leads. I’ve looked all through the library for any spell that could do it but everything’s way too high level for any of the students. So, either it’s a teacher or it’s a thousand-year-old magic snake that’s been living in the castle this whole time.”

“Seems legit.”

“A thousand-year-old magic snake, Dipper? Don’t be so silly.”

“I was joking, Mabel.”

“You can always just give up now if you want.” Bill smirked. Dipper felt a blush start to crawl up on him again and quickly gathered his books, racing off to the library for another bout of research before lessons start.

Since Lockhart was in charge of the duelling club (sort of, kind of, not really, but still), he and Mabes set it up so that the theatre club could perform Ten Duel Commandments at the start of it to both introduce the concept of duelling and to try and sell a few more tickets. Dipper hated to admit it, but Lockhart really did make an alright Hamilton (though he wasn’t quite able to pull off the accent).

After the song, he went into explaining the rules and what spells they might try and use.

“Can anyone tell me the best way to disarm an opponent?”

“AIM FOR THE GROIN!” Dipper blinked as all of a sudden Bill was in front of Lockhart, the man curled up in the floor and clutching his nuts.

Severus was happy. Very happy. He didn’t think it was possible for him to be more proud of a student.

“100 points to Slytherin.” He muttered under his breath.

At the same time, Minerva was passing by the hall and happened to spot what was probably (scratch that, definitely) the highlight of her year.

“Yes, 100 points to Slytherin.”

Later that evening, the two were called into Dumbledore’s office.

“200 points?”

“Yes, sir.” They both answered.

“For what?” They both looked at each other. McGonagall started.

“A great service to the school.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

“And what service was this?” The two shared another look.

“Ah, you had to be there, Albus.”

“It’s everything really, I do believe that the Slytherins have really outdone themselves this year around.” Albus gave her a funny look. But if Minerva ‘Competitive’ McGonagall was saying that, then it must have been something good.

“Very well then,” The two nearly sighed in relief but held it in as the headmaster went on. “On an unrelated note, I hear Bill Cipher assaulted Gilderoy today.”

“Yes, unrelated.”

“Nasty business that.”

“Appalling.”

“Disgraceful.”

“I’m ashamed to have him in my house.”

“Yes, well, I hope he has received a suitable punishment.”

“No worries there, Sir,” Snape assured, “He’s received a punishment fitting of the crime.”

“Well, Bill. It seems you’ll be spending your evening helping me answer my fan letters.” Bill hadn’t stopped internally screaming since he heard he was getting detention. The year’s supply of sweets was not worth this much! If it weren’t for the amount of chaos he already unleashed on the two teachers, he would definitely return this travesty three-fold!

Bill kept silent the entire time. When Lockhart finally did coax him into talking, he immediately regretted it. Bill didn’t really form any words per say, but rather just sort of screamed bloody murder at him. It was quite terrifying.

Lockhart taught him the basics of what he had to do and looked over the first one he did before telling him to copy that one to all the other ones while he went to go ‘mark papers’ in his office. Bill stopped as soon as he left him alone. His internal screaming gone quiet and allowing him to think.

A few moments passed before Bill picked up the quill again. A wide, crooked smile across his face and the sound of laughter now filling his head.

If this didn’t work, he’ll burn the school to the ground.


	16. Chapter 14: Why Wizards have Agreed to Allow Muggle Fire Extinguishers in their Schools

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! How's it going. This is my longest chapter yet and while it starts off with one of these deep scenes, we quickly forget about that and focus a bit more on Hamilton and stuff. Hope you enjoy xxx

“Ernald, you’re being ridiculous,” Hannah was currently trying to rid herself of a headache that was forming from listening to another one of Ernie’s conspiracy theories. “There is absolutely no way that Harry Potter is the heir of Slytherin. Besides, didn’t we all agree it was Bill.”

“But don’t you see, Bill’s the red herring. It would be way too obvious if it was him. Plus, you heard him, he was speaking Parseltongue.” He had her there. Hannah knew that not many people were Parselmouths and those that were were highly likely to be the heir of Slytherin.

Will was a bit confused; he didn’t quite understand this new term and had no idea what they were talking about. They were all acting a bit panicked after the duelling club yesterday but other than the snake nearly attacking Justin (and Lockhart getting nearly castrated), not much else happened. He leaned over to whisper to Susan.

“W-what’s a P-p-parselmouth?”

“Someone who can talk to snakes.”

“Oh. I-is that b-bad? Harry was only t-t-telling the snake n-not to hurt Justin.” Will felt like he’d said something wrong when all the members of the table gaped at him. “W-what?”

“You can talk to snakes?”

“Y-yes,” He still didn’t understand. “and other animals.”

“So, not just snakes?”

“D-dolphins are f-fascinating.” He smiled, “C-can’t others… Oh, s-sorry. Mason d-d-did mention b-before… I forgot.” He blushed slightly in embarrassment, having forgot the one time he asked why Mistress hadn’t done anything to the birds that were badmouthing her after she placed a curse on some girls that did the same. Hannah managed to pull the tension off of him though as she scolded Ernie.

“I can’t believe you, Ernald!”

“What?”

“What you said about Parselmouths. That’s just downright racist!”

“Hannah, please keep it down. We’re in a library.”

“Just because someone’s a Parselmouth does not mean that they are automatically evil. Honestly, I expected better from you.”

“Alright, I’m sorry, I’ll drop it!” Silence fell on the group and Will was amazed that Madam Pince hadn’t chucked them out yet. They were about to go back to studying when Harry approached the table, looking a bit unsure as to whether or not he was welcome there.

“Hello, I’m looking for Justin Finch-Fletchley.”

“What do you want with him?” Ernie said, feeling both nervous and a little smug. Not for long though as he’s promptly hit over the head with a book courtesy of Hannah Abbott.

“Don’t be an arse, Ernald.”

“That’s not even my name!”

“I just wanted to apologize sort of. Y’know, try and explain what happened.”

“Justin’s gone back to the dorm because he’s being stupid. We’ll talk to him later.” She said reassuringly and Harry really appreciated it as he left the group.

Will was not ready to see one of his new friends hurt. Ernie’s fists were clenched, Susan crying in Hannah’s arms, Hannah went blank. Will stood next to Cedric, tears trailing down his cheek. Cedric held his hand and Will appreciated the offer, but he really wanted Mason more than anything right now.

He didn’t know what to do. Madam Pomfrey had told them that he’d be alright but looking at him right now, his body as cold as a corpse and his eyes glassy when they’d only seen him an hour ago…

_He’s going to be alright. Everything’s going to be fine. He’s not hurt. He’s not dead. Everything’s ok. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead._

“Right,” Hannah was first to recover. She took a deep breath and addressed the group. “No use moping about. You heard her. He’ll be right as rain in time for exams. Let’s all go get some lunch or something.” And so, they did. Will and Susan wiping away their tears and the group went to the kitchens rather than the hall to ask for something extravagantly sweet to eat in the dorm. Nothing like something sweet to forget the bitterness of life.

The next day, Dipper was in a foul mood. The books in front of him were absolutely worthless. There had been three attacks now and still no evidence to work off. When he tried to dust the place where Justin was found for fingerprints, he was caught by Filch and made to clean up the hall, wasting even more time and removing any evidence that might have been left. So, no. He was not happy when he heard Bill’s smug, sadistic chirping that evening just before food.

“So… Did you get it? Did you solve the mystery?”

“No, ok?! You win, Bill. This whole magic system is absolute bullshit! I hate it and I hope whoever’s doing this burns in hell!”

“Shhh. We’re in a library.” Dipper glared at him. “Besides, is going on a date with me all that bad?”

“With you? It’ll probably be nightmarish.”

“What can go wrong with dinner and a movie?”

“Dammit, you’re just trying to jinx yourself, aren’t you?”

“Argh, he’s seen through my master plan!” Dipper wanted nothing more than to start smashing his head into the table repeatedly (Bill’s or his? Eh, why not both.) but was suddenly prevented as his head was caught in between Mabes’ hands who had just spent the last half an hour trying to find them.

“Oh magic 8 ball, tell me your secrets!” Mabes said, then proceeding to shake about Dipper’s head until he was sure that his brain had dislodged itself.

“Something got you down there, Shooting Star?” Mabes stopped shaking Dipper’s head but still held it firmly.

“I’ve got almost everything sorted for the play, but I feel like it needs more, y’know?”

“No. Carry on.”

“So, I’ve already got fireworks to go off at the end of York Town, a turntable stage (which, let me tell you, was not easy to set up), goody bags for the end and Gilderoy Lockhart as freaking Hamilton. But I feel like I’m missing something. There’s this really powerful scene with Burn where I gotta light some letters on fire and I just think that there needs to be more pizazz, you get me?” She starts aggressively shaking Dipper’s head again. “TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!!!”

“Mabel, stop! That’s not how they work!”

“TELL ME!!!”

“Here’s an idea,” Bill begins and Mabes stops shaking the head again. Now, it’s important to understand that at this point, Dipper is now suffering from minor head trauma and can barely focus on which way is up let alone what Bill was convincing his sister to do. “More fire!”

“Interesting. Counter-proposal: Freaking Bonfire!!!”

“Ok, ok. Counter-counter-proposal: Cursed fire.”

“Ooooh.”

Gilderoy had been called to the staff room. It was the day before holidays started and he had a performance that night so for the life of him he couldn’t think what was so important. He entered the room with his usual smile (Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile 5 years running) but was met only with dread. A heavy atmosphere hung over the room and Lockhart nearly Gulped when McGonagall stood up and approached him.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I expected more out of you, Gilderoy.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“There are plenty of things that we, as teachers, can get away with when it comes to the children. Filch himself is always going on about the things he does to discipline them. But _this_ , this… I can’t even say it. It makes me sick to my stomach.”

“Minerva, I think there’s some kind of mistake-“

“Don’t try to talk your way out of it, the evidence is damning and Albus has already seen to it that you are to leave immediately.”

“I’m fired? But I don’t even know- Let me speak with the headmaster, this is all just a misunderstanding.”

“Albus can’t even bear to look at you right now. And neither can I for that matter. Honestly, what were you thinking?”

“I-“

“I don’t even want to know! Your things are already packed, take them and leave. Now!” Sprout came over and handed him his suitcase, spitting on him as she does so. Lockhart, thoroughly confused, decided to take their advice and leave before they decided to castrate him or something. A letter for his agent already in the works in his head.

“What do you mean he’s gone?!”

“It’s been all over the papers, Mabes.” Lavender tried to calm her down but found no such relief as Mabes continued to try and tear her own hair out.

“Curtain call’s in 5 minutes and our lead is gone! What are we gonna do!”

“We’ve still got Zabini, I’m sure it’ll work out just fine.”

“Zabini… Yes! Mr Zabini, quick, costume and make up, on the double. You’re on in five!”

Zabini stood shaking in his knees, ready for his queue to go on stage. The first number was playing, he had less than a minute before he was on and he was going to be sick. A good hundred or so students in the audience (No teachers, they were busy) he observed. The lights they’d put in place were hot and intimidating but at least they helped you forget about maybe half of the audience. His heart was pounding, he took a deep breath, and turned to leg it.

“Zabini!” Mabes had stopped him.

“I-I can’t do this, ma’am. There’s no way I can go out there.”

“Blaise,” She grabbed his cheeks and smooshed his face together. “Look at me. I want you to repeat after me: You are not afraid.”

“I am not afraid.”

“You are the best damn actor, singer, dancer that Mabel has got.”

“I am the best damn actor, singer, dancer that Mabel has got.”

“You. Are. Fabulous!”

“I am fabulous?”

“Say it like you mean it!”

“I AM FABULOUS!”

“That’s the spirit! Now get out there and show them just how fabulous you are!”

“Alright, Mabes. Now, before you go up… are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Angelina asked cautiously, holding a lantern filled with cursed fire (standing precariously on a temporary peg leg).

“Yes.”

“Absolutely certain?”

“Hundred percent. Let’s do this!”

“I'm burning the memories

Burning the letters that might have redeemed you

You forfeit all rights to my heart

You forfeit the place in our bed

You'll sleep in your office instead

With only the memories of when you were mine

I hope that you… oh fuck!” _Why is the fire getting worse? What the hell? Water! Where’s that bucket of water?! There it is! Problem solved. Nothing to see here folks… Why is the water on fire?_

And so, began the Great Fire of Hogwarts. The first (and only) major fire in its entire history. Warned about it ahead of time due to some satanic fortune telling, Mabel, Mason and Will are currently outside the school’s entrance, watching the festivities. Will would like to add for the record that he had no idea what was going on and at first thought they came out for some stargazing.

Mabel is currently using the fire as an opportunity to chose which members of her harem are clearly superior, while Mason is ready with a fire extinguisher which he plans on using to beat Diggory to death with if he survives the fire. The three watch as the window to the library smashes open, Madam Pince jumping through it and performing a spectacular tactical landing.

“Accio books!” She calls, satisfied to see them forming nice tidy piles beside her before she suddenly remembered what she forgot. “Accio students!” The students that were in the library came smashing through the windows and landing with considerably less grace.

Elsewhere, a group of Gryffindor students were escaping from the dormitories, running down the stairs, pushing and shoving as the fire quickly spread throughout. Then, all of a sudden, the staircase before them moved. Several of them made a jump for it before it could get too far away, but others weren’t so lucky and found themselves trapped somewhere around the 5th floor.

“Well now,” Dumbledore began, everything seemed to be in order, and no one looked irreparably hurt. So, all in all, “I must say this was probably pretty darn successful for our first ever fire drill.”

“Is it a drill if the fire is real?” One of the students called out.

“Mm, I should think so. And yes, perhaps the moving staircases were a little bit of a fire hazard, and maybe we didn’t have to fill all the walls with flammable portraits. But the point to take from all this is that, in the end, we all survived.”

“Did anyone get the guys in the infirmary?” Albus glanced at Poppy who shook her head sheepishly.

“We _nearly_ all survived.”


	17. Chapter 15: In Which the Author Completely Missed the Opportunity to Write Bill on Drugs (Maybe Next Time)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blah! How goes it? So as it turns out, not a lot ever happens after Christmas at Hogwarts so I might end up finishing this book soon-ish. God knows what'll happen next. Well, I know, mostly. I'll figure it out as it goes along. Anyway, hope you enjoy and have yourselves a fantabulous day xxx

Before we begin, I would like to start by saying that all of the petrified students made it out of the fire just fine. In fact, by some miracle, not a single part of the infirmary was even slightly scorched. It was almost as if there was some divine, or demonic, protection on the entire room. One might even call it a Will-ex-machina. But I digress...

As it turns out, the ministry has no set department for education or anything like that. So, when the request came in that Hogwarts was in need of a new teacher, the letter was passed around a lot between the departments until it found someone who knew what they were doing. Eventually, it fell to one Clarissa Stonefang of the Improper Use of Magic Office who found it was the perfect excuse to get out of the ever-growing pile of papers on her desk.

“There’s another one for you here, ma’am.”

“Not now, Mr Porple! Can’t you see there are more pressing matters at hand.” She waved the letter in front of him fast enough that he couldn’t read a word of what was writ.

She spent most of her morning going through the list of employees that were either qualified or at least close enough. Unfortunately, rumours spread about some shit going down at Hogwarts this year and so it wouldn’t do to send anyone of importance. She then went through the list again, circling anyone that was expendable.

By the end of the morning she, Porple, McGreggor and Creed had gathered in front of a blackboard with all the candidates written in order to narrow down the options.

“No, no, no,” McGreggor began, “You can’t send Dolores.”

“Why not? Nobody likes her, what does she do around here anyway?” Porple asked.

“She… Alright, you’ve got me there, but she still owes me several galleons from poker night, and I’ll be damned if she dies before I can get them!”

“Then how about Terrence in accounting?”

“Jumped out a window last week.” Creed pointed out.

“Damn. Why’s he still in the database then?”

“You try going through all that paperwork every time someone dies.”

“Right,” Clarissa tapped the chalk against her hand. “Anyone else on here who isn’t with the living?”

“Edgar retired.” She crossed out Edgar.

“Marshall got a case of the explosions.” She crossed out Marshall.

“What about Tabitha?” She asked, “I seem to remember hearing her having a heart attack or something.”

“Got eaten by her cats.”

“Or something it is.”

They continued like this for a bit, crossing out all the ones who died, retired, or owed them money until there was only one name left on the list.

“We sure about this?” Porple asked.

“There’s no mistake,” Said Clarissa, “The process never fails,”

“Poor sod.”

“Well, what can you do?” The board was wiped clean and the person in question was sent for. Not a second later did Gerald Puff, who was basically standing in his designated corner outside the office waiting for a job, came in to see what all the fuss was about.

Christmas had come around once again and once again the gang were vehemently told to stay in Hogwarts over the holidays. They were told this months ago and since then haven’t heard a word from Puff and were beginning to wonder if the teachers ever told him about the fire (The theatre club will be receiving their punishment after the holidays of helping Filch repair each and every burnt down painting).

Harry, Hermione and Ron were sitting together at the Gryffindor table as far away from the others as they could get to discuss their plan. Hermione pulled out the sleeping draught cupcakes that she made and while the other two were sceptical, they believed it was worth a try.

Dipper and Mabes were on their way back to the dorm after breakfast to get their secret Santa presents when they spotted said cupcakes at the end of the banister. Mabes gasped as she ran to grab one.

“Mabel, no!” Dipper pulled on the back of her sweater, stopping her in her tracks.

“But Dipper, free food!”

“Don’t you think it’s weird how there’s just some random cupcakes where we just happen to be passing by?”

“No. It’s magic, fucking wizard magic, why are you even questioning it?”

“Mabel, just leave the cakes.”

The next day, a new plan was devised in which Dipper was given a book by Hermione and it was agreed that Ron would distract Mabes with a magic laser pointer. The book that Dipper was given was one Hermione found when shopping for school supplies in her first year. From what she gathered, the book seemed to go more into the occult than any actual magic but because of this, shew knew that there wouldn’t be a copy of it in the library for Dipper to have already read.

She promptly gave it to him, he thanked her and headed off towards the library since he had nothing better to do anyway. Ron hid in the common room where Mabes was currently sitting with Fred and George, just finishing a game of cards against humanity (brought to this dimension by Bill).

When they were starting to pack it up, Mabes noticed a little green dot pass over the table. Her eyes followed as it stopped on the floor. Without a moment’s hesitation, she pounced on it. She lifted her hands slowly, it was gone! No, wait, there it is! She pounced and repeated the same actions over and over again.

“You alright there, Mabes?” George asked.

“I must have the precious!”

Bill was currently enjoying his lunch on top of the Ravenclaw table which was mostly empty except for his plate of food. He was in high spirits, his Boxing day was spent boxing with the ghost of the Fat Friar while the rest of the ghosts cheered on and he was still giddy from whatever wizard drugs were given to him yesterday from Mason (He doesn’t know what it was but damn was that some trip).

Harry and Hermione (currently in disguise as Dipper and Mabes) approached the table with stiff casualness. Bill grinned when they joined him, Hermione joining him on the table with a look from Harry because that’s what Mabes would do.

“Hey you guys!” Bill cheered.

“Hey!” Harry said awkwardly and Hermione smiled, worried that she wouldn’t be able to pull off Mabes’ usual speech.

“Great party yesterday, can’t remember most of it but it sure did feel pretty damn good.”

“Yep, it was good. Lots of fun.”

“You should have tried the stuff I got, made everything feel pretty dapper.”

“Um, maybe next time?” Bill finished off his sandwich and turned to Hermione.

“What’s up with you?”

“Nothing! Why?”

“You seem different.” Hermione and Harry shared a horrified look.

“Nope, nothing different. Glitter! Sparkles! Unicorns!”

“Unicorns, eh? Those assholes giving you trouble?”

“Um,” She looked to Harry for advice who nodded vigorously. “Yes?”

“No worries there, just say the word and I’ll take care of it.”

“Oh, no, that’s alright, I’m sure they’re good people deep down.” Hermione said flustered, then panicked a bit when Bill gave her a suspicious look. “…Ducks?” Bill nodded. Harry decided to take this opportunity to begin questioning Bill.

“So, what’s your thoughts on the attacks and all?”

“I thought you were the one investigating it?”

“I am, just want to know what you think about it all.”

“Ah, come for my sage advice, have you? Very well, it all began with the dawn of time. In the beginning, there was nothing and the lord said: ‘Let there be triangles!’ And so, there were. Triangles with swanky hats-“

“No, I don’t mean all as in everything. I mean, just the attacks.”

“Oh, well fine, we’ll save my epic origin story for another time. What do you want to know?”

“Any chance you’re the one behind it?”

“I am shocked! That you would even dare suspect me, you were there when the first attack happened!”

“Well, yeah, but where were you right before it happened?”

“At the party!”

“Oh yeah.” Harry had forgotten seeing him dancing along with Mabes while Dipper had his solo. “Alright, but you must have some idea as to who’s behind it all?”

“Axolotl, if I knew that, I wouldn’t have been hiring detectives now, would I?”

“Any clues? Any at all?” Harry was starting to feel like this entire month was a waste of time.

“Nah. Oh, wait! Malfoy told me about something the other day. Something about the last time it was opened and somebody dying, somebody else going to wizard Alcatraz. Stuff like that. I’d talk to him if you want to know more.”

They were about to question him again when the real Dipper came waltzing into the hall, making a bee line to Bill, not even acknowledging the other two as he slammed the book he was carrying to the table and opening it up to a page.

“I did it! I fucking did it! This solves all the problems I’ve been having with inter-dimensional travel and in general finding the right dimension in the first place. God bless Harold ‘Evil is mah middle name’ Tungsten and the Institute of Slightly Mischievous World Enders.”

“Now that’s a club I can get behind.” Bill said, grabbing the book and looking quickly through the spell before going to the front page to see if he can find out where this club is based. When he does this, Dipper finally looks up and sees another him and an awkward looking Mabes sitting at the table. None of them say anything as Harry and Hermione creep away, maintaining eye contact until they were far enough away from the table to make a break for it.

“The fuck was that?!”

“Trippy, right?”

It was the day before everyone came back from holidays. All three sets of twins were called to the staff room that morning for some reason that neither of them could figure out.

“Is it the fire?” Mabes asked.

“No, they’ve sorted all that out already.” Dipper pointed out as they made their way over.

“Is it the Christmas party? Did they find out it was us that TP’d Snape’s office?”

“No,” Mabel answered this time. “I already planted the evidence on the Golden Trio. Perhaps, dear brother, they found out about your not-so-secret black market?”

“If that were the case, then what are the rest of you doing here?”

In the end, they reached the office without having found out what it could have been about. Dipper knocked on the door and the group entered. There wasn’t any staff in there. In fact, there was only one person in there and it was the last person they expected to see. Gerald Puff turned to face the group, anger very clearly on his face.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” He screeched and the six of them all looked at each other until Mason spoke up.

“You’ll have to be more specific.”

“Don’t play games with me. There I was, minding my own business when all of a sudden: ‘Hey, Gerald. Don’t suppose you can go teach at the murder school, one of their teachers got fired and we need to send someone expendable!’”

“You’ve seen the papers, how is any of that our fault.” Dipper pointed out.

“Yeah, like I believe a word of it. I don’t know why I even need to ask; I know exactly which of you is behind it, Bill!”

“How dare you!” Bill was appalled. “That you would dare to even suspect me. Where’s the trust? Where’s the love? You-“ A dramatic deep breath in, “-have no proof.”

“Cut the bullshit. I know it was you even if I can’t prove it. Thanks to you I’m now stuck with you lot for the rest of the year.”

“Is that so bad?” Mabel asks.

“Yes! Yes, it is! You guys just don’t understand how much of a nightmare you are.”

“Rest assured, Puff, we will treat you as well as we do all the other teachers.”

“Yeah, that’s not reassuring!” Puff exclaimed, “Look, just promise that whatever you’re up to, you keep it under wraps. I don’t want to know, ok?”

“Fine.”

And Puff genuinely believed for a second that they were sincere. Then he remembered who they were and started forming his letter of resignation in his head. _Damnit, when I get back to the ministry, I’m poisoning all their coffees!_


	18. Chapter 16: Puff is Beginning to Think That 12 Year-Olds Aren't Ready for the Facts of Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm so sorry this is so late! I got super busy with college work and didn't get the chance. I promise that the next chapter will be up in the next few days to make up for it. Hope you guys are all still enjoying it and that you're not too annoyed with me xxx

When they were finally given leave of the staff room, Dipper called out to Mason and his group before they had the chance to disperse. He called a meeting and it was agreed that they would have it in the Hufflepuff common room after lunch where they wouldn’t be disturbed. The reverse falls group gathered first along with Mabes who they happened to run into along the way.

Will sat next to Mason who was bravely holding his ground as Ceru hissed and tried to claw at him. Will kept her sated by stroking and fussing over her and Mason could swear the kitten was giving him a smug look. Mabes and Mabel meanwhile were sitting on the opposite sofa, Mabes helping Mabel with the speech she was going to make to her harem.

“I want it to be devastating, but not too devastating. I don’t want them to swear revenge, but I don’t want them to be bothering me afterwards. Does that make sense?”

“Absolutely! You want something that says: ‘none of you are good enough for me, but you should move on with your lives’. Have you considered telling them you’re a lesbian?”

“And if girls should start asking me out?”

“…I’m not seeing the problem here.”

“Would you two please shut up.” Mason drawled, beginning to get impatient with his other self.

“This is important, brother. I’m about to emotionally wreck several once-promising young men and I want to do it right.”

The two continued to discuss for the next five minutes; Mason holding a telepathic conversation with Will; and Ceru, completely unaware of this, confused at the smug look she was getting from the fiend. Finally, Dipper and Bill arrived, the former carrying a copy of ‘Spells and Rituals That Will Get You Places (Hopefully, in One Piece!) by Harold Tungsten’.

“You sure took your time,” Said Mason, “Maybe next time you’ll wait ‘til after the meeting to ravish the other Cipher.”

“I wasn’t-!” Dipper cut himself off as he felt his face go red, Bill trying not to coo at how adorable Pinetree was. “Let’s just get this over with.” He sighed, placing the book on the coffee table and opening it to the right page (grabbing some random objects to help hold the pages down so he didn’t have to).

The page opened to a ritual pertaining to inter-dimensional travel. It was tricky, but doable. It was one that could only be done once a year on a specific full moon and you had to put your name on a waiting list (no buts, no cuts, no coconuts!). Dipper had looked it up and so far, the next opening would be late into their 6th year. There was also a copious amount of ingredients and items to get for the ritual, most of which were perishable, so they didn’t need to worry about them just yet.

“So, there we have it,” He declared, “The only problem is, since we’re going to different dimensions, only one group can do the ritual that year; the others are going to have to wait for the next opening.” The reverse falls trio looked at each other.

“No need to worry there, Pines,” Mason said casually, “None of us have any intention of going back to our universe.”

“Eh? Why not?” Mabes asked snapping herself out of the daydream she was having.

“Well, why would we?” Mabel scoffed, “It’s so much fun here with all this magic, a corruptible government ripe for the picking, no Stan-“

“Mabel.” Mason warned, the two glaring at each other for a moment before Mabel sighed.

“My point is, with you guys gone, we don’t have to listen to you all whining when we take over the world.” Now, the old Dipper probably would have said something against this, but at this point, he knew it was a lot less hassle just to stay out of the way.

“Can you at least promise you’ll hold off on world domination ‘til after we leave?” He sighed. Mason and Mabel exchanged a look.

“I think we can at least keep it subtle until then. Right, brother?”

“I suppose we can stick to laying the foundations for now.”

“Good afternoon, class.” Puff announced, standing in front of his class of 2nd years, his first class of the year (or ever really) and he was with _them_. He could see them, smiling at him like they’re trying to lure him into a false sense of security. Especially Bill! That bastard was grinning at him like a loon, like he’d done something and was waiting for Puff to notice. He took solace in the fact that Dipper was next to him (not smiling, but actually looking at him like you would look at a teacher), ready to start beating him with a book if he did try anything.

“I am Professor Puff and I will be teaching you Defence Against the Dark Arts for the rest of the year and hopefully never again.” He noticed the rest of the students looking at each other like there was something wrong with him. Puff didn’t want any trouble, he just wanted to get through the year as fast as possible.

“I only have two rules for my class: get the work done and don’t do anything that will get me into trouble. As long as you stick to that, you can do whatever you want, I don’t care.” One of the girls raised her hand. “Yes, miss…?”

“Granger, sir. I’m afraid I don’t agree with your teaching. Surely, you should be encouraging everyone to work diligently?” Ah, Gerald thought, She’s one of those people.

“Are you the teacher?”

“Well, no-“

“Do you want to be?”

“Umm-“

“Because I didn’t!” The students were all wide-eyed now. “You think I wanted to come work at a school with a goddamn monster attacking people?! No! Why would I? What sane person would do that to themselves?! It’s bad enough I’ve got 5 monsters at home of my own to deal with every summer- Yes, Mabel, I said 5! Will is an angel and you know it!-

“Here’s a tip for all of you: life is always trying to bullshit you! One day, you’re leaving Hogwarts with some pretty dapper NEWT scores; the next, you’re stuck in a dead-end, low-wage job with a boss that’s constantly coming up with new ways to screw you over and nothing you can do about it because by damn do you need that reference!

“So, why should I care? Why should I put any effort into this job if it means that none of you are going to put in the effort yourselves or that I’m not even gonna get a pay rise, or any form of validation? I lie to my parents y’know? I tell them I’ve got a nice cushy job in the ministry. Not that they care, my little brother’s an auror; he’s out there making a difference in the world; they look at me like I sell insurance!”

Nobody spoke for a moment, even two. Puff breathed heavily as he finally got 16 years of pure, unadulterated rage out of his system. The 12-13-year olds in front of him didn’t know what to do. Hermione herself was nearly in tears and rigid with shock having never heard an adult talk like that before. After a few minutes of silence, Puff began the lesson.

It was a Friday evening just after the Easter holidays. Dipper and Mabes were both sitting in the common room next to the fire alongside Fred, George and Angelina. Dipper began to wonder if anything actually happened in between January and now and he can safely say that absolutely nothing of interest happened. Nothing except Angelina getting her new leg. The thing was metal and not great looking, but it does the job alright. The 5 of them had spent the evening she got it drawing pictures and writing cool quotes and whatnot on it.

He and Mabes had some papers in front of them, the two trying to decide on their subjects next year. Dipper immediately put down Care of Magical Creatures, finally happy to see a subject he could get behind. He was now trying to decide between Arithmancy and ancient Runes which both looked really interesting but then, was there any point in doing both of them if he was only here for another four years? Would the information be transferrable to their universe? What if only one of them is and he picks the wrong one?

“What about you, Mabes?” Fred asked, awkwardly moving away from Dipper’s muttered rant.

“Muggle Studies!”

“Why?”

“I’m gonna ace it!” Mabes was fairly confident that if she went into this class, she was going to be a genius.

“Alright then,” Angelina laughed, “What’s your other subject going to be?”

“No idea!” She declares just as enthusiastically. Lavender, who happened to be entering the common room at this time, popped up behind where Mabes was sitting and rested over her shoulders.

“You should do Divination with me, Mabes~”

“The hell is that?”

“It’s like fortune telling and what not. Tea leaves, crystal balls, that sort of thing.” Mabes thought for a moment. Seeing the future does sound like it would be handy. She could definitely use that to get a one-up on Dipper. Think of all the amazing things she could do…

“I’m in!” She exclaimed after a daydream. The others were helping Dipper, and all jumped when they heard her finally say something after 30 minutes. The group was just about to settle down again when they heard a commotion in the boys’ dormitory. Dipper was the one nominated to go investigate, Fred and George both way too comfortable to move right now.

When he reached the dorm, he found the other boys in his year all crowded around Harry’s things that had been completely desecrated. He looked at the piles of ripped up sheets and books suspiciously. What could someone possibly have against Harry? Were they looking for something? It was then that he heard Harry frantically whispering to Ron about something being missing.

Riddle… The name sounded familiar, like he’d read it at some point. But that was besides the fact. Someone broke into the dorm to steal that diary, which means that it must be important to the mystery… A clue! Dipper smiled, going to his things and pulling out the notes he made months ago while the others were still causing a commotion. The investigation was back on!


	19. Chapter 17: Good Will Hunting (Get it?!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! I promised 2 chapters this week and I delivered! Yay! One more chapter left I think, I suppose we'll see how it goes. If you're like me and you skip to the latest chapter, make sure you've read the one before! As always, you guys are awesome and I hope that you're all staying safe and whatnot xxx

Mason was in a particularly foul mood. I was the sort of mood where you knew that you were being grouchy for basically no reason, but just couldn’t shake it. The source of his frustration came mostly from the fact that _Diggory_ and those other insects had taken Will off to see the quidditch match since _Diggory_ was playing in it.

It mainly meant that Mason was unable to sleep away his bad mood until the match was finished (him refusing to sleep anywhere out in the open without Will to keep watch). It was especially annoying that they had all decided to meet up an hour before the match even started to make banners or something.

He knows that if he asked Will, he would have left his friends and gone with him. He almost did, but the look on Will’s face made him hold his tongue. They weren’t back there anymore, they didn’t only have each other anymore…

Mason stopped in the middle of the corridor, sighing and turning on his heel back to the dorms. He knew that on a day like this it was probably going to be hot and stuffy down there, but it was better than sleeping outside on your own. As he started on his way, he heard someone call his name behind him. He turned back and was met with Grant- Granger who was running about, slightly dishevelled and out of breath.

“I- I figured it out!” she huffed, catching her breath. Mason nodded to her to continue.

“A basilisk. If you meet its gaze then it’ll kill you, but if you don’t meet it directly…”

“Then you get petrified. Interesting,” He thought for a moment, “That’s quite a few lucky breaks isn’t it?” He nearly laughed.

“Here,” She pulled a hand mirror out her bag. “I’ve got loads; you can have one for checking ‘round corners.” He hummed, about the closest thing to a thank you as he’s willing to give. “We’re good now, right? I don’t owe you anything else?”

“No, I’d say we were even. See you around.” Granger looked rather miffed that he didn’t seem more grateful, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. She only warned him because she owed him, it wasn’t out of kindness or friendship so why should he care?

He used the mirror to make his way through the corridors back to the dorm. He wasn’t particularly worried though. After all, what was the likelihood that he would-

Puff took a seat in the infirmary next to the bed that Mason was lying in. He was the first to arrive out of all of them and didn’t know what to think. Yeah, the kid before him was a pain in his ass but that didn’t mean he was happy to see him like this. Was this going to happen to the others?

Puff could feel himself turning mama bear as he started fretting over whether or not to pull them all out of school for the year, the reality of the situation finally hitting him. Mabel was the next to arrive, running into the infirmary and stopping short just before reaching her brother, schooling her face as she noticed Puff. She leaned over Mason and flicked him on the forehead.

“Don’t scare me like that, stupid.” She smiled sadly, happy to see that he’s not dead but not so much that someone attacked him in the first place. The boy was going to get a mighty lecture when he woke up.

The Pines twins and Bill arrived next, though Bill didn’t look in the least bit sad and Puff was about ready to send him out if he said anything insensitive. Dipper must have given him a lecture ahead of time though as he just wondered around other parts of the room to amuse himself. Mabes was the only one visibly crying, her brother patting him on the back.

Puff was about to comfort Mabel but saw that she had put a bored look on her face. Any hint of compassion she buried deep down so as not to look weak in front of the others. Puff decided to respect it and was glad that she at least trusted him enough to show him something.

Will was the last to arrive, running in with Cedric close behind him to make sure he got there alright. Puff expected Will to react the worst to the news, he and Mason were always so close. He stood up and was about to go hug him or something when he saw that a hug was the last thing that Will wanted right now. There were no tears, no sharp intakes of breath, or any shakes. Will stood before them absolutely calm and quiet, his one blue eye fixed on Mason, glowing and full of rage.

He turned, walked straight passed Cedric with no acknowledgement and went out the door. Puff ran after him, calling his name and Will stopped. He turned to face him, and Puff could feel some immense pressure in the atmosphere that made his bones creak.

“Where are you going?” Puff was afraid to hear the answer.

…

“To hunt.”

A week passed, no one had seen hide nor hair of Will since that day. The teachers grew worried, but Puff assured them that Will would come back when he was ready, though this was mostly for his benefit. He tried to stay positive about it but if another week passed and Will still hadn’t come back, he was gonna start panicking.

When he returned to the infirmary that day, he had not expected Bill to be the one to calm him down. In his usual, unserious manner he told them that Will was on a warpath, and it was probably best that no one get in his way.

Dipper was in the library, as he had been for the past few weeks since the new clue was brought up. He’d been looking through books on Hogwarts around the time of the last incident 50 years ago to see if he could find this Riddle person. His name came up a few times in books relating to outstanding students and the pieces were beginning to fit together, he just didn’t quite know how yet.

“He’s the murderer.” Mabes declared after listening to Dipper’s findings.

“Well obviously. But how does that relate to these attacks?”

“Maybe he died here and became a ghost?”

“No, there’s no record that he died here. Not much really about him at all after he graduated.”

“Maybe he’s someone’s dad and they’re doing it under his instructions.”

“No one here with his surname.”

“Maybe they took their mother’s?”

“Then we’re back to square one.” He banged his head on the table, Mabes patting his head in comfort.

“Cheer up, Pinetree,” Dipper flinched as Bill suddenly showed up out of nowhere, covered in twigs and leaves, his hair a blonde mess of tangles. “Could be worse, you could have spent your whole afternoon following spiders.”

“Like you, I’m assuming?”

“Yep! Not as fun as it sounds though, those spiders did not want to party.”

“Aww, that’s too bad.” Mabes switched the patting to Bill who grinned like a Cheshire cat.

“Yep, so I ate them.” The patting stopped. Both twins stared at him, eyes wide. “Do I need to elaborate?”

“No!”

“It all began a few hours ago…”

_Bill was out for a jolly stroll through the woods chasing after a trail of spiders that looked like they were all off to some big annual spider con or something. Bill hoped there was cake, cake would be nice. As he went further into the woods, he noticed a lot more webbing hanging off of the trees, like the kind that was made by giant spiders. Lo and behold, what does he see a few trees along but a giant spider waiting for him to get closer._

_“Hello!” He called and the spider scurried away. Bill chased after it, as you do. When he caught up, he found several other spiders had surrounded him, each clicking at him angrily. “Ok, so I know I didn’t buy a ticket, but I can still come party, yes?”_

_The spiders looked at each other a bit confused at the boy before them who stood grinning at them. The one behind him moved first, lunging at him but in one fell swoop found itself pinned to the ground, the boy kneeling on top of him, his hand on his back._

_“Are we playing tag? I love this game! I caught you, so I’m it.” He grabbed one of the spider’s legs and pulled it off, the spider screaming if it was possible to do so. “Now I count to ten, and you go hide. If I catch you, I take another leg!” The spider wasted no time in legging it, yelling: ‘he’s fucking crazy, get away!’_

_The other spiders didn’t run, thinking that if they worked together, they could win. Bill was not pleased._

_“No! That isn’t how you play! You’re supposed to run so I can catch you and tear off your-_

_…_

_“Ok, so I think I’m thinking of the wrong game now. My bad. Can we still play my game?”_

“And they didn’t want to play, so I ate them and came here.”

“What part of ‘no’ didn’t you understand?” Dipper sighed, packing up his books and things when he noticed halfway through the story how late it was getting. Students were supposed to be escorted and whatnot but somehow, they managed to sneak around it. Maybe the teachers didn’t care. Dipper supposed that they were probably about fed up with their group by now and thought they could handle it.

Either way, the three of them were making their way to the hall for supper when they heard a strange noise come from around the corner. Something between a bang and a whoosh followed by a dripping noise.

“What was that?” Mabes asked.

“Maybe one of us should go check it out?” Dipper said nervously, about to nominate Bill when:

“I vote Pinetree!”

“I vote Dip Dop!”

“Fuck!” The other two retreated to behind a suit of armour, quietly shouting words of encouragement to Dipper as he slowly approached the corner. A coppery, fleshy scent filling the air and Dipper was already regretting it. Deep down, he always knew he’d be the first to die in a horror movie.

He took a deep breath and lunged around the corner, hoping to catch whatever it was off guard. He wasn’t particularly shocked really, to see the walls of the corridor coated with blood as if something just exploded there (maybe something did). It kind of felt normal at this point. What was surprising though, was the small blue-haired demon on his knees in front of the scene, a bit of blood speckled on him but not as much as you think there would be.

“Will?” He slowly turned his head, his body shaking as he met Dipper’s eyes, his own eye red and teary.

“I-I-I’m s-sorry!” He sniffed, sitting there crying his eyes out. Dipper came over quick and gave him a hug.

“There, there.” He said, trying to sound comforting and patting him on the head. Will buried his head into Dipper’s shoulder and only looked up when they both heard Bill and Mabes come to see if Dipper was dead.

“Oh my Axolotl!” Bill shrieked, “Will… I’m so proud of you!” He came over, kneeling down next to Dipper and patted Will on the back. “You finally did something epic!”

“I-I-I d-didn’t mean t-t-to…”

“Who cares if you meant to or not, this-” He gestured to the bloody hallway, “This is fucking beautiful!” Will seemed to perk up a bit at that.

“I-I did g-good?”

“You did awesome! Worthy of the Cipher name!” Will smiled and promptly collapsed, Dipper only just managing to stop him from hitting the floor. The three looked again at the corridor before them.

“So…” Mabes began, “Should we leg it before a teacher makes us clean this up?”

“Yes, we should.” Dipper agreed, wiping the blood off of Will’s face so that nobody they met on the way to the infirmary asked any questions.


	20. Chapter 18: Murder Book From the Murder Basement Down the Murder Slide in the Murder Bathroom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter yet! I fucking did it! The second book is done! YES!!!!!! It's taken me all day but I did it! I hope you guys enjoy cuz I might cry if you don't! Over the next book, I'm gonna be asking you guys if you want me to fit in any more ships and whatnot cuz we're about to get into the teen drama phase. I for one am really backing my OT3: Ginny, Neville and Luna, but I don't have to write about it if you guys don't like it. Any other suggestions feel free to stick in the comments. Anyways, you guys be awesome. Enjoy xxx

_There’s got to be something I missed…_ Dipper pondered, leafing through the same books he went through when he first started investigating. Spring passed by in a blink of an eye despite his slow progress. Will hadn’t woken since he collapsed, so Dipper hasn’t been able to question him.

Despite Will being completely out of it, none of that had stopped Cedric from visiting him every chance he got, sometimes leaving flowers. Dipper believes that Cedric was just glad for once that he could hang around Will in Mason’s presence without getting his brains bashed out.

Dipper was currently in the middle of a History of Magic lesson, sitting in the back, books spread out in front of him and Mabes doodling next to him. As he flicked through one of the older-looking books in his possession he noticed that a page had been torn out. He knew that the book was intact when he last read it and realised that, like the diary, someone didn’t want anyone else to read it.

He thought back to earlier on in the year, mentally going through the book in his mind. He felt proud when all those memory tricks that Ford taught him hadn’t gone to waste as he identified the missing page. He frantically tapped Mabes on the shoulder and whispered his findings, getting to the bit about the basilisk when he frowned.

“But how could a snake have been around this long? What the hell has it been eating?”

“Ghost snake?”

“For fuck’s sake, Mabel. Get off the ghost ide- Mabel! You’re a genius!”

“They don’t call me No.1 IQ Mabel for nothing.”

“It’s 1 IQ, Mabel and that’s not a good thing. I’ve got to go check something out, can you cover for me?”

“No way, I wanna come with!”

“…Fine, just let me grab something.”

“Yay! Adventure! Go Mystery Twins!” He clamped his hand over Mabes’ mouth, sighing in relief when he saw that no one had noticed. In fact, everyone looked pretty dead to be honest and Dipper was suddenly a lot more confident about slipping away from the lesson unnoticed.

Dipper remembered Myrtle from the Death Day party and was pleased to find out that she was in fact the victim from the last series of attacks. Myrtle was less pleased at his cheerfulness, but after about an hour of apologies was placated enough to tell them the rest of the story. When she identified the sink as the entrance, Dipper swung off the large wrapped-up frame from his back and placed it next to one of the stalls while he and Mabes investigated the sink.

Four hours later…

“Open sesame!!!” Mabes declared but after a beat, there was only silence.

“Yes, that didn’t work the last 100 times you tried but I was sure this time you had a chance!” Dipper was found spread out on the ground, hoping that this position might help him think better. If they didn’t figure it out in the next hour, they were going to go find Bill and have him blow up the sink.

It wasn’t long after he had this thought, that the door to the bathroom was suddenly opened. Dipper and Mabes both shot up and were about to go find somewhere to hide when they saw that it wasn’t teachers, but the original Dynamic Duo.

“What are you doing here?” Ron asked, rudely Dipper might add.

“Investigating.” Dipper answered.

“Yep,” Mabes grinned, “We’ve solved the mystery and are gonna go find us a murderer.”

“ _You_ solved the mystery?” Harry was a little miffed to find that someone had beaten them to it, even more so to see that it was two of the Crack Trio (as some in their year had started to call them). “Then you know the monster is-“

“A basilisk.” Dipper cut him off.

“The petrification?”

“Reflections.”

“And Hagrid’s-“

“Completely innocent.”

“…How’s it getting around?” Harry smirked when Dipper couldn’t give him an answer. “You don’t know, do you?”

“I hadn’t gotten ‘round to that bit yet. Do _you_ know?”

“Yeah,” He said smugly. “Pipes.” Dipper’s eyebrows crinkled.

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yeah, it does!”

“This is a giant snake we’re talking about! Even if the school had massive pipes running through the walls, where does it come out of? There aren’t any manholes scattered around the school.”

“Maybe it uses the ones in the bathrooms?”

“That’s ridiculous!” He shuffled his hand through his hair in exasperation. “I suppose the next thing you’ll say is that one of the first years is Tom Riddle’s grandchild or something?”

“No, why would I say that?”

…

“Because he was the murderer.” He said slowly.

“Who? Tom? No way!”

“He clearly was.” The twins said at the same time, both a little shocked that neither or them came to that conclusion.

“Now you’re the one being ridiculous! Tom was a prefect, a model student, he was trying to stop the murders!”

“And he arrested the wrong guy, obviously trying to frame someone else.”

“What are you talking about-“

“You guys!” Ron interrupted, looking rather annoyed at the two of them bickering. “Can we get on with this?! Don’t forget that my _sister’s_ down there!”

“Wait, what did I miss?” Dipper looked between the two. Mabes standing in a confused mix of concern and frustration (frustrated mostly at herself because of the Hamilton song that started playing in her head that in any other situation she would have started to sing out loud).

“Whoever’s behind this took Ginny into the Chamber.”

“Why?”

“She knew something. We don’t know what, but she tried to tell us and now she’s gone!” Dipper and Mabes both gave him a sympathetic look, the two aware of what it was like for a sibling to be in danger.

“The entrance is there,” Dipper pointed to the sink. “We’ve been trying to get it to open for hours but nothing’s working. There must be some sort of key or password or something.” Ron’s eyes brightened.

“Harry, say something in Parseltongue.”

“But-“ He hesitated, thinking to himself while Mabes excitedly asked Dipper what Parseltongue was. “Open up,” Mabes was suddenly less impressed.

“English,” Ron said. Another moment passed and Harry tried again, this time the twins marvelled at the hissing noises he made.

“Ooooh,” Ron was about to ask why they both sounded so in awe when the sink started to move to reveal a large exposed pipe.

“Ooooooh,” They went again. Harry and Ron both shared a look but decided to just ignore the crazy people.

“Let’s go.” Harry declared.

“Hold up,” Dipper stopped him. “What’s your plan here?”

“Plan?”

“Yeah, for the basilisk.”

“Um… Any sign of movement and we close our eyes straight away.” Dipper pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Are you kidding me? This is a giant killer snake we’re talking about, not a multi-bear! You can’t just waltz in with a half-assed plan!”

“What the heck’s a-“

“And what’s your plan, genius?” Ron snarked and Dipper grinned, revealing the package he’d brought along. “A mirror? How the hell is that supposed to help?”

“You’re kidding right? You’ve never heard the story on how Perseus slayed the gorgon?”

“No, and I don’t see what this ‘gorgon’ has got to do with what we’re doing now.” Dipper sighed, and Ron was starting to get annoyed at how high and mighty this guy was acting.

“If we run into the snake, we hold up the mirror and have it look at its own reflection. With any luck, it’ll kill itself by looking at itself in the eyes. Any questions?” There were none. “Cool, we go with my plan then.”

And so, they went down the murder slide, so called because it leads to the school’s murder basement. You may think it strange for a school to have a murder basement but believe me, it’s more common than you think. Harry and Ron both slid down as quietly and seriously as they could, trying not to alert the enemy to their presence. Mabes and Dipper on the over hand apparently didn’t get the memo, cheering and ‘wheee’ing the whole way down.

When they reached the bottom, Mabes did her best not to think about the millions of animal bones beneath her feet. Through her extraordinary imagination, she was able to pretend they were unicorn bones and trudged along happily. As they walked along, mostly in silence after the glares they got from Harry and Ron, they eventually made it to a strange carving on the wall. Harry did his thing, and the wall opened up to what they assume to be the Chamber of Secrets.

The four of them ran as soon as they spotted the collapsed figure on the floor. Ron holding her up and trying to get her to wake up, while the other’s kept an eye out for the monster.

“She won’t wake,” Spoke a mysterious stranger. But in fact, he was no stranger, but Tom Riddle himself, as young and pretty as he was in life though a little blurred around the edges.

“What do you mean, she won’t wake?” Ron spoke, but Tom kept his eyes on Harry, something that was starting to make Harry feel a bit uncomfortable. “She’s not-“

“She’s alive, but only just.”

“Are you a ghost?” Mabes asked excitedly.

“A memory,” He answered quietly. “Preserved in a diary for fifty years.”

“So not a ghost…” Mabes pouted. Dipper patted her on the head.

“Maybe next time, Mabel.”

“C’mon,” Harry bent down to help Ron with Ginny. “Let’s get her out of here before the basilisk shows up.”

“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that.” Harry and Ron were both surprised to here Riddle trying to stop them. Dipper and Mabes, less so.

“No way!” Mabes gasped sarcastically, “He’s the murderer?”

“What a shocker! Who could have seen that coming?” Dipper said, equally as sarcastic.

“Oh, shut up!” Harry yelled, “You guys only said that he was the murderer before, there was no way you could have figured out this plot twist!”

“Who cares,” Dipper shrugged, “Two out of four ain’t bad.” He and Mabes high fived while Tom eyed the group, feeling rather insulted. Ignoring them, he went on to do what all villains do and explain how he did it all before he went and murdered them. Dipper and Mabes stopped listening about halfway though.

“So, he possessed her?” Mabes asked.

“Yes…”

“And he’s definitely dead?”

“Mabel, he’s not a ghost.”

“But he basically is!”

“Do you mind!?” Tom practically screamed at them, getting very annoyed that they had talked through his epic speech. He had just revealed he was Voldemort too, but half of his audience didn’t even seem to care. “You know what? Fuck it! You guys can all just go die now!”

“Aww come on, man. Don’t be like that.” Dipper attempted to soothe.

“No! You had your chance to hear my amazing plot, but you wasted it.” He turned towards the statue and started hissing at it. The mouth of the statue opened up and Tom began laughing maniacally. The four quickly started to prepare the mirror to hide behind but after a minute, the laughter began to quiet down as nothing seemed to happen.

He hissed again at the statue, but again nothing happened. Next, he started hissing more angrily.

“What’s he saying?” Mabes whispered to Harry.

“Something like: ‘Where the fuck are you?! You’re making me look bad in front of my arch-enemy!’ I think he’s trying to summon the basilisk.”

“Well, duh!” Mabes retorted, “why isn’t it working?”

“What did you do?!” Tom screamed at the children.

“Us?” Ron asked innocently, “What makes you think we did something?”

“You must have! It always comes when I call it! So, what have you done to it?!” Dipper facepalmed.

“Argh, Will!”

“Oh, so that’s what happened.” Mabes realized.

“What are you guys on about?” Harry asked.

“Remember back in spring when the teachers found that corridor with the walls covered in blood?”

“That was Will?!” Harry was on the brink of shock. “And here I thought he was the good one…”

“Hey, he killed the basilisk,” Dipper defended, “If anything, that makes him the best one.”

“STOP IGNORING ME!!!” They all looked at Tom, who’s patience had obviously completely disappeared at this point, and turned back to each other. Mabes started packing away the mirror while Harry and Ron picked up Ginny and Dipper grabbed the diary. “What- what are you doing?”

“…Leaving?” Harry replied, looking a bit confused as to why he had to ask.

“You can’t just leave!”

“Oh yeah?” Harry grinned, “You gonna do something about it?” All four of them had their wands pointed to Riddle, the latter being completely unarmed and, as he was a wizard, most likely completely incapable of physical combat.

“It matters not,” Riddle mentioned as they began to walk away again. “The girl will be dead in a few more moments and I will live again!” He laughed once more but was cut off by Dipper who had finished looking through the blank diary.

“Here you go, Mabel.” He chucked it to her and Mabes squealed in glee as she pulled a glittery pink pen out from her robes. She sat criss-cross on the ground and started writing.

_Dear Tommy Boy,_

_About two or three years have gone since my last semi-successful boyf. He was nice. I think his name was Raymond or something. And I say he was nice, but I only mean that he was nice at the start. Then he got weird. He was cute though, super cute, as cute as a cupcake made out of puppies- actually that doesn’t sound so cute. Maybe more like a puppy made out of cupcakes? I don’t know, what do you think? Are cupcakes cute? I think they are, but then I also thought unicorns were cute but then they just turn out to be assholes. Did I ever tell you about the time I almost got married to gnomes?_

“What is this?!” Tom cried, “What have you done?!” The ink from the glittery pen sank into the diary and began to pollute Tom’s mind with thoughts of cookies and rainbows and explosions. Y’know, the kind of stuff that’s always on Mabes’ mind.

His hold over Ginny released as he disappeared in a glitter tornado and the girl woke suddenly in Harry and Ron’s arms.

“What happened?”

“Epic stuff happened, Ginny.” Harry replied.

The group went ahead to see Professor McGonagall and explain the situation. Needless to say, the adults in the room (Mr and Mrs Weasley having been brought in due to the situation) were both happy to see Ginny alive and shocked that the four of them would go face the murderer without consulting a teacher first. Harry and Ron had only just realized at that point that they really should have told a teacher about everything instead of going down themselves. Dipper and Mabes though, probably wouldn’t have gone to a teacher anyway even if they did think of it.

Dumbledore (who surprisingly had returned about an hour ago or something) wasn’t particularly shocked that Harry and Ron had gone into the chamber and defeated Riddle. He was curious about the other two though but figured that if Harry and Ron could solve the mystery then so could anyone else really.

After a few minutes of arguing, Mabes was allowed to keep the diary so long as she herself didn’t get possessed. Dipper deciding not to mention at this point the time she actually did get possessed by the ghosts in that haunted convenience store back home. He reckoned that she’d probably be alright this time around.

And so, Dipper and Mabes were given leave while the others discussed things a bit more; the two being sent to the infirmary to meet up with Puff, Mabel and Bill to see Mason when he woke up. Dipper didn’t much care about seeing him when he woke but was happy he had something to gloat about when he did.

As soon as they arrived, it was obvious that Puff hadn’t heard about them going off on their little adventure and they chose to relish in the ignorance before the inevitable lecture that would come once they started bragging about it.

“Where have you guys been?” Bill pouted, “Did you have a party without me?”

“Yes, Bill.” Dipper deadpanned, “And it was the best damn party I’ve ever been to.”

“Well, now I know you’re lying.”

“It’s true, there was cake and everything.”

“What flavour?”

“Birthday cake flavour.”

“That tells me nothing!”

Mason woke up with a groan, the slight sound alerting Will at the opposite side of the room, waking him up from his couple-of-months-long coma. Will was immediately standing next to them and Puff ‘gah’ed in surprise. Mason opened his eyes but frowned at the sight of them all standing around him.

“Do fuck off, the lot of you,” He groaned, “You’re all the last things I want to see when I wake up.”

“Rude!” Bill gasped, offended by his audacity. It’s not like he wanted to be dragged out of bed at this hour to see this asshole. “And I came all this way!”

“Nobody asked you to, Cipher!” Mason turned his head to Will. “Did you avenge me?”

“Y-yes!”

“Good boy. You can stay.” Will grinned and Mason would have blushed at the sight if he wasn’t so damn tired. He was about to shoo away the overs when there was a yelp of surprise from Mabes.

Mabes hadn’t stopped writing in the diary since she got it and had gotten ‘round to talking about how she met lil’ old Gideon when all of a sudden, black ink started to seep from the pages like blood.

“Dipper, I think I broke him!” The ink was spilling over the ground now.

“Oh my god, Mabel! What did you do?!”

“I think he killed himself. Honestly, I’m a little insulted.” Dipper grabbed some towels and the two tried to clear it up before Madam Pomfrey resurfaced. Puff eyed the two of them.

“What have you two got there?” Dipper and Mabes shared a look, Dipper was the one to respond.

“Do you want the long version, or the short version with no context?”

“…Let’s start with the short version.”

“Murder book.”

“Ok, yeah, I’m gonna need more context.”

“Murder book from the murder basement.”

“Keep going…”

Suffice to say, Dipper and Mabes received a very long lecture afterwards, though nowhere near as long as the one Puff got from the teachers later that day.

“Honestly, Gerald. You’re lucky none of them went and got themselves killed.” Minerva ended her lecture. He had been brought into the staffroom 30 minutes ago and hadn’t been able to escape since.

“I’ve tried everything, Minerva.” He cried, literal tears prickling in his eyes. “I can’t stop them, they’re out of control.”

“If I may,” Severus intervened, “Have you considered the cane?”

“Yes, have you tried that?” Poppy agreed, sipping her tea and enjoying the fact that she finally had no patients to attend to. “Twas most effective back in my day.”

“ _Have I tried the cane?_ Of course, I tried it! Used it on Bill the third time he conjured up some nightmarish human-insect crossbreed. It didn’t work! He just told me to hit him harder, ‘daddy’!” He sobbed into some tissues Pomona handed him. “And Mabes threatened to call ‘childline’, whatever the hell that is.”

“Probably some kind of demon.” Filius suggested, the rest of the teachers all nodded in agreement.

“Will we be seeing you again next year, Gerald?” Minerva asked.

“Absolutely not! I’m getting the heck out of here while I still have all my limbs- No offence, Silvanus.”

“Run while you still can.” Silvanus spoke gravely, his eyes on his remaining arm and half a leg. “Maybe I should too…”

“Well you certainly did a better job than you-know-who.” Severus declared.

“Which one? The old one or the one we can’t even look at without throwing up?” Pomona asked.

“The latter.”

“Yes,” Minerva said. “I suppose we should be especially thankful to Mr Cipher for, how to put this… preventing the man from further breeding.”

“1000 points to Slytherin!”

“Yes, 1000 points to Slytherin!”

Later at Dumbledore’s end of year speech…

“Well, it seems that despite the last-minute addition of points, Slytherin is still in the lead by a landslide. I don’t know how you did it but well done, I guess!” He sat down as the Slytherin table cheered eyeing the other teachers suspiciously. “I don’t know who it was, but the madness needs to stop!”

“Hypocrite.” Severus coughed.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, sir.”


	21. Chapter 19: In Which the Author Couldn't Remember What You Call That Kind of Nod That's Like: 'Fair Enough'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry you all had to wait so long, but here we are. A special shout-out to my Bill/Dip fans wherever you are. This one's for you! Also, recently watched the latest episode of Jujutsu Kaisen and kudos to the waiter with amazing self-preservation instincts. You know what, this one's for you nameless waiter! Hope you guys enjoy and thanks so much for all these lush comments I've been getting! They're super fun to read and I love it! xxx

Dipper didn’t want to get up today. He didn’t want to get up most days, but today was a particularly special day. Today he was forced to do something so nightmarish, so vile that he can’t even bring himself to carry on living. He threw the covers back over his head and prayed that they would suffocate him. If they did not, maybe Mabes had some glue he could ingest.

The subject of his torment was one ‘date’ that he had promised a certain psychotic Dorito earlier on in the last school year as a result of losing some bullshit bet. Dipper argued fervidly for his case, clearly stating that he in fact did give the correct deduction within the week. Bill’s counterproposal was that Dipper did not in fact confirm that as his answer, even going so far as to state that it was only meant as a joke.

The argument continued thusly until it was agreed to have the matter decided at court. So, after an afternoon of gathering the necessary people and redecorating the living room, Dipper and Bill were brought before Judge Mabes Supreme and a jury of four to go over their cases. After much debate, several recesses and one mental breakdown on Puff’s behalf; the jury ruled against Dipper and the boy was sentenced to 5 hours of demonity service.

So, this is where he ended up, the afternoon approaching and leaving him with only a few more hours to his own devices before he gets dragged out to who-knows-where. Bill tried to have it that they went out later, but Puff denied his request due to an apparent ‘wizard serial killer’ that was on the loose. Bill defended that he was more than a match for some magic crazy person and Puff agreed that it was the other guy he was worried about, not Bill.

About an hour before the date, Dipper was finally removed from his nest of death by his sister who insisted on making sure he looked his best before he went. Mabes tried to force him into a suit but Dipper wasn’t having it, nor would he allow her to sort out his hair. _It’s fine, Mabel, God!_ Eventually, the two managed to compromise on the suit jacket over a shirt and some jeans. The hair was still not to be touched…

…the hair was ruffled by Bill.

“You’re so adorable.” He said, blasphemously ruffling his hair.

“Gah!” Dipper snarled, “What have you done?!” And he ran upstairs to go sort it out again.

Take 2 – Dipper and Bill stood outside the door with Puff shooing them off, rather enthusiastically I might add. One of these days, Dipper will have figured out whether Puff actually likes having them around or not. Honestly, the man switches moods faster than (cue epic foreshadowing!) a werewolf on a full moon.

The two stand at the end of their drive, Dipper (and the author) suddenly realising that they lived in the middle of freaking nowhere. Where the fuck were they supposed to go? Thankfully, the solution, as always, is wizards. Bill pulls out his granite wand and holds it up proudly. For a second, Dipper worries that he’s learnt some new crazy portal magic which will more than likely come with some disastrous side-effects. In the next second though, his concerns are answered with a jump-scare-inducing bang. Dipper swears his heart leapt out of his chest and just legged it, absolutely done with this shit.

The Knight Bus was pretty fun. Honestly quite a good start to the date so far, being hurtled around at 500mph without seatbelts. Heck, there weren’t even any seats, so Dipper and Bill just played bumper beds for the next ten minutes while they waited for their stop.

“How’d you know about that anyway?” Dipper asked after the bus dropped them off in town.

“They had an ad in the paper.”

“Since when do you read the paper?”

“Since I found out about the crazy shit they advertised in it.” Dipper nodded in a ‘yeah, fair enough’ sort of way.

“So… where we going?” He asked, suddenly aware that he had absolutely no idea what Bill had planned for the evening.

“Scared, Pinetree?” Bill grinned.

“Pff, what? Me? No! I’m just… worried for civilians.” Dipper meant it as a joke, but then it became an actual concern. “Should I be?” Bill laughed and kept walking. “No, Bill. I mean it. Should I be worried for civilians?”

The two arrived at a cinema of all things, bought snacks and tickets and sat down in their seats. The film was Jurassic Park. Mabes had given Bill the choice between that and Sleepless in Seattle, a choice that was not hard to make in the slightest. Dipper agreed when the film finished that the choice was well made and Bill mentally added a point in his favour.

The two of them went to have food at a semi-fancy restaurant (Nicer than a Toby Carvery’s but not anything hard to get reservations for) and continued their discussion on the film whilst enjoying some fine dining.

“I’m just saying,” Bill defended after finishing a glass of what-was-definitely-not-alcoholic-when-the-waiter-brought-it-over-but-certainly-is-now. “If _I_ was trying not to murder humans, I would have had a contingency plan. Planted bombs in the dinosaurs or something like that. They escape? Boom. Simple as that.”

“How’s that going to work. The guy who hacked into your systems obviously would have disabled it before you could.”

“If the guy was dumb enough to get killed by his own plan, then it’s safe to presume he wouldn’t have thought that far ahead.” He poured himself another glass and took another bite out of his stake (extremely rare, in case you were wondering). “Why, what’s your smart idea?” Dipper thought for a moment before snapping his fingers.

“Cats.” Normally bill would have nodded along just like ‘yeah, cats are good’ but for once he had absolutely no idea how Pinetree got to that line of thought. So instead, he raised an eyebrow. “Since they’re already splicing the dinosaur DNA with frogs, I figure you could probably do it with cats as well. That way, even if they did get the overwhelming urge to kill all the humans, they’d be too lazy to do anything about it.”

“Yeah, seems legit. But have you considered that cats just can’t do anything with their puny bodies? Maybe if you stick a cat’s brain in a dinosaur it’ll actually be able to wreck some shit up for once.”

“Huh,” Dipper took a swig from his own glass of not-quite-juice-anymore before shaking his head. “Nah, I’ve seen Will’s cat give me murder eyes all the time. I’m fairly certain if it weren’t for Will, she would have killed us all by now.” Will’s cat was in fact still a kitten despite having been with them for the last two years. Surprisingly, no one had decided to question it.

“So c’mon, Pinetree,” Bill said smugly while swilling his drink. “You have to admit that I did a pretty dapper job for a first date.” Dipper nearly choked on his drink but managed to compose himself. At least, he likes to think he looked pretty composed.

“…I’ll admit it wasn’t awful.”

“Oh, are we blushing?”

“Am not!”

“I think I’ve won this battle.”

“You may have won the battle, but you haven’t won the war.” Dipper thought he was being rather clever with that line, not even realising what it implied.

“So… there’s a round two then?” He grinned, and Dipper flushed even redder than before. The tsundere vibes building up within. He hadn’t expected to enjoy the evening as much as he did and was seriously considering Bill’s offer. But then again, this is Bill we’re talking about. Tonight might have been pleasant but a few years down the road and Dipper could wind up with man-eating sock puppets for hands. Then again again, how does that differ to what they already had up until now?

“Ah, fuck it. Maybe.” He finally managed to get out, rubbing his head in frustration. And you know what, if the dated ended just then, everything would have been swell.

Unfortunately…

“So, how’s the food?” Bill asked, casually switching to a new conversation topic, as you do when on a date and there’s a silence.

“It’s good,” Stop it there, Dipper. Don’t say anymore, please. Think of the Bill/Dip fans! “Fish is a bit overdone but it’s still pretty good.” Fuck. Bill flinched slightly when he heard that Pinetree’s food wasn’t perfect. Dipper noticed this and suddenly realised what he had done when Bill starts to call the waiter over. “No, Bill, it’s fine. I didn’t mean it. It’s good.”

“Is everything alright, sir?” Run, man, run!

“You fucked up.” Bill’s eye glowed red with rage and magic shit.

“I-I’m sorry?” Dude! Why haven’t you left yet?! Why won’t you run?!

“Bill, it’s fine-“ Bill stabbed the waiter’s hand with his fork. “Ah, fuck.” Dipper face-palmed while the waiter cried out in shock more than pain. Not that he wasn’t in pain, adrenaline is a funny thing though.

“You.” Stabs with the next fork. “Fucked.” And the next one. “Up.” Seriously, how many forks does he have?

“Bill, leave him. It’s not his fault.” Bill’s eyes flashed in realisation.

“You’re right.” He stands up, walking towards the kitchen.

“Bill, no! That’s not what I meant!” But it was too late. Bill was in the kitchen.

“Hi there.” He could hear Bill say cheerily, followed by:

“Who the fuck are you?” Followed by screams. Then pleads for mercy. And then chainsaws, Dipper’s quite confused with that last one. So is the waiter by the looks of it. Dipper chugged down the rest of his drink and prayed he had enough time to finish the bottle before the police arrived.

The two stood waiting for the bus. They’d only just called it, but every second felt like an hour to Dipper with how fucking pissed he was at Bill. Bill looked pretty pleased with himself, covered in blood and dragging along a chainsaw. The looks they got from passers-by on the way was not surprising in the least.

Honestly, it was a miracle no one died. In fact, everyone in that restaurant came out miraculously unharmed, though with full memory of the events that transpired. The two of them left before the police arrived, Bill assuring him that all the evidence was removed so no one would believe them anyway. I mean, would you?

“Pinetree, c’mon. I said I was sorry.”

“No, you didn’t! You said: ‘Hey, Pinetree. Want a souvenir?’ and then handed me a spinal cord. That is not an apology!”

The Knight Bus arrived and not even wizards could take the sight of Bill calmly. The two each took a bed, Bill rolling on his to completely dye the sheets red, but Dipper couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. Rubbing his headache away he looked up to meet eyes with probably one of the last people he expected to see. Small world. Harry sat across from him, looking pretty fed up with life as well.

“Rough night?” Harry offered.

“That’s one way to put it. You?”

“Oh yes.” He sighed. “Blew up my aunt. You?”

“Bill. Just… Bill.” Harry nodded, not even having to look at the bloody mess next to Dipper to know that whatever happened to him was probably way worse. “You on the run?”

“Yep.”

“If you need somewhere to stay…”

“No offense to you, but complete offense to him,” He gestured at Bill, “No. God no. Never.”

“Yeah. Fair enough.”


	22. Chapter 20: Frickity-Frack What's That?!?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello mah lovelies!!! It's wet, it's cold, how are you? I'm fine, thanks for asking. Sorry it's been a while, loads of assignments to do but I'm all done for now yay! Hopefully no more until after Christmas unless my tutors decide to be ragamuffins (ooh, I'll kill them!). I really wanted to put in the fanart that Ember made for me but I couldn't figure out how to do images on this thing so I'm really sorry but you guys have to check them out!!!! They're amazing!!!!! I've put links at the end so go see 'em and leave them some lovely comments cuz they's so amazah!!!!! Anyhoo, hope you all enjoy and I promise a better release schedule over the coming weeks xxxxxxxxx

Narrator: Previously, on The Eldritch Adventures of Bill and Pals…

Puff: If any of you little shits want to go to Hogsmeade this year then you better stop setting my fucking kitchen on fire.

Mabes: Dipper Pines, I sentence you to 5 hours of demonity service.

Bill: So… there’s a round two then?

Dipper: No, you didn’t! You said: ‘Hey, Pinetree. Want a souvenir?’ and then handed me a spinal cord. That is not an apology!

Lavender: Mason, I think I’m pregnant. And Mabes is the father!

Narrator: And now, the thrilling conclusion…

Mason stares at the phone in his hand for a moment before promptly hanging up and wiping the past few seconds from his memory. What… just… what?

The family meetings were just about weekly at this point, Puff wanting to make sure that his message was fully ingrained into their heads. It also didn’t help that there was something new to cover just about every week. In fact, this month alone added 32 new horrors to the list of things banned in this house (the latest being: ‘no replacing the salt with fingernail grindings.’ A slight improvement from: ‘no stuffing the pillows with human tongues (or any tongues, Bill!)’ from the week prior).

Puff was feeling slightly more cheerful than usual today, probably because most of his problems were going to go away for most of the year starting tomorrow. Maybe this year-round he could work on his new alcohol problem… nah. Maybe when they’ve moved out.

“Alright, so I’ll start off by saying that you guys have done pretty good this summer,” He pulls out a homemade graph. “As we can see, ‘incidents’ have gone down by nearly 40% since the first week and I’m very proud of most of you.” He glared at Bill when he finished and there’s really no need for me to say why. “As such, you may all go to Hogsmeade this year.” The group (especially Dipper, Mabes and Bill) started celebrating. “Except Bill.”

“Favouritism!” He accused.

“It really isn’t.” He then pulled out another graph to place on top of the first one. You see, in the first graph (a line graph), Bill’s name was notably absent. However, when you put this graph on top of the other one, you can see that Bill is there, he’s just way above the other’s in terms of level of chaos. The line went so high that you can bet Puff has a third graph to see just how high it goes. But anyway, the meeting ended and the however-many-there-are of them started to go about with their own things.

“Oh, by the way,” Dipper asked Mason, “Who was on the phone?” Puff looked at the two of them befuddled.

“What phone?”

The Hogwarts Express was as full as ever. You think that they’d add another car what with the ever-growing population but maybe they just like to see the kids suffer in awkwardness. They finally found a compartment that was empty, and Bill waved when he saw the Golden Trio. Spotting the yellow abomination before them, the three of them suddenly pulled into the compartment next to theirs and tried to pretend that they didn’t see them.

“Rude.” Bill pouted before sitting next to Dipper who noticeably shuffled away from him. “Aww c’mon, Pinetree. You really still mad?”

“Give me a reason not to be, then we’ll talk.” Mabes hated seeing her third favourite couple in this universe arguing. She released Ducktective to explore the rest of the train before deciding to intervene.

“C’mon you two, turn those frowns upside down!” Bill raised his hands to snap his neck into the correct position but was stopped by Dipper who shook his head like ‘no, Bill. It’s just an expression’. “As your marriage councillor-“

“Neither of us agreed to that-“

“As your marriage councillor-“

“We’re not even married-“

“It is my job to get you guys through these rough patches. So, Dipper, why don’t you tell me five nice things about Bill.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!” Bill raised his hand excitedly.

“Yes, Bill.” Mabes pointed.

“I’m funny, I’m intelligent, I’m super sexy-“

“Aren’t you supposed to be listing things about me.”

“Dipper, shh. There are no wrong answers in couple’s therapy.” Bill was about to continue when the door to the compartment suddenly opened, revealing a hyperventilating first year thoroughly freaking out.

“Have- Have you guys heard of the Rail Tracer?”

“Yep.” The three of them answered and the boy looked like he wanted to utter a curse word but didn’t know any, the poor dear.

“There’s two guys next door who haven’t heard it.” Bill pointed out helpfully, grinning like a loon.

“Merlin bless you!” He cried rushing to next door while Bill started laughing maniacally.

It took a few hours and a lot of back-tracking, but the two eventually reached a peace. Dipper still wasn’t willing to go on another date with him, but he was willing to go back to how things were. Bill on the other hand, still hadn’t given up and was already concocting the next set of plans to wear him down.

The sun had gone down, the rain was pouring, and Dipper could have fallen asleep if it weren’t for the other two playing Slaps until their hands were raw. Suddenly, the train screeched to a halt. Bill went to open the door to outside but quickly fell backwards when he realised that there wasn’t a platform.

The lights went out and Dipper pulled out a torch from his pocket. The three of them ‘ooh’ed at the eeriness when a panicked quacking noise sounded outside the door. Mabes opened the door and Ducktective ran inside, hiding under the seat.

“What’s up with him?” Dipper asked and Mabes poked her head down the hall to see what was going on. She immediately regretted it when she spotted the creepy, dark, cloaked figure making its way towards them.

“Nope!” She declared, shutting the door and pulling out some duct tape, sealing the door shut.

“Mabel, what-“

“Frickity-frack, it’s the flipping Rail Tracer!” Dipper scoffed.

“Oh, come on! There’s no way there’s a-“ He stopped himself when the figure appeared behind the window of the door.

“Frickity-frack, it is the flipping Rail Tracer.” The three stepped back towards the door, ready to leg it if needs be (though Bill was mostly vibrating on the spot, on the brink of fangirling). The door shook a moment as the Rail Tracer tried to open it. Then, a pause. Then, another shake, this one more vigorously. Eventually, the Rail Tracer gave off a frustrated huff and went on to the next compartment. The three relaxed until a thought suddenly came to Dipper.

“I wonder if Harry and Ron managed to tell someone else the story?”

“Once again, I’d like to reiterate from last year’s speech that there is no Rail Tracer-“

“I know what I saw, old man!” A random student cried.

“They were Dementors.” He assured, but no one was buying it. Honestly, Dumbledore didn't know how he was going to handle this law suit. Really got to lock the doors on the train next year. We lost 27 first years this time. There will be no sorting tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check these out!!!!!!! By mah fave member of the Institute!!!!  
> https://www.deviantart.com/aemberwolf/art/Mabel-and-ducktective-860637394  
> https://www.deviantart.com/aemberwolf/art/Human-Bill-Cipher-861685838


	23. Chapter 21: Some Things Are Just Inevitabubble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO!!!!!! How's it going? Happy Yule!!!!! And a Merry Christmas to you all! Hope things are good with you guys and you're not stuck in lockdown like me (I'm laughing but it is not out of happiness). Anyhoo, have a good one this year. For next year, I'm putting all my money on evil dolphins. If this happens, let me know.

Bill didn’t usually bash his own head into the table except in dire circumstances. Normally, he would find some other way (usually some other person) to take out his frustrations. Dumbdoor’s speech this year revealed nothing as to what his plans were and how best to fuck with him. Bill would generally just make it up on the spot from here, but this year was special. It was year 3 in his three-year revenge plot and Bill was determined to make it special. Which is why he stayed up all night trying to figure out how to go about it satisfyingly.

He was unsuccessful.

BANG! “Why.” BANG! “Is.” BANG! “This.” BANG! “So.” BANG! “Hard?!”

“It’s a table, Cipher. Of course, it’s hard.” Malfoy pointed out unhelpfully, thinking he was funny.

“If you haven’t got anything helpful to say, then shut the fuck up or I’ll switch your mouth out for something quieter. Like a butterfly, or a tarantula. Or maybe a literal zip!” There seemed to be a twinkle in Bill’s eyes as some semblance of inspiration came to him, until he realised it was for something completely off topic. “Dammit, you’re just distracting me now.”

Bill stuffed a few pancakes in his mouth. He had heard that when humans get upset, they eat food and that fills in the black hole inside them that eats happiness. He supposes he feels a little better…

“What are you trying to do, anyway?” Malfoy asked. Usually, he knows better than to do so but he happens to have found himself in a rare circumstance in which he did not have a shit to give. Bill swallowed the pancakes, nearly choking but he’s alright thanks for asking.

“The finale to my grand three-year revenge plot on the old man.”

“Ok… Why?”

“Bastard had it coming.”

“Wait, is this because he didn’t let you play quidditch in the first year?”

“Obviously. What else would it be? He ruined one year of my life so now I’m returning it threefold.”

“Ok…?”

“First year, I stole the rock he was hiding for some reason. Last year, I got rid of the guy he hired for some reason. This year’s gotta be even better.” He glared at Dumbledore sitting at the teacher’s table, completely ignoring him. “I just need to figure out what his plan is this time.”

“At this point, I think the lawsuit and Sirius Black are taking up all his time.” Bill nodded in agreement but stopped himself. Slamming his hand to the table with a wide grin on his face.

“That’s it!”

“What? The lawsuit?”

“No, Shooting Star gets credit for that one. Kid’s a genius. I meant, the serial killer.” It was another one of those moments that Malfoy thought he should really just walk away right now. A giant red flag waving in his face, screaming at him to run for the hills. But then again, he still found himself without a single shit to give.

“More details, please. I don’t particularly feel like dying this year.”

“Aww, you’ve gotten so used to me.”

“In the summer term,” Professor Trelawney went on, “we shall progress to the crystal ball – if we have finished with fire omens, that is. Unfortunately, classes will be disrupted in February with a nasty bout of the explosions. I myself will lose a leg. And around Easter, one of our number will leave us forever.”

Mabes liked this room. Everything just felt so ancient and mystical. It was like being at her Grandma’s house. Even smelled like it. There was even tea. Tea! It’s so British! Grandma was more a fan of Irish coffee but Mabes was willing to concede that if her grandmother was British, she would have drunk Irish tea.

Lavender went up to hand Trelawney the silver teapot.

“Thank you, my dear. Incidentally, that thing you are dreading – it will happen on Friday the 16th of October.” Lavender was trembling when she sat down, her face ashen.

“Lala,” Mabes crooned, “My baby, you ok?”

“Do you think she’s right, Mabes?” Lavender asked, eyes wide. “Is it going to come true?”

“What are you dreading?”

“The coming of bad news.”

“I see… Yes. Yes, it will.” Lavender looked dejected. “But only because it’s inevitabubble.”

“Inevita- what?”

“Inevitabubble. It’s one of those things that’s definitely going to happen to everyone someday. So, don’t worry about it.”

“But she gave me a date, Mabes.”

“Call everyone you know and tell them all to be super careful.”

“What? You can’t change the future.”

“Psh, sure you can! It’s way easier than changing the past, let me tell you.” Mabel (who was sitting on the table next to them because fuck it, Mabes is funny) decided that now was a good time to butt into the conversation and slip Lavender a card.

“For 5 galleons I could tell you exactly what’ll happen.” The card in question read:

Mabel Gleeful

Sadistic Fortune Teller™

(Bring dispensable animal for 50% off!)

“My speciality’s in love fortunes but I can make an exception. For an extra galleon I can even wipe your mind of the process so you can have the fortune and sleep easy.”

“What kind of process is it?” Lavender asked.

“A necessary one. 100% accurate, or your money back.”

Cups were collected and Mabel skulked back to her table. Mabes and Lavender both sat waiting for their tea to cool down a little. Mabes pulled out a paper fortune teller she made last night.

“What’s that?” Mabes gaped when Lavender didn’t recognise it.

“You’ve never seen a fortune teller before?”

“Not one like that. How does it work? Is it accurate?”

“Extremely!” Mabes set it up on her fingers. “Pick a colour. Any colour.”

“Orange!”

“That’s red.”

“Red!”

“R.E.D. Now pick a number.”

“8!”

“Dammit. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. Now pick another number.”

“8 again!” Mabes lifts up the flap and with a grim, crackly voice declares:

“Unicorns are the key to happiness. Take their lungs. Breathe the happy dust.”

“… Mabes, what do you have against unicorns?” Mabes took as sip of tea.

“Never meet your heroes.”

So… this year they really took murder books to a whole other level. And they were adorable. At least, Bill thought so. Will, not so much.

“Her name is Sandra.” Bill declared. He threw his arm other Will’s shoulder. “You see, Will. If you name them, that automatically makes them your friend.”

“R-really?”

“Yep. Friend/minion, same thing.” Will was a bit shaky holding his book. He wasn’t a fan of violent things, things that snap at you for no reason. But maybe that’s not his fault. Maybe he’s just hungry. Stroking the spine, he thought about a name for him.

“U-um… R-Reed.”

“Reed the book, are you fucking serious- Ow!” Dipper took it upon himself to smack Bill over the head before Mason could get a shot at him.

Yes, as it turns out, the author had decided that both versions of Bill/Dip should be in Care of Magical Creatures. Neither Mason nor Dipper were particularly fond of this arrangement but I’m in charge here so suck it up.

Either way, none of them really had any time to be annoyed what with Malfoy being a dick. Bill would be slapping him silly right now if he was hanging out with him, but he was with Pinetree right now. Pinetree takes precedence. And Pinetree was currently having the time of his life with this lesson. From the moment he first heard about it, he was in. Maybe he’ll start his own journal and show it to Ford when they get back! He was so freaking giddy right now.

Mason signed up for the lesson because it sounded pretty interesting. He’ll admit he’s much more interested in creatures than they are in him. They detest him. Something about his aura maybe? The lowkey reason though was that it was something that Will seemed like he would enjoy.

When he asked Will what he was going to pick, he didn’t name anything in particular and just wrote down whatever Mason chose. As sweet as this was (though Mason will deny it to the ends of the world), Mason figured that Will should at least be doing something that he liked.

So here he was, previously pristine black shoes now sullied with mud and a murder book in his hands, waiting to see what the teacher had planned.

Turns out, it was well-worth the mud.

“Damn.” Dipper awed.

“Agreed.” Not even Mason could stop himself. He deemed the Hippogriffs’ majesty to be worthy of his. Hagrid introduced the creatures and asked who wanted to go first. Dipper and Bill’s hands shot into the sky.

“A’right then, we’ll have Dipper first. And Bill can go afterwards, if tha’s a’right?” Bill looked a little miffed but decided to let it slide.

Dipper approached the Hippogriff, Buckbeak, with a fair bit of confidence. He kept eye-contact, blinked as little as possible and gave a low bow, which he made as courteous and dramatic as possible. Buckbeak bowed back and life was good.

“Well done, Dipper! Yeh can go an’ pet him now.” And so, he did. And was quite content to continue that while Bill had his turn.

Of course, there was no way in Hell that Bill was going to bow to anyone, let alone a big horse-bird-thing. Instead, he gave the next Hippogriff a glowing red glare.

_Submit._

And so, it did. Quite quickly and panickily. Hagrid was rather bemused at the sight but decided not to question it. Bill’s an odd one anyway.

The rest of the students started to have a go. Mason giving his one as much of a bow as his pride would allow. The Hippogriff was instantly pissed off by the boy’s presence and was about to go show him what for when a sudden dark pressure fell on him. Not far from them, the Hippogriff spotted a glaring bluenet, quite clearly giving the hippogriff a warning. Rather than confront either of them, he buggered off.

Will instantly calmed down and was surprised when the pink Hippogriff showed up behind him and started nuzzling into his shoulder, pushing him to sit down before then going on to sit down with him. Mason was struggling to hold back a smile with so many people about. He would have approached but Will and the Hippogriff both looked like they were about to nod off.

Dipper had a brief look at Will before sighing, wishing that his demon was as peaceful as that. Said demon at that precise moment was riding his Hippogriff around the field, whooping and laughing either with delight or madness. It was hard to tell with him.

Dipper was sat back against the fence, reading through the passage in the book on Hippogriffs when there was a sudden shrill scream. He looked up to find Malfoy on the floor wriggling in pain with an angry Buckbeak going in for another attack. Hagrid managed to stop him and went to take Malfoy to the hospital wing.

The students all walked back towards the school, Bill walking with Dipper while the two talked about the lesson.

“I hope Hagrid’s not going to get in trouble. It’s not like any of us signed a waver before starting this course.”

“No worries, Pinetree. I’ve got this covered.”

“What do you mean?” Dipper raised an eyebrow, slightly worried, while Bill just kept walking. “Bill, you’re not involved with this. Please don’t get involved with this!”

Malfoy was on the brink of falling asleep in the infirmary bed when a fake cough woke him up again. He jumped when he saw Cipher in front of him, looking fairly cheerful, but that wasn’t always a good thing.

“Cipher… what are you doing here? Bit late for visiting, isn’t it?”

“Oh, I just came to check on you. See how you’re coping. How’s the arm?”

“Uh… bad. Really bad. Won’t be able to use it for weeks. Maybe months.” A bead of sweat rolled down his face as Bill seemed to buy his story.

“Can I see it?”

“…no.”

“Aww, please. I love wounds. Here, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!” He pulled a pen out of his pocket and was about to jab it into his skin when-

“Alright! Fine! I’m better, ok? I don’t have a wound. I was faking it.”

“Aww…” Bill sounded disappointed and that red flag from earlier started flying again.

“There we are then. You should probably go before you get caught.”

“Nah, gotta check something first.”

“Check what?” The room got colder, and Malfoy shivered when he saw a glowing red eye standing out amongst the darkness.

“Your arm’s better, right?”

“Y-yes?”

“Then there’s no need to press charges, right?”

“W-what?”

“What I’m saying is,” Bill was suddenly closer, and Malfoy would be screaming if he wasn’t paralyzed in fear. “I like the giant man. He’s a good egg. Do you know what I don’t like? Scrambled egg. Stop trying to scramble the egg, Malfoy.”

“Dammit, this is because of Pines, isn’t it?”

“Yep.” He grinned. “Pinetree likes the lessons and your pussy attitude is ruining them. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“…no?” That earned him a slap. He gaped at Bill lie he was completely appalled by it, but we all know he had it coming.

“I’ll summarise: Your arm’s fine. Don’t scramble the egg. Stop being a pussy. We clear?”

“Crystal.” He gulped. The room temperature rose, and Bill backed away smiling, his eye no longer glowing.

“Great! See you tomorrow!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made a paper fortune teller myself for that scene. If you guys want to have a go, write down one of the following in the comments: Pink, Blue, Red or Green.


	24. Chapter 22: The Seriously Serious Chapter that Doesn't Even Feature Sirius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Abuse (suggested abuse?) Not quite sure, never done this before. Things turn a bit dark in this chapter and it's gonna be a recurring theme in this book particularly so if you have an issue with it then I'm just giving you a heads up now. Next chapter will be up soon and should be more up beat.  
> Hope you are all well and coping and a very happy new year to all you funky narwhals!

Needless to say, Malfoy arrived promptly to lessons the next day. Not a bandage in sight and deciding that the less said about the event, the better. Bill would give him a not-so-subtle look every time the topic was brought up which had him nervously waving it off in fear of Bill’s wrath.

Dipper was grateful that for once Malfoy wasn’t making such a big deal out of something like he usually did. In fact, dipper was more suspicious than grateful at this point and was starting to get worried that Bill had actually gotten involved- what was he saying? Of course, Bill was involved!

As it turns out, this was going to end up being the least of his worries. By the end of the year, he would have ranked his stress levels at about a 2 here compared to what came later.

Defence Against the Dark Arts was their next lesson after lunch. Though there were a few in the class whispering that it was a miracle they were having it at all. Apparently, the lesson in the morning ended with a lot of smashed windows and a few fires breaking out. Luckily, no one was hurt, and Professor Lupin managed to fix everything up just in time (cuz magic, duh).

Bill was noticeably absent for the lesson. Dipper and Mabes didn’t get much of an excuse off of him, only told to cover for him. So, that’s what they did.

“Bill? Bill Cipher?” Lupin asked, going through the roll call.

“Playing hide and seek, sir!” Mabes cheered, “Dipper’s it this time!” Without missing a beat, Lupin answered:

“Well, I hope you find him sooner rather than later.”

“Eh, I’m sure he’ll turn up.” Dipper shrugged. And it was never brought up again.

Mabel wasn’t particularly fond of finding out what her greatest fear was. She wasn’t really scared of bugs or monsters or anything like that. But fears can come in many forms and she didn’t much feel like seeing a certain blond-haired boy she had grown fond of over the years bleeding out on the floor.

She stood as close to the back of the class as she could, hoping that they’d run out of time before it reached her turn. She did manage to calm down a bit after seeing her reverse-self running around screaming at the sight of some old-timey Claymation (though, to be fair, that shit is terrifying). After a few words of encouragement from the teacher, Mabes had managed to stop running and face her fear, calling out ‘riddikulus!’ and turning the clay into flaming sock puppets (a strange thing to think of but Mabel wasn’t one to judge (I mean she is, but meh)).

Everything seemed to pick up a bit after that, one by one everyone faced their fears and transformed them into something utterly ridiculous (see what I did there!). Mabel was about ready to tune out the rest of the lesson when who’s turn it should be but her own brother.

At first, she couldn’t even imagine what Mason could possibly be afraid of. The boy was far more jaded than her, barely reacting to even the largest of beasts that could very likely kill them. It wasn’t until she saw the Boggart slip into a familiar suit, pristine black shoes clicking against the wooden floor, that her back instantly straightened to attention.

Dipper and Mabes had never seen Ford like this before. Their smart, goofy Grunkle Ford all dressed up with hair combed back neatly, it was unnatural, surreal. What felt even more out of place was the anger in his eyes directed at Mason. Grunkle Ford had never looked at any of them that way before, and neither of them knew why this version of Ford would.

Mason couldn’t move, didn’t dare to. He knew what was coming. Knew that if he moved, if he ran or tried to protect himself, it would only get worse. A small part of him tried to snap him out of it. Remind him where he was, what he was doing. Remind him that there was absolutely no way that that man would ever be here.

Stanford approached Mason, belt at the ready and Mabel was about ready to scream. She knew if she could get his attention then maybe he wouldn’t do it. Stanford always did like her more. She started to move towards the head of the group, pushing her way through, desperate to get to her brother.

In the end there was no need. Lupin immediately moved in between Stanford and Mason. The Boggart transformed into a silvery-white orb and Lupin quickly got rid of it. He called the lesson over and waved everyone off. Mason hadn’t moved and neither had Mabel for that matter. Dipper and Mabes were hesitant to leave but decided to leave it for today, maybe ask them about it later.

Mabel waited until almost everyone had left before deciding to leave herself. She didn’t want any more attention on herself than she’d already risked. She didn’t like to see her brother all shaken up like that but didn’t particularly feel like a family-bonding moment either.

Mason had finally gotten himself to breathe again. His fingers twitched as he reminded himself that he could move and suddenly the weight of the events hit him. The whole class had seen him in that weak state, something he wanted to leave behind him. He hated it. What would they all think of him now?

“Mason?” A soft voice finally snapped him out of his stupor. Professor Lupin stood in front of him calmly, hands at his sides non-threateningly. “Are you alright?” Mason swallows and turns away towards the door.

“Perfectly fine.” He didn’t bother turning around. He could feel pity from a mile off and didn’t need or want any of it.

“I’m always here if you need to talk.” Mason tutted as he left, not bothering to answer. He didn’t need him. Didn’t need anyone. Everything was fine…

…

‘William.’ A slight squeak sounded in his head.

‘Mast- Mason?’ Will replied, ‘What’s wrong? Is everything alright?’ Mason relaxed a bit at the sound of Will’s voice, leaning up against the wall.

‘Fine. I’m just bored. Where are you?’

‘Um, still in Potions. Finishing off a shrinking solution. What about you?’

‘Just finished lessons. Wanted a nap.’

‘What did you have?’

‘I thought you knew.’ Mason chuckled, ‘You’ve usually got my timetable memorised by now.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Don’t apologize. I was joking.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I had Defence Against the Dark Arts.’ Everything was silent on Will’s end. ‘William?’

‘Are you ok?’ He sounded worried and Mason felt a little guilty for calling him up like this.

‘Perfectly fine.’

‘Mason.’ He could practically hear the pout.

‘It’s fine. Just wasn’t expecting it is all.’ Things were quiet again on Will’s side.

‘Was it him?’

‘It was.’ Mason prided himself on maintaining his calm demeanour. He got a bit worried again when he heard a slight ‘eep’ on the other end. ‘Will? Everything alright?’

‘Yep!’ Came the sudden reply. ‘Um, I’ve got to go now but I’ll see you afterwards and we can talk more or have a nap or-‘

‘It’s fine, William. Concentrate on your lesson. I can wait a ten minutes.’

Little did he know, those ten minutes turned into a good few hours…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I figured you guys are probably reading these end ones more that the ones I post at the top. Question of the day: anybody have any ships they want me to make happen? Other than the ones I've already listed, I'm thinking my OT3 (Neville, Ginny and Luna) and maybe some Drarry? Let me know if you don't want any of this or if you have some more ideas. Think of me as your Fairy Shipmother xxx


	25. Chapter 23: In Which the Author Saw an Opportunity and Took it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whazzup mah beauties! 2 chapters today! I did it! I'm the best! Hope you all enjoy! xxx

Bill was glad he skipped out on lessons that day. You see, getting the animal blood itself was easy, no problem. Getting Sirius Black’s shoe size, also not too hard. Finding a pair of shoes that size, spilling animal blood over the floor of one of the halls whilst wearing said shoes and leaving behind footprints, all without getting caught; _that_ took some time.

He picked a corridor that not a lot of people passed by, to make things a bit easier. He wrote part of a message on the wall in blood and spilled the rest, making it look like the man was interrupted. He also had to find a way out the castle and into the woods so that if they followed the footprints, they would think that he’d ran off.

As a final precaution, Bill had no idea what manner of magic the wizards might use to follow the blood trail and how far they’d be able to follow it for. So, he had to keep walking until he’d reached a river or something. Or maybe just far enough away that he could abandon the shoes and throw them up a tree. The possibilities were endless.

He knows that people might not get it at first, probably think it’s a student messing around. But Bill is patient, and this is only phase one of the plan. He’s got loads of time to set up the rest.

Cedric arrived at the infirmary after Ernie had dragged him away from his friends (yes, he has friends in his year, he just like the Hufflepuff Hoes more). He didn’t get much of an explanation as to what had gone on. He only needed to hear the words ‘Will’ and ‘accident’ for him to pick up the pace.

It didn’t prepare him for what he was about to see. Will was sitting on Hannah’s lap while he got looked over by Madam Pomfrey and while that was weird in itself, the strangest part was the fact that Will was noticeably smaller than he remembered. In fact, the boy looked to be about half the size he was before, barely older than three or four years old with his school clothes practically drowning him.

The eyepatch on his face was loose and Hannah was doing her best to adjust it while Justin and Susan sat next to them cooing at how freaking adorable their cinnamon roll was.

“What did you guys do?” Cedric asked, slightly worried that they had done it on purpose given the way they were reacting.

“Nothing,” Hannah explained, “Just had a bit of an accident with a shrinking solution. Isn’t that right, Will?” Will looked a bit confused about the whole affair but nodded along none the less. “See?”

“And he’s alright?” He directed this one more at Pomfrey than anyone else.

“Well, he’s physically fine at least. A little thin but nothing too bad.”

“Physically fine?” Cedric asked nervously and Justin was the one to answer this time.

“He doesn’t seem to remember us.”

“What?” He looked at Will again and only now noticed that the boy didn’t look as comfortable around them as he normally did. Like the only reason he was still sitting on Hannah was because he was worried what would happen if he tried to get away.

“It’s true. Took us a few minutes just to get him out from under the potions desk.”

“Either way,” Madam Pomfrey began, “You five will have to keep an eye on him until it wears off. Let me know if anything else happens.” They all agreed, and she went off to see to her other patients.

The five of them stood there awkwardly for a minute, trying to come up with some idea as to what they should do.

“Umm, do you think we should let his family know?” Susan suggested.

“Are you seriously debating that we should tell Bill?” Ernie looked at her like she’d gone insane.

“No! Definitely not. I meant someone like Mason. I think he’d want to know.” Cedric didn’t like this idea. He didn’t like Mason on the best of days (which were few and far between) and definitely didn’t like the idea of a small and susceptible Will being anywhere near the asshole.

“I think we can handle it,” He declared, “Besides, it’s only temporary. I’m sure we can handle it.” He bent down in front of Will. “Right, you don’t remember me, do you?” Will slowly shook his head. “That’s alright. My name’s Cedric. What’s yours?”

“W-William.”

“Nice to meet you, Will. Is it alright that I call you Will?” Will nodded. “Alright then. And how old are you, Will?”

“F-f-five h-hund-d-dred and th-this many.” He held up three fingers.

“Wow! That’s a big number.” Will shrugged while the others shared a look but decided that it was just one of those things that kids said. “So, what do you want to do? Are you hungry? Or do you want to play something?”

“Play?” At first, Cedric thought he was asking, but then noticed that Will didn’t seem to understand the word.

“Yeah, y’know, like games and stuff.” Will only looked more confused.

“How does he not know-” Justin was elbowed in the stomach by Susan. Will looked like he was worried that he’d said something wrong.

“That’s alright,” Hannah reassured, “Maybe it would be easier to show you, yeah?”

The group set off towards the common room, figuring that would be the most child-friendly place in the school (There’s something very wrong about that statement). Will had his sleeves and trousers rolled up to fit him and anything that didn’t was balled up in his cloak and carried by Ernie. He held Hannah’s hand along the way, seemingly the most comfortable with her. Justin was made to stand the furthest away because he’s an insensitive prick and doesn’t deserve nice things (Hannah’s words, not mine).

Everything seemed fine. Just about all the other students were in class or off doing other things so they didn’t really run into that many people. The walk was only supposed to be a few minutes at most, so they didn’t expect anything to happen during that time.

Oh, how wrong they were.

About 2 minutes into the walk and approaching a certain corridor that a certain triangle did certain terrible things; Will’s body immediately froze up as he smelt something unpleasant.

“Will?” Hannah asked, feeling a tug when Will stopped moving. “You alright?” Will was not alright. He started trying to pull himself out of Hannah’s grip, clawing a bit when she wouldn’t let go.

“N-no!” He screamed (or as much as he could, he’s such a quiet boi), “I d-don’t want t-to-“

“Hey, it’s alright-“ Cedric was reaching towards him to try and help calm him down, but Will only got more scared. His heart racing and eye beginning to glow and all of a sudden, the ground began to shake. Pressure built up around them and in the next instance, Cedric and the others found themselves slamming against the walls.

Will didn’t know where he’d go. His head felt fuzzy. He hadn’t seen people that dressed like that before so they must be demons, but they didn’t smell like the ones he knew. The blond girl reminded him of big sis Jill at first, so he didn’t mind her too much. And the older one seemed nice enough…

Will should have known not to trust the nice ones. Sometimes, the nice ones ended up being the worst ones. Jill always said not to trust humans and that he’d understand once his world got more devel- devop- bigger.

Tears were running down his eyes as he ran out the castle, trying to get as far away as he could before they came after him again. Will never was very good at using his magic. Jill said it was better if he found someone else to use it for him. He was just glad that he managed to get away from them before they could do anything. The smell of blood brought flashes of memories that Will couldn’t remember happening.

He didn’t realise that he had run into the forest. He kept running straight until he was out of breath and suddenly realised how much darker it had gotten. He started crying again when he couldn’t remember where he was or which way to go.

He wanted to go home but didn’t know how to get there. He tried opening a portal to his dimension but felt a tether that made him stay put. He tried to figure out where the tether ended but felt the end completely disappear from this universe. What did it mean? Will wasn’t sure, but he guessed that he wasn’t in his own universe which meant he was much more lost than he thought.


	26. Chapter 24: 'Bruce the Banshee is the Absolute Coolest!' - Sirius Black, Aged 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yellow!!!!!! I've uploaded 2 chapters today, so make sure that you're on the right one (This is chapter 2 of 2 by the way). I've done gone done good today so I'm gonna try and keep that up with some other writing or something. Hope you are all out there doing amazing! xxx

Sirius was having a funny sort of day. He’d managed to get to Hogwarts ahead of schedule, which was nice. And even found a pair of shoes in his size that someone had abandoned. Sensing no Dementors at the time, he switched quickly into his human form, put the shoes on and switched back to a dog.

No, the weird thing was the faint blood smell on the shoes. He figured was that someone wondered into the woods and got eaten by something. By why leave the shoes behind? Leather goods are edible. It would make far more sense to leave the clothes behind instead. Not that Sirius minded really. As they say, when one door closes, another door opens. That is- if the act of closing the door was done by a bear.

Weirder still, was the faint crying noise he heard coming a bit up ahead. Sirius was worried for a minute that it was the owner of the shoes and that he’d have to return them. So, you can imagine he was both relieved and surprised to find that the crying came from a small, blue-haired, one-eyed toddler in an over-sized Hogwarts uniform. Or maybe the kid was just under-sized?

The kid hadn’t noticed him, so he padded over and nudged him with his nose ‘til he looked up. He assumed that the kid was gonna be afraid of him and was ready to do the whole cute dog act to cheer him up. You know what they say about assuming though. The boy sniffed once and petted him gently on the head.

“H-hello.” The boy whispered. Sirius said nothing, because you know, he’s a dog. “I-I’m William. What’s y-your name?”

…

“Oh. R-right. I f-f-forgot you d-don’t talk yet.” Sirius wasn’t quite sure what the kid meant by ‘yet’ but figured it was just one of those things that kids said. “Um, I’m lost. D-do you know the w-way?”

Sirius gave a little nod of his head and started walking towards the school. He looked back to see if the boy was following but he wasn’t. He actually didn’t look very keen of going back that way. Sirius couldn’t think why. He had the time of his life back when he was in school. Sure, there was the occasional life-threatening or leg-breaking situation but that was fine. They were all used to it and only like 3 people died when he was in school (which was apparently a record low at the time). Y’know, typical school stuff.

He came back and gently grabbed a hold of William’s sleeve with his mouth to pull him forward. William shook his head.

“N-no. I don’t want t-to go b-b-back…” Sirius let go of the sleeve and tilted his head questioningly. “I-it’s scary th-there.” Sirius gave a little nod of understanding, remembering that to a Hufflepuff, the place probably is like a death trap. “I j-just wanna g-go home.” The boy was crying again, and Sirius plopped his head on his lap, letting the kid pet him while calmed down.

He also silently decided that he was going to adopt _two_ children by the end of the year. Yes, Sirius. Clear your name, kill Peter, adopt Harry and William, and marry Remus. Sounds like a plan.

Mason was getting rather agitated waiting for Will and decided to go find him himself. He went over to the potions corridor and met with the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws just as they were leaving the lesson. Noticeably, was the absence of Will and the pests that had surrounded him. He knew that Will wouldn’t have gone off without telling him, especially when they had plans to meet up.

He was about to try and talk to Will telepathically when a Ravenclaw girl tapped him on the shoulder.

“You’re Cipher’s friend, right? If you’re looking for him, he and his friends went off to the infirmary.” Mason didn’t need to hear anymore, recalling Will sounding a bit panicked by the end of their last conversation. _Was he hurt? Is this my fault? Did he get hurt because of me? I’ll fucking kill Abbott if she had anything to do with this? Diggory too for good measure. Maybe I’ll just kill the lot of them for not looking after him better._ Somehow Mason had pushed the blame he put on himself towards others.

He arrived at the infirmary to find it empty. He figured that the accident must not have been that bad then if they’d all gone off somewhere. He went to the great hall next to see if Will had decided to meet him there. He contemplated the telepathy again when he still couldn’t find his demon but didn’t want to sound too desperate and make Will worry. Mason decided to check the Hufflepuff dorms as a last resort.

Making his way back to the infirmary and following along from there, he was surprised when he bumped into his nemesis.

“Gleeful.”

“ _Diggory_.” You could cut through the tension with a knife. “I was looking for William. You seen him?”

“Can’t say that I have.” _Diggory_ replied coolly, trying not to let on how out of breath he was.

“I hear there was an accident.”

“Is that right?”

“I’d hate for something to happen to William. For your sakes, he better be fine.”

“Are you-“ _Diggory_ was interrupted when one of the other insects came running down the corridor calling for him. He stopped just next to him, gasping for air .

“We found… a lot of blood… figured that’s… why Will freaked out… Still can’t find him. Hannah’s gone to check… outside but-“ He looked at _Diggory_ and then finally noticed Mason standing there. “Fiddlesticks.”

“Damnit Ernald…” _Diggory_ murmured, pinching his nose in exasperation. Mason didn’t hesitate. In a second, he had _Diggory_ pinned up against the wall by his throat. The pretty boy was taller than him for now but that all meant nothing against the murderous aura Mason was exhuming. The other insect stood there panicking, trying to tell him to let go but Mason ignored him.

“Where is he?” He demanded.

“Don’t know…” _Diggory_ choked.

“If you lie to me again, _Diggory_ -“

“I’m not. He ran off.” Mason waited a moment before he let go and walked off, leaving _Diggory_ hunched up against the wall gasping for air.

Once he was out of sight, he immediately called for Will telepathically.

‘William?’ No sound on the other end so he tried again. This time, there was a very hesitant reply.

‘Wh-who’re you?’ Mason was surprised at the small voice that came back. He thought back to the shrinking solution Will was working on before this and filled in the blanks.

‘It’s Mason. Do you remember me?’ There was a minute of silence.

‘Oh right, you can’t see me. Um, no sorry.’ Mason bit his lip and took a deep breath.

‘Ok, that’s fine. We can work on that.’

He thought a minute about what he was going to say. He wasn’t particularly good with kids since he hadn’t been around enough to know what you were supposed to do with them. Mason figured that it can’t be too different from how he normally talks to Will anyway and went from there.

‘What’s the last thing you can remember? Before you wound up here, that is?’

‘Umm, I’m not sure. I think I was with Jill- no, Jill went away. Oh! I was watching the scruffy humans!’

‘Scruffy humans?’

‘Yep! They have lots of hair, but they haven’t learnt how to do a hairbrush yet.’

‘I see. Then I guess this is all pretty weird for you, right?’

‘Yeah… Everyone’s dressed all smart like demons, but they don’t smell like them.’ Will was quiet for a minute before he whispered, ‘They’re just as scary though.’

‘Yeah, I bet. Humans can be very scary sometimes.’

‘Are you a human?’

‘I am.’

‘Are you scary?’

‘I am.’

‘…Thank you for telling me. I’m happy you’re not trying to trick me.’

‘Who tried to trick you?’

‘Everyone does. Everyone says nice things at first but then they’re mean… It’s nice when they’re nice though. Even if it’s just for a little bit.’

‘Nah, it’s scarier like that. Then you don’t know what they’re thinking.’

‘Are you nice?’

‘Definitely not.’ Mason snorted, ‘I’m the worst there is.’

‘You said I don’t remember you. Are we friends?’ Mason let out a hard thinking noise (author can’t remember what you call it).

‘…Not friends. Friends are people you like. You have way too many of them now.’

‘I don’t like you?’

‘Absolutely not. There’s no way I’d settle for you just liking me, William.’ Will was quiet for a bit, and Mason was worried he’d said the wrong things.

‘Oh, I see,’ Mason was glad to hear that Will was just thinking it through. ‘You’re mine.’

‘I am.’ Mason replied without hesitation. ‘And you’re mine.’ Mason looked up and saw that it was starting to get dark. ‘Where are you?’

‘With a scruffy human in the woods.’

‘Professor Hagrid?’

‘I don’t know his name. Scruffy humans can’t talk yet.’

‘Is he really big?’

‘No, he’s about normal scruffy human size.’ Mason pinched the bridge of his nose.

‘Dammit, Will. Stranger danger!’

‘No!’ Will protested, ‘Scruffy humans are good humans. They haven’t learnt the bad stuff yet.’

‘Ok, can you find your way back?’

‘Scruffy human was trying to take me back, but I didn’t want to.’ Alright, so at the very least the stranger wasn’t trying to kidnap him.

‘Right. Let him take you back, I’ll wait for you at the edge of the woods. Ok?’

‘Yep!’

After a minute, he’d noticed that William had gone eerily quiet. The boy’s tear had stopped, and he looked a bit spaced out, head drifted towards the direction of the school. He could see him nod and hum a couple of times as if he was talking to someone. Maybe an imaginary friend? Sirius remembers having one when he was little. He thinks his name was Bruce. Yeah… Bruce the Banshee. He was a cool dude.

He was taken out of his musings when William patted him on the head again.

“I-it’s ok n-now.” He said, “We c-can g-go back.” Sirius wasn’t sure what not-Bruce had said to William, but he was glad that he seemed happy for them to go now.

Leading him back to the castle, he listened as the boy stuttered on about his imaginary friend, Mason. He seemed like a nice guy. Bit weird, but who was he to judge. Plus, these imaginary friends have to be weird, don’t they? It’s practically in the job description. They have to be weird, cool and awesome.

Sirius was quite surprised to see a 13-14-year-old boy waiting for them at the edge of the woods. William thanked Sirius and scurried up to meet the boy. The boy looked very confused at the sight of a big black dog but nodded to him anyway, probably to say thank you. Sirius nodded back and the boy very slowly and suspiciously turned back to William, picking him up and walking him back inside.

Sirius felt rather proud of himself today. Despite everything that had happened up until now, things were finally looking up. Who knows, maybe tomorrow he’ll find Peter and tear his fingers off. Wouldn’t that be nice?


	27. Chapter 25: How Come Hagrid is Never Seen in the Staff Room- Y'Know What? Now, He Is!!! We May Do a Lot of Things in this School, But Discrimination isn't One of Them!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special shout out to bookgirl111 who gave me inspiration for what Bill's message should be when he's pretending to be sirius. I hope I've done you proud! You're amazing and this one's for you!  
> Anyways, hope you're all doing alright. I promise there'll be more updates very soon xxxx

“We go’another one.” Hagrid called out as he entered the staff room, taking a much-deserved seat next to the fireplace and helping himself to the plate of biscuits.

“Again, that’s the fifth one already and it’s only been 2 weeks.” Pomona sighed.

“Same message?” Severus asked though he didn’t really care.

“Got ta ‘BEWAR’ this time before ‘e ran.”

“I don’t get why he’s conveying the message differently each time.” Poppy brought up, taking a sip of tea.

“What do you mean?” Filius asked.

“Well, the first time he kept it fairly simple with the blood on the walls, but the next time he writes it out in acromantula legs. And the third time he paints a horrifying Rembrandt-meets-Lovecraft style mural across the doors of the great hall before he starts writing his message.”

“Your point being?”

“I’m just saying, if he wants to write this message, he should just do it instead of doing all these needlessly complicated methods.”

“Sirius always did have a flair for the dramatics…” Lupin trailed off longingly. The act was mostly ignored by the teachers with the exception of Pomona, who was just as much into this relationship as you or I and internally held in a squeal of delight. An act that in itself would probably cause her a heart attach if it were to occur too frequently.

“I’m still trying to work out that message.” Filius said, “‘BEWARE YOUR’- Beware your what? Beware your teachers? Friends? Students?”

“Definitely that last one!” Minerva giggled.

“Are we sure about this? I mean, the papers all say that he was recently sighted in Dufftown.” Said Poppy.

“Oh yes, because the media’s soooo trustworthy.” Severus drawled.

“Either way, all of the students are getting very worked up over it. Unfortunately, nothing can be done without conclusive evidence.” Said Poppy.

“I thought we had to wait until someone actually got injured before we closed the school?” Said Filius.

“You’re both wrong, it’s when someone dies.” Said Lupin.

“More specifically, when a student dies.” Added Minerva.

“No, I think we can go a lot further until Albus finally agrees to close the school.” Said Pomona, and they all hummed in agreement, not having to remember very far back to the last time multiple students nearly died, got injured and/or went missing.

“So, what was it this time?” Minerva finally asked after that beat of silent contemplation.

“Some firs’ years got strung up.”

“Ah… wait-“

And so it was that the missing first years finally found their way back to Hogwarts, in dire need of something a hell of a lot stronger than the butterbeer they were offered. Apparently, after jumping from the train they had ran for miles and miles, camping in the woods and hiding in trees and bushes from their pursuers that they believed to be agents of the Rail Tracer.

When asked how they found themselves back at the school, they spoke only in some horrifying demonic language:

_“Eertenip, ytinigriv ruoy eraweb!”_

Naturally, it was assumed that Sirius Black must have cursed the children to prevent them from giving away his methods. Several counter-curses were used on the traumatised children, however not a single one made even a dent on the curse.

After much debate, it was decided for the good of the school, Albus’ name, and his bank account; that the parents would not be told about the specifics of how they found their children.

Sitting in Transfiguration and waiting for the teacher, Hermione came to the realisation that the dreaded 16th of October arrived, but Lavender didn’t seem worried in the slightest. In fact, she seemed pretty perky. Like really perky… too perky…

“So,” Hermione couldn’t take it anymore and just decided to ask her herself. “Today’s the day.”

“Yep!” She smiled before going back to her conversation with Mabes.

“How are you feeling about that?”

“Mm, pretty good I’d say.” This confused Hermione as, just last week, Lavender and Mabes were both writing extensive letters to members of Lavender’s family, most likely to warn them about the prophesised dangers… unless!

“Oh, thank goodness, you’ve came to your senses! I’m so glad that there’s someone else who believes that all this divination is utter poppycock.”

“Are you kidding?” Lavender scoffed, “Professor Trelawney was spot on. I just went to someone else for more details.”

“Who?”

“Here!” Lavender happily handed over a card for Hermione who read it through. Then read it through again. And finally, a third time until she eventually just decided to ask.

“I’m sorry, but what does it mean ‘Bring disposable animal for 50% off’?”

“I have no idea. To be honest, can’t remember a thing that happened.”

“That’s worrying.”

“Nah, I’m sure it’s fine. I signed a waver and everything.” She smiled, and Hermione would have asked more if Professor McGonagall hadn’t just arrived. She pocketed the card and internally debated whether or not she should go see Mabel’s fortune telling for herself, or whether she’d be happier not knowing.

At the end of the lesson, Harry was determined to ask McGonagall to sign his permission slip for Hogsmeade because that seemed like a sound idea that would totally work. He had to wait a minute though as McGonagall called over Mabes.

“Miss Pines. As you know, after the… incident last year with the play, the Theatre club now has to refer all of its business to an adult supervisor for it to be checked over. Unfortunately, I pulled the short straw and so… here we are.”

“What do you wanna know?” Harry had yet to actually watch any of the plays that Mabes’ club has put on. Though, from what he heard, they were as entertaining as they were potentially dangerous. It came as no surprise to him that they would be monitored from now on.

“Does this one involve fire?”

“No.”

“Then we are already off to a good start. What is this one about?” Mabes doesn’t hesitate to remove the script from her bag (which she had on her because she had club later, obviously) and hand it over to McGonagall to gloss over.

“It’s called ‘Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street’!” She declared, “It’s about a guy who seeks revenge on a judge because he was convicted of a crime he didn’t commit. He winds up reopening his barbershop above a pie shop and murders his customers, selling their meat to Mrs Lovett downstairs.” McGonagall was silent for a moment, giving Mabes a look that said, ‘Did I seriously just hear what I think I heard?’

“…No.”

“Eh? Why?” Mabes whined.

“I should think it obvious.” Harry, thinking that the discussion was over, decided that now was a good time to step in.

“Professor?”

“A moment please, Mr Potter. I have to explain to Miss Pines why a play about a serial killer whilst there is a serial killer currently on the loose is far too on the nose for comfort.”

“Oh, there’s always serial killers on the loose. It’s fine!” Mabes waves off, but McGonagall isn’t having it.

“No means no, Miss Pines. Pick something more… light-hearted.”

“I suppose we could always do High School Musical…”

“Are- are you threatening me?”

“Depends, is it working?”

And so, it was decided that the Theatre Club would have complete freedom when it came to deciding what plays they do. So long as the pyrotechnics were kept to a minimum and that-which-must-not-be-named is never again used as a bargaining chip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know!!! It's been ages!!!!! How are you all? I'm really sorry it's taken so long to update a chapter. I listened to way too much cavetown and got too much angst in me and needed to go write that out before I came back to this. We're all good now, so business as usual x


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